Thanks RW! I have been thinking all morning about what to say when H does eventually call and I am going to use what you said about calling the OW. It is true! This is my M and family we are talking about! He is MY H and I will not apologize!
H just called and is coming to split some wood and bring it in (we have a wood burner and have been desperately trying to keep it going since it has been about 8 degrees the last couple of days here. S14 and I have brought wood in but it is all buried under snow and hard to get to...anyway, am a nervous wreck...my hands are shaking and I can hardly type. He was very nice on the phone. D11 answered and he asked her to ask me if I would talk to him for a minute. I will not initiate any R talk and will not even bring up the phone call unless he does. Is this the right thing to do?
Luckily, I have plans with DIL to go see The Blind Side and will have to leave probably while he is still here!
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Well CW, there might be "vets" on this board that would disagree with me but it sounds to me like a 180 for you would be to raise the issue of the R in this case. You said you have not set boundaries... now is the time! He needs to know where you stand! you need to show him a strong CW who will fight for herself, her kids and her M... not the woman who was tolerating cake eating.
Take him aside, tell him calmly but firmly, "I want you to know, I choose this M. I want our family to stay together, but I will not live in an open M. You have some choices to make and so do I. If you choose to end the R with OW, have no contact, and have complete honesty and transparency with me, we can work on this together. If you choose to continue this R, then you need to OWN that choice, to our kids and everyone else. I will give you some time to think about that, but I also won't wait forever."
He got here just as I was finishing up my last post so had to hurry and sign off! He came in with a snail shaped planter with a plant in it for D11 who loves snails. He said he found it at Goodwill when he was there looking for clothes! That is a first for him...shopping at Goodwill for clothes! Of course both kids were here so we did go into the other room. He asked me how I was doing and I said "I am doing fine" and he asked about the kids and I said that they seem to be doing ok. He then went on to say that "this sucks" and I told him that I expected this to happen and that I thought he was looking for an excuse to leave and found one. Then he said that "he didn't want me to hate him and he didn't want to hate me" huh? I did tell him that I still want to work on our marraige but that I would not live in an open marraige any longer. One of the kids walked in so that was the end of the conversation. The kids and I did help him with the wood but then I had to leave to go to the movie. Apparently he left shortly after that. S14 asked him if he could stick around a little longer (thought he would since I was gone) but he said he better get going. Think S14 was pretty disappointed. Both kids commented on that we were nice to each other. He did tell me to not be afraid to call him if we needed anything.
Now, I am thinking I should not call unless it is absolutely something to do with the kids?
RW- I love what you wrote and want to use it but should I wait for him to call or the next time he comes by? BTW-I did talk with DIL today. She cried along with me. She will tell my SS27. She has promised to not say anything to H's sisters. I think it is up to H to tell his family!
Well, going to go watch Marley and Me with my kids!!!
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Sounds like you handled yourself well CW. Now, according to DB principles, you should not pursue. You should let him initiate contact. But, when he does, try to have that conversation. It doesn't have to be a long convo about the R, but you setting a boundary. That is important at this point. You started doing that, so he knows where you stand. That is important.
I've been ok today, thanks!!! I hope it wasn't the wrong thing I felt it would be ok to call H this morning to remind him to pick up rent. We have a rental house and he is the one that picks up the rent $ and I have ALWAYS had to remind him. I called his cell when I knew he would still be working and just left a short message in a pleasant tone "hi, just wanted to remind you that it is time to pick up the rent and deposit it. thanks" He didn't call back which is fine but I checked the bank today and he hasn't deposited anything so not sure if they didn't have it, he didn't get it, OR he kept it as they always pay cash. I really can't make the payment for HIS hot rod until I get that rent money! :-)
I had an eye appt this morning to get back into contacts as I have just been wearing glasses and I always feel better in contacts and thought while I still have insurance I would do that. Then, I went to the bank and opened up my own checking acct. That went well until she asked me if I wanted to put someone on there in case of death. My kids are minors and I obviously don't want H's name on there right now. So, I put my brother as he will know what to do. I didn't think about it at the time but guess I will have to change who is on my savings accts. if we end in D.
I am starting to make a list of things he and I need to talk about besides the R such as finances and if H wants to spend some time with the kids. I assume he is staying with OW so if he wants a weekend with the kids, I will offer our house and go visit a family member or friend for a couple of days.
I had kinda a funny thing happen to me today. I was home alone and on the bedroom phone upstairs talking with my brother and had music going in a different room so had the door shut. I was talking about H to my brother and could hear a floor board squeak and thought my heart was going to stop! Turned out it was one of the dogs!!! They are not allowed upstairs but I guess he must have wanted to see what I was doing...had to laugh after that!
I go back to work tomorrow after a long weekend. I normally work alone on Tues. but have a new person starting tomorrow. Kinda dread it but kinda think it might be a good thing so that if there is any down time, I won't dwell on all of this!
Glad you are doing well and if you have any comments on anything I would be glad to hear them!!!!
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Well, I was doing pretty good today but my S14 admitted to me earlier that he cried when his Dad left yesterday and has been crying off and on since H left. S14 has hidden that so well. My DIL said that SS27 wants to know "what the hell his Dad's problem is?". DIL said she saw H at therapy today and he said "hi" but she was still with her therapist so she didn't have a chance to talk to him. She said she called his phone 2x and he didn't answer and didn't call her back. Here I have been dealing with this for 4mos and sort of got a handle on it but seeing how it is affecting everyone else is very upsetting. I've been reading on how I am supposed to handle myself but how do I handle watching everyone else's pain???
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So, I was getting ready to leave for work and went to check on the hamster and the guinea pig and the poor little hamster was dead. I still had to air up my tire so didn't have time to take of the hamster! Luckily, I found a few free minutes and could run home and just "took care" of him. I didn't want S14 to come home to that...he is having a hard enough time as it is! My DIL offered that the kids come come to their house afterschool but S14 (being the man of the house now) said no, he better come home and put wood in the stove so that the fire won't go out because we don't know how to start it again and it supposed only be a high of -4 on Thursday!!!
I am thinking that the ANGER is setting in now for me!
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I have a question...trying to be "dark" here but I have checked our bank transactions and there has not been any rent, from our rental, deposited. Our finances count on that rent money. H has not called me to explain why rent has not been deposited. Do I call him and ask about it or keep quiet?
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