Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

One good thing. Today I picked the girls up from school, we went back to the apartment and ate. When the after-school sitter got there at 3:30 p.m. I dropped them off and went back to work.

My major resolution -- in terms of my sitch -- for 2010 was not to snoop as I work on not caring what she does. Step one is to take myself out of the environment. Being there every day after school is like giving an alcoholic free reign in a liquor store.

D10 asked me why we were switching and I didn't think before I said, "D10, I don't live there any more. I shouldn't be over there every day."

I then asked if it was OK and she said yes.

[dwinter82]

Good job on the snoooping resolution. I snooped to find out what the hell was going on. Once I found out I should have stopped ASAP. The whole process caused massive anxiety and led to arguments, which in our situation is a big no no. Plus some of the stuff I saw still haunts me to this day. They are going to do what they are going to do and snooping will only make them lie and shroud themselves in more secrecy.

[ClingingToHope]

CTH,
While I haven't read your entire thread your sitch from the time of the bomb is not that long. I know coming up on a year, but you are not getting a response from your current DBing efforts, have you tried changing and seeing what happens, experiment a little, what do you have to lose. If she is not pushing it then why do it? Can you not "move on" without a piece of paper saying you are no longer married? Pretend you are divorced w/o actually doing it, is that an option? (I will catch up on your entire sitch tonight)

Things for us changed in January 2007 for some reason. I've looked at the timeline and the things going on in our lives. Lots of stresses piling up and she just became very depressed.

Moving on without the piece of paper is a tough one. I don't want to divorce, but I don't want to let my life pass me by. I do not want to date while still married. That, to me, is wrong. And I don't want W to date while we are married. She may already be doing that. She's certainly partying while still married. I've tried to live with that -- and I don't think I can.

Then there's the respect factor. I have no respect for myself. I've been living on eggshells for three years. She sits there telling the girls she's still "deciding." While she's deciding I'm in limboland. While she's "deciding" she's staying out all night on Christmas and New Year's.

I've let this go on long enough. It's time for me to decide. Unless my lawyer tells me I'm better off financially in limboland then I want to move forward.

[C-Bart]

Good job on the snoooping resolution. I snooped to find out what the hell was going on. Once I found out I should have stopped ASAP. The whole process caused massive anxiety and led to arguments, which in our situation is a big no no. Plus some of the stuff I saw still haunts me to this day. They are going to do what they are going to do and snooping will only make them lie and shroud themselves in more secrecy.

I thought I was the only one who did this. Thanks for making me feel a little normal today.

[ClingingToHope]

Fear is such a hard thing to live with. I'm starting to fear the meeting with the L. I already fear the D process. I already fear the pain of having to tell my girls it was I who filed to end it.

Even though my head tells me I'll do fine on my own, I must admit I fear being alone -- of ever finding another person who wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

I was telling a friend though that nothing so far has been harder than I thought it would be.

Moving out. Starting over. Interacting with people and telling them my story.

That's all gone well so I shouldn't fear anything. But I do.

Really, though, I've been living with fear for three years. I've feared that W's love for me would never return and I'd be stuck in a loveless M.

So letting go of the rope is the same as pushing past the fear.

I know this but it's still there. And tomorrow's the meeting with the L where he might put some of that fear back into me.

[MHL]

CTH,
Try to focus on something positive, anything at all. This whole thing with the Lawyer and D, just let it be something you have to do that is mundane like changing the oil in the car. You just do it and forget about it. That being said, I would move slowly and think about how your actions today will affect what you want tomorrow. Have a great day!

[dwinter82]

I understand the fear thing and this is common for most. The unknown and what the futue may hold is a scary concept.

[ClingingToHope]

I hear you MHL, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do that until the process gets started. In fact, my major weakness in this whole separation is my inability to shut my brain down.

That's something I'm going to discuss with my IC on the 10th. I've never even thought of taking anti-depressants or anything of that nature. But for eight months I've been on an interesting cycle. I pack my days and nights as full as possible so that I don't think of my sitch. Then when I exhaust myself, run out of things to do and lay down, my brain zeroes in on it. I never just chill.

Part of it is that I am addicted to being in a relationship. I've always had somebody to talk to at the end of the day.

Even if W and I had little to talk about the last 2 1/2 years we were together, she was there and if she didn't feel like talking, then there were the girls to play with.

Even now, I'm using this board and FaceBook to fill the void.

[ClingingToHope]

Had a tough day at work. My decade review project was a smash, but I really rushed through the final day of it to get done on time and there were a couple of mistakes.

Tomorrow is another day. Took D10 to swimming and ran on the track a bit. Noticed a very cute teacher's aid from D7's school was on the track. I said hi in passing. I noticed she doesn't have a wedding ring. Perhaps in a couple of months, if the D train has left the station I may take a shot at asking her out.

Tomorrow is not only another day, it may be a very important day. The meeting with the L and turning over $1,500 (which sucks). I'm going to focus on finances. I want to know if I'm better off in a D than I am in Limboland. I want to take the emotion out of it.

Of course, after the meeting I may be an emotional wreck. I'm glad I have my meeting with the IC on Thursday.

[dwinter82]

Sometimes D is not necessarily a bad thing. It still hurts like hell but at least you can focus on something other than "getting a divorce". I do not know what is right in your sitch but I have been dealing with the threat for two years and from an emotional perspective, I am spent. I do not want to give up but I also want to be realistic.

Try not to get too down; be confident and know things will get better (at least that is what I keep telling myself).