how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

Happy New Year, all.

I made it through all the way to 11:57 mountain time; called a friend back home Eastern time who was celebrating at the local watering hole.

8 year old nephew stayed up; we were watching Animal Planet.

My sister brilliantly suggests we watch the ball come down. I said no, please, then agreed to the last few minutes.

Fell apart as the camera showed all the happy kissing couples.

Pulled it together to say Happy NY to the nephew and congratulate him on staying up so late.

Sobbed again, then went out for a walk.

It is a brilliant full moon out, there, just barely cold enough; the moonlight reflecting off the snow was dazzling.

And--I finally found my anger. Given that I am known for having a short temper and prone to angry fits about whatever, it has been very strange that I have not felt anger to my X this whole time. I have only felt remorse and regret for all the things I didn't do.

I didn't have anything to break, tear, or smash, so I just beat the towel I had brought along to cry into against the road. And cursed him soundly and roundly. Finally felt the justifiable anger that is my right.

I know anger is part of the healing process, so I was hoping it would come eventually!

I hope finding this emotion moves me along the path of healing and detachment. Add in a good run in the morning, and I will feel better.

Thanks for listening--I hope you are all sleeping peacefully and wake to a better day in the morning.

[chatterbug]

actually i shed a few tears through out the years.

Once when I was 20 and a best friend died.

Once when Ray Bourque raised the cup... Yea sad.

When my cat died in March....

Thats it until ...


Anyways. I thanked you at midnight. I said all the names out loud. Got a few strange looks. Then I said. Its my support group. The people who are going through the same thing I am.

A few people cried tonight and hugged me. It was kind of bizzare.

The whole night I felt I was missing something thing. And one time I was just standing there and said. Stupid Bitch. And everyone just looked at me and said. its ok cutter.

And that was that. But one point a few people brought the whole thing up and started to insult her. And I said that they should stop. As there was other people in the room who did not know what was going on. And I was rather embarrased. But I made sure that the insults stopped.

Its my burden. Not theirs.

[hhh]

Hi Avermont,
Just wanted to stop in and say hello and wish you well in this new year...I know 2009 hasbeen a tough year for most of us, and hoping that the new decade brings new things. I read something on someone else's post awhile ago that was so powerful: The past is the past, the future is unknown, there is only the present, stay in the present. We're here for you.
-hhh

[rockedworld]

Aver,
I'm so glad you've gotten in touch with your anger! It will help propel you thru the healing process if you can find healthy outlets for it .... At least that's what my IC says...

I will rant in my car sometimes when I'm alone.... just get it out and then I feel better. I've done similar things to you when going for walks... once beating on a tree with a stick til I felt better...

We have every right in the world to be angry! What they did to us was wrong in every way! Feel it, own it... but don't wallow in it or get stuck in it. My IC says that often turns into depression...

Hope you do get a good run in today and the day, the year, the new decade begins to look brighter for you!

[avermont]

Thanks, Rocked.

I know intellectually I have the right to be angry. It was just so weird NOT feeling angry.

I do need to feed the anger for a little bit to keep it sparking. Today was back to more sadness than anger.

I won't overfeed it,wallow, or get lost in it. But I do have to find it--then smash a few things--or else I won't move thru this process.

I'll talk with my IC about it, to find good ways to bring it forward and move through it. Odd to have trouble finding the emotion that is usually right at hand!

Thanks--

[avermont]

It sounds like you handled it beautifully, cutter. Very gracious and taking the high ground to stop the insults.

I don't think it is bizarre at all that some friends cried with you and hugged you. They are your friends.

I hope you had a good day today.

[rockedworld]

Good plan.
How are you doing?

[avermont]

Today is day 2 of endless travel. Should be home before midnite.
I'm doing OK. Not angry; feel like crying when I get home. (you would too after a week with my sister!)

I'll see my C tomorrow and ask for more relaxation exercises. And talk about anger.

Thanks for checking in!

[Ready2Change]

HUGS

[chatterbug]

Hi Aver. Please take a few minutes to catch up with me.

I await your posts tomorrow and will catch up with you.

Thankyou very much for putting up with me

I do hope you find some peace. I wanna see strong aver.