Looking for my new normal

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Bunny)))))
I can't imagine what you are going through. It's taken a lot of courage to get this far, and I know you are going to make it!

[givingitmyall]

Hang in there Bunny. You really are doing great.

[Gardener]

Bunny,

I called with the additional detail. She called back within an hour and we had a 20 minute or so phone session which should tide me over until next Thursday. It went well, I told her everything, all the details. She was afraid of something like this happening. She also said the same thing you all said, I need to treat this like an addiction, and that I'm doing what's in a weird way "normal" and familiar for me. I have to learn new behaviors to break the cycle and start making new connections in my brain, namely that I don't need to sleep with anyone to feel validated or receive approval or love. Now that I've told her, I'm accountable to someone IRL, and she's my sponsor and I call her when I start feeling drawn to this stuff again. And she agreed- H did a bigger number on my mind than we gave him credit BLAME for originally.

I decided I'm not filing any reports- I don't know the guy's last name or anything, so it wouldn't do much good, and big city PD isn't going to be very active in a date-rape type scenario anyways. So I'm letting it go legally, the bigger issue for me is to figure out how I got myself into that situation and to process the emotions that go with it.

On a positive note- dance class starts tomorrow!

All of this is good!
And since those "lifestyle" predaators will still be crawling out of the woodwork, why don't you buy some mace/pepper spray or one of those non-professional taser-type things?

[SDFoundGirl]

Bunny,

I just wanted to tell you what a rock star you are! You can't see it yet, but someday you will. Someday you'll look back at everything you've written, everything you've gone through, and you will see what all the rest of us see.

You are one of the strongest, bravest women I've ever known. I can't wait until you see that for yourself!

SD

[iwantittowork]

Bunny, I am tearing up reading your posts.

Yes, you already found out, that your IC will respond in emergency, and I am glad you took the initiative, and kept at it until you got a response.

You deserve it, and your IC does know that! You call her whenever you want.

I will send you my personal cell phone number to call if you want or need someone to talk to. Just say the word.

You are that important, and that important to you! You have come a long way already, and you are doing so well!

Have fun at Dance class girl!

[Gardener]

Hang in there, Bunny. You are doing great and are a true inspiration!

[SpyBunny]

Thank you for the all the encouragement- You are so dear to me, my friends! I tried to post last night to say that but fell asleep in the middle of typing- closed my eyes for a sec and I was out! I've been really tired this week.

I'm still trying to understand why everybody has posted what they did because when I look at my situation, I don't see anything remarkable. I'm wondering if I over-reacted this summer by focusing so much on H wanting us to be a swingers. He kept saying that was a minor issue for him because he said he had other more pressing concerns about our M (meaning me), but for me- it was HUGE, even if it wasn't often. I know he would have liked more. But he never held a gun to my head- "do it or else...", he wasn't violent, he didn't beat me, he didn't withhold financial support, and I don't know what my point is here, other than it wasn't a big deal compared to others who really had it bad...

I was a bit shocked this weekend at some of my own posts regarding recent events/revelations and that carried over into Monday and me wanting to get hold of my IC, and now I'm wondering why I felt like I needed to. Honestly, now I don't know why I thought it was so important, because looking back, I'm thinking that maybe it could have waited because I'm not upset about anything, or mad, or whatever- at H or the guy who got out of hand, I don't feel anything. So it must have not been a big deal if I'm not screaming, crying, punching pillows, etc, right? I read about others here getting so upset and depressed sometimes. I haven't had a real good cry since I left- just the occasional teary-eyed moments at the beginning and those are pretty much gone now. My worst moments of teary eyes were this fall in the lead-up, and those weren't big bouts of crying either. So, like I said, nothing remarkable...

I'm really tired (it's been hard for me to sleep) and I'm rambling, I'm not sure if any of that made sense...

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Bunny)))))
My opinion....
Just because you've become numb to something doesn't make it right. I think you aren't feeling upset and angry because you've been suppressing the feelings for so long that they just don't come.

You say the swinging wasn't a big deal to your H, then one of the first things he does is give you a camera, and encourage you so use it, shall we say, inappropriately. Do you see the inconsistency? To survive, you've deadened your emotions. For a few days there, you were feeling them, and they were real! Bunny, you were at the least seriously disrespected, if not raped by that other guy. That was real, too.

Don't try to minimize things. They've been real, and they are still affecting you!

[Virtually_Handsome]

Oh, the lack of sleep is another clue of how real the bad things are. Your body knows.

[motherof3]

Bunny,

Just because you are not screaming, crying, and showing anger doesn't me that you are less affected by the circumstances of your sitch.

I agree with Jeff. Your body is trying to tell you something. Listen to it. Try and rest up. Take care of you.

Mo3