S13, that is as strong, centered and thoughtful "I'm done" post as I think I have ever read on here. You're READY, you are now EQUIPPED, and we will support you however you need us to.
It does not make us anti-marriage to be pro-self-defense. Even Jesus Himself knew when to throw over the moneychangers' tables.
It has been almost 11 months since this journey started out.
11 months of heartache and tears.
Devastation and fears.
Anger and resentment have given way to a little peace and contentment.
Cake-eating, projection, blame-shifting, re-writing of marital history, demonizing me, financial ruin, children hurt, loss of self-esteem, loss of self-respect, ego deflated, more self-injury then I care to look back on, scared to move forward, can't move backwards, terrified of being stuck, confusion, disrespect, you name it and I have probably felt it.
I came here to DB in June - A little over 7 months ago...
I have found a wonderful community of people...
People in the same position as me, who while in their pain, choose to help others instead of partaking in their own pity parties.
I choose to be one of them.
I thought a lot last night over the last 11 months...
I thought a lot of the advice and wisdom given to me here as well as from my Pastor...
I thought about the "out" he speaks of...
I thought about my beliefs and whether I needed to adjust them...
The answer is yes I do and yes I have.
I still don't believe in divorce however I also don't believe in being abused and what my H has done to me and our boys is abuse no matter how you look at it.
It is emotional and mental abuse and now we can add financial abuse.
After a long night of thinking and praying and searching, I have come to the conclusion (98% - since I need to talk to my Pastor once again) that I am filing for a divorce.
I am no martyr nor do I want to be.
I have put up with an awful lot in the past year and my trials, troubles and tribulations have given me a strength I never knew I had, patience I never wanted and clarity I have been looking for.
I have increased my Faith like never before and now it is time for my new beginning.
I am no longer looking for that with my H - He may wake up one day and realize what he has done however I am now done.
People kept telling me I would reach a breaking point and I stood firm, a little piece of me still in disbelief that this is the man I married, but to take from our kids is not something I can allow.
I took my rings off this morning & I removed the suffocating guilt I wear around my neck, I looked to the sky and asked for a little more strength for the days ahead.
As for my beliefs, I still believe in love, I still believe in hope, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in having honor in all you do, value for yourself above all else, morals you can live with each and everyday...
I believe everyone should live with beliefs, common decency, ethics, goodness, honesty, honor, integrity, principles, standards & values.
I am learning to believe in myself again and I have learned that unconditional love is the most painful love there is.
I will continue to forgive and I will continue to look forward. I never wanted to live in the past and my H seems to think the past is better then the future. My present and my future are a million times better then my past and I chose to no longer look back.
My blessings are out there somewhere and I am going to find them...
Today I no longer settle for silver - Today I am looking for gold.
Will it be easy?
I doubt it but life was never promised to be easy...
Will there be tears along the way? -
Absolutely, but tears are a way to cleanse your soul.
Will I falter along the way?
That is a given however I have Him to pick me up and set me right again.
I will never be alone.
I will never be a doormat again to anyone on the face of this earth.
I will never walk on eggshells for anyone at anytime.
I will never allow a man to take so much from me again.
I will learn that I am worthy - And anyone who comes around is lucky to know me.
I will learn to nurture my self-respect and self-esteem and never allow someone else to do it for me.
I will continue to come here because I just love all you guys and if it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here right now.
I'd be seriously worried about you if you weren't.
Someone called me "courageous" at one point during my sitch. Or maybe it was "brave" -- can't remember. I disagreed with them, and told them I was terrified. He told me "Courage is when you are completely terrified . . . and press on with what you have to do nonetheless."
I thought once I made the decision & felt the peace, then my emotions would return to normal but I feel like I did back on day one with them swirling all over the place.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Gardener~ You broke me last night my friend - Never have you been harsh to me and while they were loving, damn if you didn't give me a lot of 2x4's lol... Your words hurt to read and hurt even more to implement... I had to "re-think what He wants for me and not what I must do for Him". Your words - Such truth in that one sentence. What He wants for me - I should have that tattooed somewhere.
I am honored and humbled by that. And honored to call you my friend. Love,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
