Newbie with almost WAW - Need Advice

[TrentC]

If you want to deter this, keep a second window open to CNN or something and every 5 minutes or so, go back to it and load a new article

Or install a second web browser. There are plenty to choose from for the Mac -- Firefox, Camino, Opera, and OmniWeb all leap to mind.

[Sleepy]

Hum, I didn't know about safari private browsing. Will have to try that. I don't clear out the entire history. I just clear DB fourm. I am sneakier and a bit more savy with technology than she is. Thanks Trent

[12bar]

Clearing my history and going to dreamland! good night all..

[chatterbug]

Stop validating. Start stating what you find unexceptable.

And make that your validating statements.

[chatterbug]

Hey guys, I'm not implying the LBH is the guilty party! I was simply expressing my "personal" stitch and how I would have reacted to exposure and how I feel inadequent to tell a LBH the steps to take in exposusre. Many of our members will answer a first time poster and tell him to expose the A and then never return to guide him in "how to" do it. So, when the newcomer does it unprepared.....it's not good.

Anyway, I'll not continue on with this. Thanks Cutter and the rest of you for your replys. I do try to support exposing as best as I can, but I sure believe a confrontation & boundary needs to be set in place.

Sandi. I have the upmost respect for every word you say. If you feel I could learn more from my thoughts on this. Please do. You are a very smart woman and you have much wisdom. I wish to learn. What you say in one sentance, can be a months work for a person to figure out.

Thank you Sandi.

[12bar]

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PMA, PMA, PMA! If I find this challenging, may have to start ADs

For people who suffer with long term depression, meds are the way we have to go. I tried everything for depression, but I finally accepted that it was a clinical thing in my brain that I could not control.

I have been holding off b/c I have always felt it would be best to get through this without "chemical assistance". Problem is, I am still mightily depressed over all of this and I wear that sad look on my face. If I can see it, she certainly can too. Going to talk to doc about it and see if there are good AD options for me.

3. Start going to MC, let her know that she is welcome to come and let her know each time I go. Continue with my therapy for depression.

I got to tell ya, speaking as a former WAW....that doesn't work too well for her. It is pressure on her and she will resist you saying anything...even the fact that "you" are attending MC, so I personally think it is a bad idea to mention to her that you're going, much less invite her. It is the same principle as leaving marriage help books laying around for her to read.

I see your point about it being similar to laying M books around the house. I have to admit that I got psyched about Retrovaille this week and have really had the urge to send her the info but have held off. I also thought about writing her a letter to let her know where I stand in terms of wanting to work on things but held off on that too.

I guess my main urge is based on wanting her to know that there resources and options out there to help her figure herself out but I guess that is the "fixer" coming out in me.

One thing that I really want her to know more than anything else is that if she were to decide to work on things 100%, while we would have some tough issues to work through, she would never have to endure judgement from me or anyone else. I want her to feel like it is safe for her to try. Any suggestions on how to let her know this. I don't want to put any pressure on her, just want her to realize that I won't pounce on her the minute she tries to reach out.

7. Reconnect with family and old friends

Make this part of your GAL. Don't do it on the computer or phone alone, but get out of the house (while W is home) and go meet thses folks.

Flying home to see friends and family tomorrow

11. I will set a daily goal to demonstrate to myself that I am high value

Oh, I like this one!

Trying this one but still feel like she traded me in like "cash for clunkers" on a nice new model! It will take time...

[12bar]

[quote]I had thought long and hard about a keylogger but have been hesitant. If she found it, I think it would be a dealbreaker for her. Is this worth it?

That advice is passed around a lot, but I think it has to be left up to the individual man. If you can live without a keylogger and you think you can outshine OM....then you have to make that choice. But, some men find themselves in a limbo state due to the WAW being very comfy in her cake-eating state. So, it's up to you. If she is computer savy, then it is taking a very big risk. Having her followed with some picture taking may work better. You need to read about options to take and then decide what is best for your stitch.

I am definitely the more computer savvy of the two of us or at least I like to think so! I keep waffling on the keylogger but as the days wear on, the thoughts that I need to start taking steps to protect myself are becoming more frequent. I looked at her internet history the other day and saw something that made it seem like she is at least starting to look into what would be involved in selling off a major asset. While it is something she bought, it was bought during our marriage and in our state, that means it is a marital asset. I am wary of any significant financial moves, especially if there is no transparency about them.

Sure hope 2010 turns out to be a great year for you.

Thanks, I wish the best for you and your family in 2010 as well!

[12bar]

Thanks Lotus, How can I let W know about Retro in a way that is not pursuing and not putting pressure on her? I also think she will be very wary about the fact that it is sponsored by the church as she is not religious.

I read that it has an 80% success rate for couple where both are at a point of really wanting to work on things. That is an encouraging stat to be sure!

[12bar]

It has been nearly 2 months since any physical contact bewteen me and W. Last night, we had a really good night. Fun conversation, drinks at home, playing in the floor with the dogs. Really was very similar to how we were back when things were great between us.

W had a bit too much to drink to be sure. When we went to bed, she actually opened up to me and we fell asleep in each others arms. Felt good. This AM, I was wondering if her physical openness was due to the effects of the alcohol or the effects of a fun night with no R pressure at all. I am leaning towards the latter right now!

[sandi2]

This AM, I was wondering if her physical openness was due to the effects of the alcohol or the effects of a fun night with no R pressure at all. I am leaning towards the latter right now!

I would think it was some of both. But look at it like this, if there had been a R talk then I doubt the drinking would have caused her to open up in a good way.

Just don't try to read too much into these times. Yes, it pays off not to pressure her, but just mark it down as a good night b/c you played it like you needed to. Now, when she wakes up, she may be completely withdrawn the next day b/c she may be worried that you took her acting all cozy like as a green light, so don't be surprised if she is in a mood. WAW's do that. They come in close, then back off b/c they are confused or they don't want the H to get the wrong idea and she has to convince him that she still isn't ready to reconcile.

So enjoy those times when you can get them, but then ready for her to retreat the next day.....or maybe even sooner.