Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[SDFoundGirl]

Just a thought, from someone who works with your son's age group for a living...

Yes, it was about you, about this whole crappy situation...but also about his mom, a classmate who made him look stupid in front of a girl, his hormones, the teacher who he thinks hates them. It's all wrapped up together like a big, drippy burrito. That's also why you get the I love you.

I've been reading along for the last little while...and okay, your posts drip with guilt and self-flagellation. Did you screw up? Yes. Welcome to the human race. You can beat yourself up about it, or you can do the best with what you've got, learn from the situation, and come out the other side a lot stronger and smarter. I'm willing to bet you won't make those same mistakes again.

Anyway, if your vibe is guilty on here, I'm willing to bet your vibe is sort of guilty in your real life. That makes you vulnerable, no matter what your kids truly think of the situation. You are the "safe" parent to attack...when my colleague was going through her divorce, her 13 year old daughter told her she wasn't fit to be a parent, who the hell let her procreate. And this lady is just about the nicest woman...her hubby had an affair and basically treated her like his personal servant. Fast forward 9 years, and this same girl has no recollection of that conversation, and mom and daughter are close as can be, closer than dad and daughter.

Now, I also think you need to set some boundaries with your son. The *way* he spoke to you is unacceptable. He knows that. He may not want to have a conversation with you, but I think it's important you express the following to him:

S, I'm sorry you think so poorly of me, and I can see how you might feel that way. I am, however, your father, and it is not acceptable for you to talk to me this way. If you're angry with me, if you disagree with something I've done or said, or if you have questions for me, I am willing to have a conversation with you at any time. However, it is not okay for you to use abusive or insulting language with me or anyone else. Part of becoming a man is stepping up to the plate and handling your problems face to face. That said, is there anything you'd like to talk to me about that we can sort out?

Does that make sense? Just because he's angry doesn't mean he gets to be disrespectful.

Now...are you willing to hear what he has to say without defending yourself? Can you listen and validate what your child says so he feels safe to express himself? Are you willing to find the truth in his words and make amends?

I know it hurts, but everyone in your family is hurting from this whole situation. It sucks. But what an opportunity to teach your son how to man up and handle his disagreements with respect.

SD