Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[givingitmyall]

Stop mindreading. You CAN't figure it out, and it's only going to play with your mind. As Coach would say, it just feeds the snakes on the brain. Don't do it.

You can walk two paths. One preparing for D. The other remaining open to working on the M (but I have to be honest with you, she's got a LOT of convincing to do - with actions, not words).

[TulsaTime]

There's always hope SD.

[SoldierDad]

Ya, but after what happened, I just don't know.

How can I get past all of this now? I just don't know if I can.

I thought I could work through ANYTHING with her, but that would mean she has to work WITH me, and admit to what she has done, and she is completely in denial about doing anything wrong.

Like I wrote earlier, I KNOW for a fact she has been with at least 2 OM. I KNOW this.

She refuses to accept any blame, and would rather walk away and lose our family than have to admit it. I just have to accept that fact, and STOP trying to get her to admit to her faults.

My W has issues, and I am starting to realize that I can't help her with those issues. We talked about them, but she isn't ready to confront them.

I don't want to have false hope, I want to know that what I am doing can HELP bring her home.

When do I just drop the rope and move on? I don't know - yet.

[SoldierDad]

gima,

can you comment on what I posted above? I am interested in your take as far as W and dealing with her "issues"

Thanks.

[givingitmyall]

SD, if this is what you are talking about:

I don't want to have false hope, I want to know that what I am doing can HELP bring her home.

then here's my take. Hope is a bit$h b/c it generates expectations, and expectations set you up for a sucker punch. Now, being open to changes you, nor anyone else here, can see right now is different alltogether.

I think tough love is what is called for. A large part of the problem is she does not respect you. While instituting tough love isn't going to make her happy (in fact it's going to make her pretty mad), she will respect you.

As far as her dealing with her issues, only SHE can do that. SHE has to want to do it. You can't do this for her. It's like having a friend with an addiction problem - you really want to help them and know the best thing for them, but until they want to help themselves, you're just beating your head against a wall trying to get them to want help.

And the fact that she's cheated on you with two OM is a very bad sign. Is it forgiveable under the right circumstances? Only you can answer that. But, I don't think she's anywhere near the "right circumstances."

If I were in your shoes, I would prepare for D, move forward on that while not closing off to the possibility of working on the relationship if, and when, she convinced me she was serious. Not taking ownership of the A's is something with which I would have a HUGE problem. Kind of of like an alcoholic saying he doesn't have a problem.

[SoldierDad]

Ya,

I understand. I WANT her to admit to the A's so that there can be some sort of closure, and the ability to try to move towards MC, but she won't admit to any of it. Not sure if any other sitch's have been the same way.

I mean, I confronted her with the EVIDENCE, and she merely tries to expalin it away. This has worked for her in the past with me about various other issues, but I didn't buy it this time.

I know I can't know what she is feeling, but I think I know her well enough to know that she is thinking if she admits to doing anything wrong, she is the loser, and I could use that in court against her. What she doesn't realize is, I have already given my L all this info.

I dunno, is my sitch common as far as her constant denial, and refusal to admit to her issues?

I don't think I have read about anyone else having this issue as bad as mine.

[CityGirl]

Then you have never read my thread if you are certain you have never heard of anybody having it as "bad as you".

My H and dropped the bomb in March of 2008 (and yes, he was in an affair at that time and I had NO CLUE). He moved out in April of 2008 then moved two more times without telling me. The third time he moved was to live with OUR best friends so him and OW could cozy up.

We had a brutal legal battle that ended on Nov. 17, 2009 with a legal separation in place. Despite all of this, the HARD evidence I had, his admission to me and various other things he still, to THIS DAY, tells me he did nothing wrong because in his mind the marriage was over so him having an affair was not wrong. BTW, he is still with his affair almost two years later.

Your WAS is far from unique. And you, as a LBS are not unique either. Guilt, shame and the fear of being caught will help a person do whatever they need to do to justify their actions.

My H still has not told his family the truth about when his affair started.

[givingitmyall]

I understand. I WANT her to admit to the A's so that there can be some sort of closure, and the ability to try to move towards MC

SD, you're still getting hung up on thinking your actions will elicit a response from your W - CONTROL. You don't have that control and never have. You have to let go of this b/c she is going to do what she wants to do, no matter what you say or do.

So, does it make it more difficult for her to leave the M if you work on yourself? MAYBE, maybe not. But, it makes YOU a better person and a better father. And most importantly, it makes YOU a better person for YOU.

DB'ing isn't really about saving M's. It's about saving you. And saving YOU may, or may not, increase the odds of her coming back.

I know this may not be what you want to hear. I know I didn't early on. I wanted someone to tell me she was going to snap out of it and that she would come back if I just tried a little harder, improved a little more. But no one can tell you that and mean it.

So, focus on you, for yourself and for your kids. Let go of the rest. Have faith that you are doing teh right thing and that whatever is supposed to be will be.

[SoldierDad]

gima,

you know-you are right. I want control, but I will never get it.

I can't control her, or what she does.

I have to learn that I can ONLY control ME and what I do.

I have to understand that I alone can't save my M.

[luvless]

HARD evidence I had, his admission to me and various other things he still, to THIS DAY, tells me he did nothing wrong because in his mind the marriage was over so him having an affair was not wrong. BTW, he is still with his affair almost two years later.

this really bothers me - it's just too scary bcuz my H says, "I've done nothing wrong so I'm not worried about it."

this is really sick and twisted thinking - fog or no fog