i can really push her so far away she'll never look back again?
if the answer is yes, i've got no choice.
You have choices and yes you can push her so far away.
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went to shrink today, for the first time, said we got to work on me
Excellent choice! Yes, this has to be about you right now.
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it's tough to focus on myself, forcing myself to do things, but keeping moving i guess is suppose to keep the anxiety down.
It takes time, be patient with yourself as well. Keep improving you, fight that urge to reason with her. You can't right now.
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keeping it fun for kids, workin' on myself.
Perfect! This is what it's all about. You work on you and enjoy your children and the life you have. Your only option is to cut your wife loose and becoming a better person. You don't have to say a single word to her either.....she will notice in time.
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should i just fall out of love?
No, you detach from her craziness and you realize you can't do a single thing to help her UNTIL she helps herself. Take what you have learned here and step way back from her. Make some changes, be more quiet around her. Not in a rude way just be confident and quiet.
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my gut's telling me not too,that she's just runnin' and sees me as stress, if i just continue to stay out of the way, might be a turn around?
Listen to your gut. Yes she does see you as stress and she will keep on seeing you that way as long as you keep trying to pursue her.
Keep having fun with those kiddos and keep becoming a better AYK.
Mach knows what i did, because i'm an idiot. Emailed my m in law, not to ask the stick for help, she has never liked me anyway. But like Mach said on FB to me, i should've just been still.
guys i even have a darn 2X4 in the living room, stare at it everyday. walk around with it.
Explains, pursuers, distancers, underfunctioners, overfunctioners, and blamers.
Then i jumped back to Chapter 3.
with any relationship, kids, wife, customers, anyone, I was always the pursuer, in any argument, wanted to talk things out, express my feelings, feel overly dependent.
my wife was always a distancer....
well something else, if an MLC'er is angry and now I know for a fact she isn't normal...
what you guys have said is right, quit pursuing, there is going to be no reasoning...
i was putting too much faith in my wife and how intelligent,etc. she was before.
i also found out that in May she was not happy and contemplating divorce then, which falls in line with the time line that i shouldn't have written down, that the Denial part of this started 12/12/08.
a distancer in any relationship bails and hides their feelings and runs from stress.
my wife had made up her mind long before anyone had an inkling of what was going to happen.
the stress to her was so overwhelming she was already planning her escape.
kids and i were hosed months before we knew we were hosed.
kid from the skype convo came over to see me he's in town and said hey ayk, didn't know it'd get this bad, but she was talking unhappy and angry at least a month before we went to orlando and she would say all kinds of stuff to the neighbor EA guy.
dang it, didn't really have a fighting chance.
now it makes sense in early July she said don't want to split assets or date again or seperate holidays. She had been talking to someone about the prat falls of divorce for a bit. now it makes sense why her co-workers who had called me said what they had said.
that stinker had been planning her escape and was either looking for someway for it to be saved and couldn't handle the work or justification to pull the trigger and run.
she ran.
wow, learn something knew everyday.
dance of anger, must read....
oh when he was over, he said she was making fun of me to him.she picked him up from airport and been staying over with her and the kids.he's alittle surprised she's acting the way she is to.
just told him, i know what's up, you be her friend, she can't hurt me anymore, i'm having fun and look at the relationship the kids and i have now. if she wants to talk to you about poop talk to her about poop, be her friend, know i'm not angry, it's difficult, but no not angry at her or anyone else, it is what it is.
she used the term if i'm nice to you,you think we'd try to be back together, ignored it.
Will the emptiness we feel inside, go away?
I know everyone is different, but when we start to feel better?
Wife dropped by clothes for son, they were shirts from different family vacations we had had....
I gave them and xmas presents back to her, said i didn't need to be reminded of a happier time.
she did wave, i didn't respond and walked away.
i've been giving my stuff from old place away,really don't want the memories. she calls it disrespectful. ignored it.
she said i wasn't capable of lite bantor, should i joke with her?
did text her this was going to be a good year, she texted back happy new year, that's a start, told her merry xmas and she didn't respond.
she's still making fun of me, but who cares.not taking to heart anymore, can't believe how much she had me taking that stuff personally.
i am ready to have a house i can tell you that, she gets the castle while i'm in a tent, too funny.
new neighbor moved in she's divorcing her husband, he came over to get his son, i do not want to look as beat up as he does, now i understand the quiet confidence and thriving.
can assure you if he did that, she'd be looking back, tried to offer him a db book said he'd rather drink and pace.
told him he could come over anytime, would listen to him or her without picking sides, that i was pro marriage, not divorce.
They are lost. They really can't love anyone after they "check out." They can't even figure themselves out so it's impossible for them to have a meaningful relationship with another person.
The person they do get involved with is just as broken as they are most times.
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she used the term if i'm nice to you,you think we'd try to be back together, ignored it.
Yes, ignore this. Sounds like pretty poor excuse for not being nice to you doesn't it? Pay no mind.
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Will the emptiness we feel inside, go away?
Yes, it gets much better AYK. It takes time. You allow yourself to feel these feelings and grieve. The important part is to keep moving forward and realize that you are healing. Don't sit still dwelling on them, allow yourself to feel then it's forward you go.
It takes time, there are no shortcuts here. Keep pressing forward and improving you.
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I know everyone is different, but when we start to feel better?
Correct it is different for everyone. Placing your focus on you and your children is what you have to do.
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Wife dropped by clothes for son, they were shirts from different family vacations we had had....
I gave them and xmas presents back to her, said i didn't need to be reminded of a happier time.
she did wave, i didn't respond and walked away.
They all do some strange things. Try not to read into them, it will do nothing but spin you out. I have had the exact same thing happen as far as the shirts go.
Now wait a minute here....What happened to the quiet, cool, confident and strong AYK??
Listen, she is not going to let you see it but she feels very guilty for what she is doing. That's where the anger and justification comes in. What outcome where you hoping for by giving the shirts and presents back?
Please remember she can't deal with her own feelings right now, you can't expect her to even consider yours. She hasn't and won't for quite some time. The next time something like this happens I suggest you smile, thank her and if it's hard for you to deal with, box the stuff up and and store it somewhere. I made the same mistakes and it only serves to shove them further away.
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i've been giving my stuff from old place away,really don't want the memories. she calls it disrespectful. ignored it.
Again....remember what you have learned. This is how she feels. How does she know your giving all this away?
Guilt will not bring her home my friend. Pack it up and store it somewhere for the time being.
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she's still making fun of me, but who cares.not taking to heart anymore, can't believe how much she had me taking that stuff personally.
Good man....don't get caught up in this....be above it.
Be careful when it comes to your new neighbor too. Remeber to keep quiet. You have to live next to them. You don't want the whole neighborhood in on your business. It doesn't sound like he is handling this very well either. Most people in this situation won't give you the advice you want to follow.
Trapt i was keeping my word on the clothes and stuff, asked, told begged, don't want her to do anything for me or the kids, i can handle it.
on the giving my stuff away, she has my friends over all the time and i told her yrs ago and thru this a divorce is like a funeral only care about the 3 people in the home, the other is just money or stuff.
giving it away, because i really don't, really don't want it. also the important momentos, given to the kids, so i know that it will stay in the house.
on the xmas present, told her not to do it, she did it anyway, but the gifts gave back were for my parents...she can give them to them. told her that, that i'm not a messenger, my side wasn't really celebrating anyway...
not really talking to my dad, he wants me to be mean and vindictive, my way too of showing her, don't agree with him or her, they can work it out, not me.
What are the three best ways to having a chance at having a family back???
1.working on me...GAL'ing calm, cool, confident, mysterious 2.KISS,no relationship talk 3.Stop trying to fix this???
Seriously need to know, D texted me, wife wasted no time laying into her on something, are they really mad at the entire world???
I wish it was that simple.
All you can do is YOUR part. Become better for you.
This has more to do with you than you realize. You'll see it as time goes on.
They are mad at themselves, their past, and because of guilt. They truly don't undersand this though, that will come much later. My ex used to comment, " I don't know why I am so angry with you."
If you try to tell your w this you better run for cover.
