I am way ahead of you on that, but what you have advised bears saying anyway.
I am conscious of the possibility that I am projecting my own anger onto my brother's sitch. I know that, and to a degree that is indeed true for me. I realize that I let my emotions get the better of me the other day, even as it was happening and even though I did not want them to because I new that would be counterproductive. And yet I was so shocked to hear how far he had fallen, how adamant he was in his self-blame. It felt as if at least one of us should have expressed some outrage at what was happening.
I see in him the same reactions I had when I played the enabling fool and scapegoat for my wayward spouse's selfish, harmful behaviors. I see the guile in my SIL for what it is, just more of the WAS script. And yes, I felt the offensiveness of these events all over again. Especially when I consider what this is going to do to my nieces and nephew, who are great, wonderful kids who deserve none of this senseless waste. It is so needlessly unfair for them to watch their parents sacrifice their family on the altar of selfishness. It does not have to be this way.
But I actually pity my SIL and where she is headed.
I honestly believe that in 99% of these cases that the desire to destroy one's family as a means to one's own happiness is ALWAYS a fruitless effort. Blaming one's spouse for your own dissatisfaction with life and ending the R as a possible solution is a siren call to disaster. You do not get true joy from other people, even from a spouse; you can only find that in yourself by giving to others. This is what Jesus leads us to do, because such joy comes from our Father ultimately. There is a spiritual dimension to this that we all tend to take for granted. So, if you are dissatisfied in your M and in how poorly your life has turned out, do not look towards your spouse for the blame -- look at yourself. And then change yourself, not your spouse.
And I will daresay that those who do manage to find lasting joy after divorce only do so in spite of D, never because of it. This only means that they have some how managed to change themselves, through a spiritual attitude adjustment, but which could just have easily been achieved within their M, if they would look at it honestly. The keys are in our own hands. We just have to humble ourselves to be able to find that joy.
But I cannot be my brother's keeper. That is why I have backed off from him, given him his space for a time. I can and will advise him as he allows. But he has to figure this out now on his own. And though I can see that he is headed for a world of hurt, and that he is likely to flip dangerously 180 degrees in the other direction, once the reality of what his W is doing to them hits him, I can only help him so much. A man's got his limitations, as I always like to say.
I did speak with our mother later on Sunday, and we discussed some of the things my brother K had said. She is very sad and angry for her son and what he's going through. She asked me (not for the first time) whether she should follow her own instincts in this -- to say something to SIL and the IL's about how wrong all of this is and to defend her son. I told her no (again), and asked her rhetorically what exactly that she might hope to accomplish. Nothing she would say would have any positive outcome on her actions, so why bother?
My mom then stated (again, not for the first time) that she wants to tell my brother to wake up and start defending himself. She said that she wants to tell him he would be an utter fool and a coward to not defend himself or by at least seeking out a L for advice on custody and his other rights. She at the very least wants to knock some sense into his head that he is risking the love and respect of his own children.
I told her that I wholeheartedly agree with her opinion, but K was just not there yet -- he won't even acknowledge any of the fault in his W, let alone begin to discuss hiring a L. All my mother would do would be to further anger K and alienate him from her. I further reasoned with her to play the role of the "good cop", while my other brother B and I play the roles of "bad cop" with K. He needs her to just love him and be his mother, to not pressure him anymore on his deteriorating MR and the destruction of his family. I told her I truly understand her outrage and desperation in the face of this tragedy, as my own instincts are also to go at them all with both guns ablazing, so to speak. But cooler heads are needed here. My brother K, I told her, only has her, our mother, as the last line of defense -- she must not burn that last bridge with him, even if all the rest of us should foolishly do so. He needs her.
I know this is tough on my mother. She's watched the shattering of two of her sons families, and watched the steady erosion in her ability to grandparent these children, because of the selfishness of the parents. But she really seemed to get what I was saying to her and really take to heart that K needs her to be strong in a different sort of way.
