Hello--I admire you for trying one more time and it is a shame he is such a coward that he could not tell you his true situation. When you made that brave motion you allowed yourself some vulnerability and it hurt to learn that he was still the same person. He literally left everything behind, honey I know that feeling and it was after 24 years.
You sound very, extremely depressed. The guilties tell it all. His behavior is all about him and nothing to do with you. And just why would you think he is being nice to the new woman? And why would you want an abusive man back in your life? He was being abusive by lying to you besides. Passive aggressive. Bad news in a partner.
You would do well with a good clinical PhD psychologist who can help you see that you matter. Life may be hard sometimes without a man in your life, but it is much harder to deal with inappropriate guilt when you have done nothing wrong. You are doing a good thing by expressing your feelings here. Honor those feelings, pour them out, and stay strong. I never got answers as to why my x left me, see they do not want to tell because then you might offer a way to fix it and that is not what they want. And yes it could be a personality disorder but that's not the point. There are many mysteries in life, we can all ask why me God, and we will never know. It is not what happens but how we handle it. And it is not an easy path, better to learn sooner than later, that's my story and I am sticking to it:) Good luck, take a hot bath, and get some sleep. And eat. Those things will help you. Cheers, Wonder
I think the reason he did this kind of stuff is he's a lying, cheating a$$. Maybe there are some deep psychological reasons for his behavior, but that's really his problem to deal with or not, and not for you to worry/think about.
You need to realize that he's the loser, in every sense of the word. You now have the chance to move forward and have an R with someone more emotionally healthy and loving.
I do think sometimes our families influence us. I don't say that as any kind of defense, or anything, just that I've noticed that people who have lots of divorce in their family maybe come to see divorce as a quick solution to dealing with marriage problems, which come in every marriage. My X's siblings have all had several marriages already, and they're in their 40's. I do intend if I ever get in a serious R again to spend a lot of time meeting that person's family, parents, siblings, kids. I didn't think of stuff like that when I was young!!!
Exactly how I feel everyone says move on. He did - he's already married to someone else. And I can't seem to. I feel so lonely and disillusioned. Any suggestions on what to read?
Been there and done that. I have asked all those same questions to a person who sounds much like your ex. You will never know the answers and eventually you will stop caring. As my mother said about my ex " he is not a nice person." Simple, but so true. Kind people don't do what your ex did. Normal people don't do what your ex did. It takes many years of being raised in a screwed up family life to become such a screwed up individual. I am sure your ex was damaged many, many years before you guys hooked up. Such disregard for you, awful, but possibly forgiveable with work and time. The disregard for your daughter unforgivable. Don't ask GOD why you. Thank GOD for opening your eyes. Be glad that he did not have the chance to screw your daughter up the way he was screwed up by somebody. Hopefully, you are getting a nice sum for child support. Use that money to make a wonderful life for your daughter. Don't give this man any other space in your brain. Get some help professionally if you feel like you need to, but please, please don't give a damn about someone who didn't give a damn about you. Get up, brush the dirt off your shoulders, and count your blessings he left. Phew, that was a close one, but you made it out with your mind in tact. Be glad, not sad.
Thanks so much for the responses... I appreciate them tremendously. I wake up so depressed every morning. Am so tired of feeling this way. I just want to feel normal again. I want to wake up without having to convince myself I need to. Sometimes I feel like if it wasn't for my D7 needing me I wouldn't want to bother anymore. And it's in waves somedays I am fine and others I am so down.
I think a conversation last night I had with a friend also made me feel down. After my divorce I'm having a hard time dating. I am attractive etc so I have men that pursue me but then they end up losing interest. I get the she's very high-maintainence thing a lot. I think my H leaving me the way he did caused me tremendous insecurity and it's affecting my dating life too.
I'm starting to feel like I really need to forget about dating or finding a partner. I'm so torn about this. I really miss being married. I loved being married and having a family. So that really is the only thing I feel that's going to make me happy again. But at the same time sometimes I feel so damaged and so insecure I don't know if I am ever going to find someone who's going to be able to love me enough to deal with all my emotional baggage. The last too guys I dated didn't want to deal with it and both weren't interested. Needless to say I think they had they're own issues too.
hope2wrkitout - I really like what you wrote. "he is not a nice person" that's what it boils down to - doesn't it. Sometimes the simpliest concepts are the hardest to grasp.
Your destiny is not tied to anyone who can walk away from you. Maybe you shouldn't be so concerned with dating for right now. Get happy with yourself, and get happy with being alone. Others are not responsible for your happiness...you are. You gotta bring something to the table stillalone. Right now, your insecurity sticks out like a sore thumb...and that's not attractive to others. Don't rush it, and don't look to others for your happiness. All of have felt what you're feeling...and lots of us still are. I think a huge step is learning to love ourselves unconditionally...and I mean deeply. Remember, the Golden Rule is based upon the premise that we love ourselves.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks antlers, you are so right. I do harbor a lot of feelings of insecurity probably feelings I had before the marriage and ones that got magnified by being with a verbally and emotionally abusive man. So now I find myself with even more issues to deal with. And like you say, the only way to deal with them is by myself. Is by learning to be happy - really happy ( and there's a big difference to looking happy and really being happy) by myself - just me and my daughter. I'm afraid that might take years and then I'll be too old to find a partner and because of all the pain inflicted by my xH I'll have spent most of the best years of my life trying to fix myself. I've spent all my thirties - met him on my 30th bday and just celebrated my 40th - wasted on him - sucks!!!
I don't want to spend the next decade undoing everything done to me - he moved on in a few months - if that even. But it just shows how little emotional investment he had in us.
Stillalone, I spent a over 20 years with my X, had 4 kids, and he walked away and married the OW 14 days after we divorced. Do I consider it time wasted? No, because I came out of it with 4 beautiful children. How can I regret it when I have them because of the relationship. I spent some time mourning the loss of my family, then I realized that I am still a family with my kids. You also have a family, your daughter. Celebrate what you have as you move out of mourning what you feel you lost. Over time I came to realize that the relationship I was mourning never really existed. I was mourning an idealized version of my marriage. It sounds like you may be stuck in that phase also. Take time to evaluate what you had then and what you have now, and learn to rejoice in the now. Live in the present, you will find happiness.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I have an appointment with a couselor today. I went to him once before. It was a good session. He made me feel better basically saying I should be happy to be out of the marriage because my XH seemed to have a personality disorder and I seemed to be exhibiting signs of being a battered wife. I was never physically battered by the way. But he was very cruel to me.
I wish I could forget the past. Even this morning I wake up thinking over and over how could this have happened. That I have no future. That I'll never be happy again... Just really negative things. And I pray and pray that I will just be able to be more positive.
I think the fact that I live in a very small place makes things tough. All my friends are married. All are building their lives with their partners. Having children, building their dream homes and at 40 I just don't even know what's going to happen to me.
I am so afraid... But I need to be strong and I need to move on and I need to just be positive. I just have the tendency to look at the glass half empty rather than half full.
