It has been almost 11 months since this journey started out.
11 months of heartache and tears.
Devastation and fears.
Anger and resentment have given way to a little peace and contentment.
Cake-eating, projection, blame-shifting, re-writing of marital history, demonizing me, financial ruin, children hurt, loss of self-esteem, loss of self-respect, ego deflated, more self-injury then I care to look back on, scared to move forward, can't move backwards, terrified of being stuck, confusion, disrespect, you name it and I have probably felt it.
I came here to DB in June - A little over 7 months ago...
I have found a wonderful community of people...
People in the same position as me, who while in their pain, choose to help others instead of partaking in their own pity parties.
I choose to be one of them.
I thought a lot last night over the last 11 months...
I thought a lot of the advice and wisdom given to me here as well as from my Pastor...
I thought about the "out" he speaks of...
I thought about my beliefs and whether I needed to adjust them...
The answer is yes I do and yes I have.
I still don't believe in divorce however I also don't believe in being abused and what my H has done to me and our boys is abuse no matter how you look at it.
It is emotional and mental abuse and now we can add financial abuse.
After a long night of thinking and praying and searching, I have come to the conclusion (98% - since I need to talk to my Pastor once again) that I am filing for a divorce.
I am no martyr nor do I want to be.
I have put up with an awful lot in the past year and my trials, troubles and tribulations have given me a strength I never knew I had, patience I never wanted and clarity I have been looking for.
I have increased my Faith like never before and now it is time for my new beginning.
I am no longer looking for that with my H - He may wake up one day and realize what he has done however I am now done.
People kept telling me I would reach a breaking point and I stood firm, a little piece of me still in disbelief that this is the man I married, but to take from our kids is not something I can allow.
I took my rings off this morning & I removed the suffocating guilt I wear around my neck, I looked to the sky and asked for a little more strength for the days ahead.
As for my beliefs, I still believe in love, I still believe in hope, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in having honor in all you do, value for yourself above all else, morals you can live with each and everyday...
I believe everyone should live with beliefs, common decency, ethics, goodness, honesty, honor, integrity, principles, standards & values.
I am learning to believe in myself again and I have learned that unconditional love is the most painful love there is.
I will continue to forgive and I will continue to look forward. I never wanted to live in the past and my H seems to think the past is better then the future. My present and my future are a million times better then my past and I chose to no longer look back.
My blessings are out there somewhere and I am going to find them...
Today I no longer settle for silver - Today I am looking for gold.
Will it be easy?
I doubt it but life was never promised to be easy...
Will there be tears along the way? -
Absolutely, but tears are a way to cleanse your soul.
Will I falter along the way?
That is a given however I have Him to pick me up and set me right again.
I will never be alone.
I will never be a doormat again to anyone on the face of this earth.
I will never walk on eggshells for anyone at anytime.
I will never allow a man to take so much from me again.
I will learn that I am worthy - And anyone who comes around is lucky to know me.
I will learn to nurture my self-respect and self-esteem and never allow someone else to do it for me.
I will continue to come here because I just love all you guys and if it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here right now.
