Dusk at Dawn.

[chatterbug]

Today Newmama I think I really felt like I completely dropped the rope. I took SIL to the hospital. Nephew was with me. And him and I talked about ladybug and her life. And I just thought. I am completely done. This woman does not even deserve the chance to even talk to me ever again. All I could think during the conversation was. Why would I ever want to get back with this person. Sure we have history. But seriously why? I see no benifit at all. Then on the ride home. SIL was telling me that ladybug cannot contact me and was wondering if I was going to talk to her about tieing up lose ends. And that she blew up about me not giving her a dvd or something like that. I replied. The day she commited adultery was the day I stopped doing what she asked or demanded. I am not at her beck and call. I am not her parent. Thats what doucebag is for. If she really wanted this dvd or what ever next it after that she can go spend the 10 dollars and buy a new copy. Or she could have moved all her crap out back in Sept. Oct. Or she can have her dad come over and pick all the crap up. As to the rest. She can send me or IM the piece of paper to transfer the 401k stuff and the house goes for sale April 1st. We talked about all this back in August and Sept.

Then I said. You know what. She didn't keep to any of the other promises or papers we signed. But she will keep to those conversations. And if she does not like it she can do the effort to sell the house. This is on my terms now. And I do not waste my breathe on anyone who does not respect me as a human being. She treats me worse than a dog. I am completely done with her and her BS. Maybe she should figure out why she needs to contact me every two weeks about some BS item.

I said this fully knowing it would be said verbatim back to her.

I really am starting to feel that this is truely not worth the effort.

I am patient. But the love... I did not feel it at all today. Not one bit. Normally when I speak of her. I feel something. Today it was just F-it. I do not want to ever have her as friend. I truly do not believe we could ever be lovers again. So where does this leave me?

I know I have always said April was the time line to keep the door ajar. But I am struggling to keep to this time line. Everyday more and more of me just wants to close it completely.

I am sick and tired of thinking about it all the time. 7 months of thinking about this all the time.

I know I say parallel paths. And I have followed it. But, today I just got so frustrated. If we did not have this wedding coming up. I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing her again. Its not hate. Its indifference. And this is the first time I have felt this complete indifference.

Sorry about the rant. I am just processing all this. And I will see how my thoughts are in a week. But its the start of a different feeling. Just not sure exactly what it is.