Once upon a time, there was a man who so desperately wanted to save his marriage, who wanted his children to live in the same home with two loving parents, who believed in miracles. He worked so hard to be better than he was...to get help both for himself and his wife...and thought that this achievable.
Over time, he began to realize that you cannot change other people nor can you force someone to stay in love. He began to see that a person that has so much inner conflict and pain that it becomes nearly impossible for them to nurture a loving relationship. Painfully, he saw that some people can be consumed with so much anger and hate, that, it will supercede their love for their children to the point that their actions hurt the small innocent ones. They become unable to put the children's needs first. They desperately need to punish their spouse at all costs. The memories of creating life together, of building a home together, of promises made to respect each other.....are extinguished not much differently than stomping on a cigarette on the ground, grinding it down with their heel and walking away.
Sadly, the actions of the other person begin to destroy you and when, constantly exposed to them, you begin to wither. They poison you even when you have released them to find the happiness they claim they so desperately want. The brush stroke they paint you with becomes darker and thicker and only in shades of grays and black.
I have done my best to do ONLY what is required of me by law to part from my wife. I have tried not to torture her nor to avoid my responsibility of giving her a fair division of what she deserves. Yet, I am still, verbally abused. My son complains that he is not allowed to call me. The police are called when I allow my son to have a sleepover playdate and I am financially dragged to trial that will bankrupt both of us.
Know what?
I still play with my children. I teach my son to do as best he can in school. "Better to get the grades and not need them than, need them, and not have them to do what you want in your life." Last night, he couldn't fall asleep and he came down to me on the couch where I sleep for this week. He told me that he wanted to design video games. We talked about knowing computers, engineering, art work and talked about companies like Activision...at age 9. I encouraged him and told him that he was artistically talented and he could do whatever he wanted in life if he strives to achieve it.
I still give my daughter a piggy back ride down from her bed in the morning to breakfast.
I brush my son's brow at night when he can't get to sleep until he drifts off..and I kiss him goodbye while he sleeps before leaving at 6 AM.
I check on my daughter and make sure her covers are pulled up and kiss her goodbye as well.
I stay a loving father in spite of my wife's wishes to exclude me as one.
As the 4 year anniversary of the "I love you but I want the romance back" approaches in May, I still must struggle to become financially solvent again, but, my children still love me. I still help sick people to get better. And...I am a different person than I was when I was bombed. I do not love the person that my STBXW has become. She has done her work well.
Happy New Year all.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
