Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

Fear is such a hard thing to live with. I'm starting to fear the meeting with the L. I already fear the D process. I already fear the pain of having to tell my girls it was I who filed to end it.

Even though my head tells me I'll do fine on my own, I must admit I fear being alone -- of ever finding another person who wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

I was telling a friend though that nothing so far has been harder than I thought it would be.

Moving out. Starting over. Interacting with people and telling them my story.

That's all gone well so I shouldn't fear anything. But I do.

Really, though, I've been living with fear for three years. I've feared that W's love for me would never return and I'd be stuck in a loveless M.

So letting go of the rope is the same as pushing past the fear.

I know this but it's still there. And tomorrow's the meeting with the L where he might put some of that fear back into me.