Some off the cuff not intended for anything thoughts..
Divorce is not fair for most of us. Divorces are obtained too easily against most of us. Divorces are not our choice. Only rarely will a departing spouse alert us of their disappointment and consent to actual marriage counseling. Divorce occurs years before the action is taken by the departing spouse.
At the root usually is severe discontent and 'go along, get along' on either or both sides. Even dysfunction on one or both sides.
One person doesn't make a marriage. And one person does not take the total blame for a divorce. I never could imagine, much less take actions, assertive moves to waylay an affair by my former spouse. I didn't want to see, know, or hear.. a triple monkey. I would never risk a cohesive family to address an increasingly isolated and twisted existence in my relationship.
So when I hear diatribes about punishment and divorce, I roll my eyes. No one wins at divorce. Saying it's unfair doesn't fix the wounds.
A divorce financial bonus is the offshoot of men leaving their wives of umpteen years who ended up penniless and unable to support themselves, and usually with their kids in tow. It was meant to protect the less employable.
I am not a perfect person, but I am a good mother. I don't worry about my role being watered down or too strong. It takes a village to raise a child. Children need both parents. In today's day and age most children have multiple role models who treat each charge differently.
And other people will be more important than their parents at times as the kids grow up. I begged our cleaning lady to be my mother, to let me move in with them. The former spouse doesn't like me, and I don't think highly of the former spouse all that much, either. I am disappointed that our kids don't have parents who talk to each other. So instead of focusing on what he did that was hurtful, I see what he does that is right. He pays what he's supposed to exactly when it's due. He maintains some type of relationship with his kids. He does the best job he knows how to. And I am willing to make the effort not to be at odds with him.
It's not so bad to have a different attitude and a more forgiving one. Crap happens in life. Fairy tales can fracture. And it's a choice to be victimized or stride forward, aware of the injustice but being the best person you know how and are learning how to be.
I never would have chosen this turn in my life. But based on my present actions, I have not hurt my children. They are all flourishing doing better than ever in their lives. And I chose the high road which I tripped, stumbled and bloodied myself striving toward. And I'm not there yet.
