Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[sandi2]

God, that is so sad. She clearly needs help but as Greek & I were telling another man about his W, the H is usually not the one that can get her to go b/c she resents him trying to "fix" her.

Stuck, the advice people have for each other is great, and what Michele has in her books is wonderful, but you know that God can do all things if we have faith in Him and not stop praying for her. It seems that nothing will get better until she is well. I wished you could move on, but I think it pains you so much seeing her in this state until it holds you back.

I have told so many that I think a WAW has to see where she suffers loss or shock from her decision to leave. She didn't react to your dating, and now I'm wondering if she did not join you and the girls for family things how she would respond. If there's nothing......and if she doesn't have any of the other signs that you read about in a WAW....(and I don't see it right now)....then it sure sounds like it could be medical. IDK. It just looks like her parents would try to talk to her. Can't they see what kind of shape she's in?

[MrBond]

I think everyone outside the immediate family can see it, however she seems to compartmentalize the problem so that it is just in the M that she is unhappy. Or rather just when she's around me.

Her sister and mom aren't ones to make waves and have the belief that if you're unhappy, just leave the sitch no matter what it is. Her dad left her mom and I think this is what she honestly believes. So her sister and her mom really believe it's the M that was the problem. Plus I think they are so used to seeing her like this that they accept it for what it looks like.

So no help there.

If my W was like Big Johns and did everything in her power to piss me off, then this would have ended a long time ago. However, I remember way back when this first happened when she first asked me if it was possible to love more than one person when she was in the EA with the OM. She chose the OM, but it went against everything she believed in. Right after that was when the lightswitch turned on and I became the root of her problems. To this day I don't think she understands it herself fully.

She still works with him, although indirectly. But I feel it's that constant contact with him that is holding her down.

Unfortunately she has no positive role model to show her what a good M is like and how much work it takes. She really thinks it's something she feels. And she refuses to work on it.

But that's her. I continue to thrive and pray for her healing at the same time. Sometimes I do wish there were something I could do as it's hurting the kids most of all.

[sandi2]

She still works with him, although indirectly. But I feel it's that constant contact with him that is holding her down.

I agree. Do you know what his attitude toward her is at this time? Seeing him must keep her emotions in turmoil.

If she believes that "you" are what maikes her so unhappy, then why does she not refuse to join you and the kids in family things? The two of you seem to share a lot of time (with the girls, but with each other) to suppose to be a S couple. I can't even imagine how frustrated you must get. You can't really move forward and she doesn't seem to be able to move past her EA, so it's a mess.

Stuck, I want you to know that if I don't say much....it's simply b/c I don't know what to say at this time. (You know I care.) I really know of no other souce except for God and to continue to pray that the answer will come before it's too late for all of you.

[MrBond]

I think my W and her boss have a casual working relationship. Although I know he's probably still flirting with her. What an @$$. To this day she denies that it was one of the reasons for her wanting to leave, even though when all this madness started, she told me it was for him. Crazy I tell you. I think on some level she really believed he was her soulmate and now she's "lost" without anyone. HELLO! Try looking at what you have.

She does contradict herself when it comes to us. She told me before how she was afraid of being in the same room with me, yet we can go out with the kids no problem.

In regards to the going out together, I think she believes she's doing it strictly for the kids. And that this helps her relationship with them. Not me. If anything, the focus has to be taken off of the kids and back onto me. A part of me believes that it isn't going to happen until she goes out with someone else and can compare me with them.

Today she called me several times at work to find out if she could pick up our D from school. I just let them all go to VM.

Thanks sandi for commenting. Don't worry if there's nothing to say. Just knowing others are here even if it's for a prayer or two is appreciated.

When you came out of your "fog" and decided to stay in your M, it was your choice. That's what she has to get to and right now she really doesn't want the M or anything else for that matter.

[MrBond]

I think I have to adopt a more WAS attitude and see how she reacts to that.

[v1olin]

Yes, I am going back to that myself. Our court date is on the 15th so I am going to be done.

[CityGirl]

The point you made about not having a positive marriage to serve as a role model for your W is interesting to me.

My H's parents (and they are both very nice people and treated me like a daughter the moment I became involved with H) have a very sad marriage. They both sort of live their own lives, have zero respect for one another and it really is a marriage of convenience. They both have openly said it is up to the other to "fix" it and both have stood their ground that it is up to the other one. They don't fight/argue, there is no physical abuse they just sort of drift along and just so happen to live in the same house. From the outside they seem to have it "all". The beautiful house in the upscale neighborhood, two thriving careers, the vacation home in Florida, the membership to the fancy golf club, the two wonderful vacations they take each year, no debt and blah blah blah. But those are just "things". Little do most people know when they take those fabulous vacations all they really do is share a plane ride, hotel and maybe a meal or two. The rest of the time is spent as individuals.

One of the saddest things I ever witnessed (and to my in-laws they never batted an eye which IMO is even sadder) is a conversation they had in front of H and I. To them it was just a casual conversation and they said neither of them were interested in hearing about each other's day when they got home at night and really wanted no involvement in each others lives. They said it so casually like they were talking about what to have for dinner but my H and I stood there stunned. They even sort of laughed about it as if this was a normal way to conduct a R.

My H has said for YEARS he never wanted a marriage like his parents yet he operates just as they do in every sense of the word. He does not feel like he should have to work in a marriage and it is up to the other to mind read, fix things and do all the work. As long as my H brought home a paycheck and brought me flowers each week then he was doing his "job" as a husband. To him it's a "feeling" and once its gone, its gone. Funny thing is the R my H is in now (his affair that has lasted for close to 2 years) is getting "real" and the "fun, sex, fantasy" is dwindling and real life is setting in. My guess is once the work starts he will shut down emotionally until he can't tolerate it anymore and find a new "fun, sexy, fantasy R".

That is not for me. And it's not for you either.

[MrBond]

Hi CG,

Thanks for commenting on my thread.

I think no one who gets M truly understands what a healthy M is at the get go. We have to go through all of this to learn and grow. From there, I would like to think that our kids will learn from the positive example they see.

However it should start sometime and hopefully with the WAS's help, that time would be now. They always say that family's who divorce have a high probability of children who will also D. It comes from them not getting that role model to begin with.

If your H's mom and dad are just together and not working on the M that they know is toxic, then of course that's not healthy. What I don't understand are couples who CHOOSE to stay miserable and don't do anything to make themselves happy with each other.

I think that when a couple doesn't consider D on the table, then they are halfway there to a happy M. It takes work, it takes dedication, but once they decide to make it work, the M thrives and grows.

[MrBond]

CG,

So I'm curious...what do you think of my sitch?

[MrBond]

Update:

So she called me today to say that she is going to have papers drawn up. I tell her fine and ask her again what's her reason. Then she says it's because she didn't love me. So I ask her, if she didn't love me, why didn't she just D me instead of cheating behind my back.

She threatened to hang up, but I told her that I needed to understand in order to heal. I asked her if she liked the person she had become and she didn't answer. I asked her if she liked the person who lied, cheated, blamed me for everything..all the things she's been doing while on her quest for D. Again no answer.

I told her about how we don't communicate and without it, it was no wonder our feelings died. I asked her questions I had, about why she did the things she did. Again no answer. In fact she started crying on the phone. I told her about us not knowing what a healthy M was like and she agreed. I told her it was hard work but the main thing is the understanding that I had her back.

First time I got an emotional response in a long time.

After the conversation, I just sat back and prayed for peace.

I know some are going to think that I rubbed her face in the A. But really, I think some of our WASs believe they are so "entitled" to treat us like crap that they need a little reality check. And I told her it was for "me" to understand, which it was.

Tonight I'm planning to complete the conversation. Do I think it's going to change anything? Nope. But like Michele says, if what you're doing isn't working, do something different. And to a certain point I'm not going to be blamed any longer. No doormat for me.