I don't want to have false hope, I want to know that what I am doing can HELP bring her home.
then here's my take. Hope is a bit$h b/c it generates expectations, and expectations set you up for a sucker punch. Now, being open to changes you, nor anyone else here, can see right now is different alltogether.
I think tough love is what is called for. A large part of the problem is she does not respect you. While instituting tough love isn't going to make her happy (in fact it's going to make her pretty mad), she will respect you.
As far as her dealing with her issues, only SHE can do that. SHE has to want to do it. You can't do this for her. It's like having a friend with an addiction problem - you really want to help them and know the best thing for them, but until they want to help themselves, you're just beating your head against a wall trying to get them to want help.
And the fact that she's cheated on you with two OM is a very bad sign. Is it forgiveable under the right circumstances? Only you can answer that. But, I don't think she's anywhere near the "right circumstances."
If I were in your shoes, I would prepare for D, move forward on that while not closing off to the possibility of working on the relationship if, and when, she convinced me she was serious. Not taking ownership of the A's is something with which I would have a HUGE problem. Kind of of like an alcoholic saying he doesn't have a problem.
