Doc, you think we could be married to the same woman? It sounds like you wife is in turmiol. It almost sounds like she is in a state of panicy confusion. She is taking an interest in you and wondering what you are up to. Our Ws have carefully constructed system of reality. For those systems to work properly for them, we must behave according to thier plans. When we go off script, it is very disruptive.
Also, I picked up a good book over the weekend, Real Love in Marriage. You may want to have a look at it at some point. I am only a couple of chapters in but it is helpful in understanding behviors designed to obtain and prevent the loss of what the author calls "imitation love". He uses the analogy of a drowning man. If you were on the beach and someone was splashing you with water you may get irritated and if it persisted, angry. But if you learned the person was drowning, then your anger would immediately disipate and you would act to help the drowning person. In R, the person is drowning in the life long absense of real love. Essentially, they are anoxic. With this understanding, we can see, the author poses, that we need to learn that our spouses behavior has nothing to do with us but rather the absence of real love from thier life. Therefore, we are free to not react with anger and defensive when attached and can reach out to help them. Of course, this is complicated by the fact that we too have been deprived of real love in our own lives. So it sets up a situation where two people are thashing about trying to get thier heads above water and thier actions are the equivolent of emotionally dunking the other. (Yes, I wrote, "emotionally dunking". I now need some quality time with my chainsaw.) It is an interesting read thus far.
Thanks for the book suggestion. I just downloaded it on my SWEET amazon kindle that my W (who hates my guts) gave me for Christmas.
Nice to have a kindred spirit book suggestion. We can read it together.
I had a pretty good day. I forgot my hospital ID, can't get in anywhere without it. I texted my W and she brought it to me. I texted back a nice thank you. When I got home, she was pleasant and told me a story about her day which I listened intently to. I gave her a compliment about how nice her hair looked. I stayed pleasant but detached. I had a great workout after work. The gym was packed! I'll jump over and see what you are up to.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Get the Firefox browser b/c it has a secret browsing function. Check Awoken's post on my thread today for the keystrokes. Definitely can't let her find this site!
You got a Kindle from your W for Christmas too! I love my Kindle, one of the coolest things is that most classic literature has been transcribed by volunteers and is available for free!
BTW, there is a Kindle I phone app and it stays synced with your Kindle
Her fantasy is that I divorce her, give her full custody of the kids, she lives in an expensive gated community without any change in her lifestyle $$ and without me.
Welcome to the club.
Your job is to pop those fantasy bubbles little by little by calmly telling and showing her what the reality of post-D life will look like. As you pop them, she's going to be angry and tell you you are being unfair and unreasonable. And that will be the sign you are on the right track.
HER decision, but you help bring the reality to her in the way of real consequences.
Exactly.
This is common. Be prepared for her to claim you are being an aggressive and unreasonable @ss any time she sees that you won't just roll over in a D.
I get it too. It really threw me for a while. The fact that she was being herself so unreasonable and simultaneously calling me unreasonable was flabbergasting.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
In my discussion the other day, my W (who does not want to do MC) introduced evidence of my inability to change which was the fact that I had not yet scheduled MC.
Doc, I experimented with a kindle before Christmas. I have found people either love them or hate them. I am still on the fence.
A bit on Real Love. Real Love may help the practice of validating her feelings. It may help realize that her anger really isn't always about your conduct. But also, and perhaps more importantly, it has could help you recognize behaviors in yourself that are obstacles to getting what you want. These are some things that I have taken away from it so far.
For what it is worth, IMO you are doing the right things. It is so hard. Perhaps the harder it is now, the greater the return on the otherside. We know this to be true in other areas of life. Med school was hard, but there was a payoff. Training is hard, but you have a big payoff there too. Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but he didn't say you couldn't block a punch. Stay on your feet and stay out of the corners.