The line of arguments I am reading (and responding to) over in Kerry and Gypsy's threads are interesting -- and they could not have come at a more pointed moment right now. The issues touch on things going on right now in my brother's own deteriorated marital situation.
I mentioned in my last journaling post about the developments in my brother's sitch. His W, my SIL, has come out openly now with her relationship with another man. My brother and SIL (STBXSIL) are still married, and yet she's already dating and has now publicly stated she is in a R. I had all along suspected that she was already involved with someone else when she started making all these pronouncement to me and my family as to why she and my brother had to end their M. I am almost 100% certain she had already been having an EA with this creepy guy before the separation.
Typical WAW behavior. And she seemed to honestly think she was fooling me during our talks. I said nothing during those times, just offered a few questions to feel her out and to basically let her hang herself with her own words. And then she went and opened a dialog with my own ex -- and then tried to play it down, as if it were really nothing and she wasn't really trying to ally with my ex. I know my ex, and she undoubted contacted my SIL first, especially when she learned my SIL has split from my brother. xW swore to me just days before that she would never, ever contact my side of the family and try to bad mouth me in front of them -- but xW is a proven liar, repeatedly so. So I am sure they have been trading dirt on me and my brother. That's no big deal to me for my sake. But my brother doesn't deserve it, especially not from my ex.
SInce then I haven't really talked much to SIL. I am certain she's figured out by know that I've got her number. And that's just sad, because I don't hate her -- I just think she's screwed up in the head right now. She had deluded herself like so many WAS's that the grass is greener on the other side, while her children, my nieces and nephew, will miraculously do so much better with their parents D'ed.
I think she's a classic WAW in MLC. There's been no animosity or hatred between her and my brother. They were good parents to their children. The still get along quite well despite the separation, cooperate and co-parent as best as I've ever seen. But SIL is undoubtedly spoiled and selfish, and she wants more than what my brother has been willing to give her. She wants to "trade up" and seek her own happiness (through another man, yeah right) all the while in complete denial about how the children's lives are going to be stunted as a result of this.
I call B-S on anyone and everyone who tries to tell me D is better for children. That is just wishful thinking.
I talked to B, my youngest brother (unmarried), to get the scoop on our other brother, K. He used to be good friends with SIL since she's actually closer to his age than she is K. (She's about 38 but the guy she's seeing now is older than I am!) My brother B is thoroughly p'ed off at her and won't talk to heror my brother K anymore. She lied to B and snowed him early in the S -- B is actually more upset with her than K is.
I had a long heated conversation with K, at last, on Saturday. It's worse than I thought. He is usually non-communicative with me about non-trivial matters. He's the middle child and always seeks to avoid conflict. He doesn't like to get into heavier conversations with me or anyone, although he will with his life-long buddies. But K is not only defending his W but is angrily defensive for her sake.
While I can and did commend K for accepting ownership for his failures in their M, it alarms me that he is going way to far -- he is taking 100 percent of the blame for the failure of their M. He said that he alone is responsible for why they are ending their M because he has been a terrible H and a poor father -- he wants SIL to accept no blame for this. I know that K is not being honest here, especially about his fatherhood, because I know for a fact how absolutely outstanding he has been all these years in raising their three kids. So I probed further and asked him what he had possibly done to deserve such a low appraisement of himself. Had he been fooling around, cheating on SIL? No. Had he been abusive with her? No. Had he been abusing drugs or alcohol? No, although he had at one time been hitting the bottle a bit more than he should have, but he has cut it out practically entirely in the last year (mostly for his huge fitness kick: marathon running.) So, what was it? Basically, he can't make SIL happy.
It didn't take long for me to start getting a bit angry. After hearing my brother castigate himself and rebuff any attempt by me to get him to attenuate his stance that SIL was totally blameless, to concede that she owned at least 50% of their M failure -- and with him getting verbally abusive at the very suggestion -- I was furious to hear how wimped out and self-effacing he was for someone who was obviously taking advantage of his foolishness. SIL has managed to brain-wash my brother into accepting full and complete culpability for her ejecting from their M. It is maddening.
Folks, the backstory to all of this adds up to an insane situation. SIL has borrowed money from my mother -- money that my mom cannot afford -- not to cover their mortgage on the family home, as SIL made the story out to her, but to help renovate the home SIL inherited from her own mother so SIL could move into it during the separation. And SIL is going to force the family home to be liquidated at D time and leave my brother K with the task of not only having to find his own place to live, but to have to pay our mother back out of his share alone. But then, it gets worse, SIL is claiming that because she put $50,000 of her inheritance from her grandmother into the family home at the time they bought it, she gets to take that straight off the top of the equity before the 50-50 split. In most jurisdictions that $50k is considered a marital gift and considered a part of the marital property to be split.
But my brother is not going to defend himself and is going to go right along with whatever SIL plans. He won't even think to hire a L -- he won't hear of it!
So while I tried to act diplomatic with him and tried to validate part of his stance, I found myself getting angry for his sake.
And then I heard that SIL was already involving their kids with her OM. And my brother not only did not voice his objection, even to me who would have lent a sympathetic ear, but he told me in a very angry tone that I and everyone else needs to leave SIL alone.
I was flabbergasted that he was okay with his STBXW introducing their impressionable D17, S11 and D7 to her new boyfriend while she is still M'ed to their father. Especially my teenage niece -- what message is her mother sending to her about M and R with men?
I asked my brother about why they are failing to provide proper and moral role models for these children. My brother said, almost as if he was trying to convince himself, that he thinks his kids will do just fine.
I tried to reason with him, to get him to understand there was much more at stake here, and that the both of them were being d*mn fools. But K is just too lost and confused and far too trusting of someone who is, given the way she is moving, going to throw him to the wolves. He's got this martyr complex.
I told him that he is in danger not only of losing his W but the love and respect of his children for not fighting for them and their family.
By that time we were both pretty much fed up with each other. So he abruptly ended the call, hung up on me. He later tried to call back, but I didn't take it. We were both on opposites sides of the fence -- which is odd since I thought I was meeting him half way in the middle; but he just went to such an extreme. And both of us were still a bit riled by the other, so I thought it best to let us cool off a while and not talk anymore that day.
I wasn't so much angry, but shocked and saddened by his enabling behavior -- he is enabling his W to leave him for another man, and to take him for everything he's got.
I have reflected on this. I believe my brother is suffering from a form of depression. I remember that I too took on all the blame and accepted all the faults that xW had laid on me for the first couple of weeks following the bomb. Fortunately for me, my naturally cynical side eventually got the better of me, as I began to see the mismatch between my spouse's words and deeds. It's been much longer for K, and he's still enveloped in her fog.
I have speculated and pondered how SIL has manipulated my brother, demoralized him to the point that he's now putty in her hands. She's had him totally shut down in their bedroom for over two years now, by her own admission, and he's so ready to find his way out and seek release that he'll do practically anything to give her the D and the terms she wants. I know a little about being shut down like that -- I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt even.
But my poor, dumb brother refuses to open his eyes. I wish the both of them would just wake the frak up!
Okay, I've already written a veritable book here on this, and there is undoubtedly much more to come in their drama, although I really hope I'm wrong. I will continue to pray for those two and their kids. Maybe a miracle will happen and they'll each see the light, but I've seen this story too many times before and it just doesn't look good.
