A little bit of an update and another step forward. However, cutter, you've stolen my thunder
I'm really really tired today. Only had a few hours sleep last night so this may be affecting me.
Went for lunch today with D's mum. They went into the place to get a table, I went to the ATM to get some money. When I came back I spotted them and we all sat down. Just at the other side of the wall where we sat I spotted W's friend who appeared to be leaving in a hurry. I stuck my head around the wall to make sure it was here and low and behold there is W and OM sitting less than 5 feet from us.
W's friend (this is the same friend I spoke to on Xmas Eve) made a comment about her shoes and the weather and said she had to go. I said goodbye. Within a minute W and OM had also left.
Three things about all of this were noticeable (and I'm not reading anything into them, just I noticed them). D said that W looked at her when she sat down, smiled a little and then looked abruptly away. When I poked my head around the wall and saw W she had a big smile on her face. Not sure what it was for. Just noticed it.
The third thing I noticed, and it wasn't until she actually left that I noticed this is that when I saw her I felt nothing. Not a thing. No twinge in my stomach. Not pull at the heart strings. No floods of emotions. Absolutely nothing at all. It was as if I was staring at a stranger. I did make a couple of statements about how happy adultery clearly makes you and about him being a &*^&^ (expletive obviously removed) but they didn't hear them. It was anger and hurt coming out from those statements - that somebody you had been with for 7 years can drop you like a stone in a few short months and move on so quickly - that kind of hurt.
I've been over and over this last bit in my head trying to think that maybe I didn't immediately register it was her so I felt nothing or maybe I was just angry so I felt nothing. Maybe I was just put on the spot. No idea. I know I felt nothing at all. I didn't feel the urge to leave. I didn't feel the urge to ask her to leave. I didn't feel the urge to do anything but get on with chatting away and getting my lunch.
She probably thinks that D's mum and I are back together again. This was one of the things I was keen to avoid people saying (although they have been asking, including her friend I spoke to on Xmas Eve - thinking back she did ask a lot of questions which really isn't like her - it felt a little like she was mining for info - anyway). When W saw me and D's mum today I just couldn't care less. There was no guilt. No emotion. No worry. I just didn't have it within me to care.
However, I now feel really low and I'm just not sure why. I feel a sadness again. Sense of loss. But it's different, I think, this time. It feels like something has gone. Died maybe. Not like when we first separated. This time it just feels different. An acceptance maybe? I really don't know. As I said at the start I am really tired so a lot of it may be down to that.
I'm still not ready for the Big D. I still don't have my separation agreement and I have a nagging feeling that I'm not going to get it. The clock is ticking. Feb 2 (I'm away Feb 1) the house goes on the market to be sold if I don't get the agreement. It's a little worrying as time is getting closer and closer to that date. However I am feeling more and more hate for this house and less and less urge to stay in it. I will probably sell it anyway when the time is right for me.
So here I am. Really teary, low, upset and with little idea of why. Maybe a good nights sleep will help me figure it out.
However I think I am done. I will sleep on these feelings a little while before I decide for sure.
Sad. Really really sad.
I was catching up on Cutter's thread over in Newcomers when I found this - just really puts things into perspective.
Beatles - I'm looking through you
I'm looking through you, where did you go I thought I knew you, what did I know You don't look different, but you have changed I'm looking through you, you're not the same
Your lips are moving, I cannot hear Your voice is soothing, but the words aren't clear You don't sound different, I've learned the game. I'm looking through you, you're not the same
Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right? Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight
You're thinking of me, the same old way You were above me, but not today The only difference is you're down there I'm looking through you, and you're nowhere
Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right? Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight
I'm looking through you, where did you go I thought I knew you, what did I know You don't look different, but you have changed I'm looking through you, you're not the same
Yeah! Oh baby you changed! Aah! I'm looking through you! Yeah! I'm looking through you! You changed, you changed, you changed!
My final thoughts are these - have I know truly dropped the rope on her OR have I truly dropped the rope on the M and given up? I don't have answer - what does everybody else think?
Last edited by P17; 01/05/1012:46 AM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
