Yeah, Freckles, I was expecting him to bite my head off completely and he only did so partially so I'm lucky. Like I said, there moments I saw and felt him really listening to the MC in between his usual ranting script.
Strange thing is, our experiences of our arguments are so different it's scary. As a matter of fact, he said I "bludgeon him with demands" when I feel that he does exactly that to me! He shouts orders and demands and complaints and criticisms daily. When I respond, I feel I am asking to be spoken to with more respect. He feels I am demanding something of him and "denying his reality".
I swear that was really crazy. = I'm still stumped by that one.
However, the MC illuminated our pattern - H says something that hurts me, I feel hurt, I ask him to speak nicer, H feels he is being demanded of and shuts me down, I push, he shuts down, I push, etc & round and round. This is a nice way of putting it.
So we both admitted our part - and that was the first time I've heard that from H in a long time. It was a good step. MC had to remind H that I am not denying H's reality by expressing what my experience is, and encouraged me to remember this too (kinda hard when H boasts - "I remember the facts and you are in crazyland").
so, the abuse was not dealt with directly, but indirectly. I am hoping it works. My panic attacks were lessoned today as I hoped to come home to a calmer H as a result. (I was secretly hoping MC would slam H and confront him about all the hurtful things he says to me, but in not taking sides, he'll probably make more headway.) Also, his advice for me not to push for my needs meets with DB principals of no pressuer, taking care of self, backing off, etc.
And as for OW, you are right. I like your idea of not creating trouble where there is none! Great advice. Keep it simple. I'm beginning to think that if in his weird mind he experiences me as "demanding" of my needs, and "denying his reality" perhaps he doesn't discuss his nights off out of a fear of confrontation. It's like MWD says if you expect disaster, you may create it, if you act "as if" things are good, you'll get that reaction from spouse. If I accuse and suspect OW where there is none, I'm creating unnecessary tension between us and H will react to that energy alone.
so I'm lucky. Like I said, there moments I saw and felt him really listening to the MC in between his usual ranting script. 
