WAW, live under same roof, and still have sexes.

[tangotake2]

Thanks, Deep for dropping by and offering support/comments. I have come across your sitch by the way and will pay more attention to it. Because I have read too many threads, names can be popped out but don't remember the sitches' details.

I gotta ask, what exactly have you been doing / thinking

To be honest, I'm still confused about what exactly I'm thinking.

I believe though my two priorities now are claiming my dignity back and busting the A.

I'm listening to the advices and to put in place a plan. Regarding busting the A. I plan to expose the OM. I'll file a complain with the state/county bar associations - waiting to hear from my L about a private detective. I'll contact his mother and ex-W to tell them his improper action.

Regarding claiming my dignity back, I have not done something that could make this accomplishes I guess. I just set up a boundary to let W knowing that it's unacceptable to bring our kids when she sees OM.

I need some helps how to do more about this because it should be now more than ever.

What were you thinking in then extending that into justification, for YOURSELF no less, that it's ok for your W to have an A? Are you crazy?

It's not OK to have an A. My goal when talking to a DB coach that to work on M. Therefore, I was working to create a friendship relationship w/ W and working on myself. Let the A takes its path and fight back the timming is right. However,IMHO, it doesn't look like this is my priority now.

You didn't set a boundary right at the start.

You're absolutely right. I was weak, fear, and stupid, and made many mistakes.

What IS this crap about not going so low as to "snoop" on her?

Hiring a private detective is snooping her. Back then, I thought I don't feel like doing it. Now, if I need to build my case to file a complain, I need to have a proof. I also plan to buy an active-voice-recorder for the purposes.

I have not checked her texts and e-mails for a couple of month because I don't think it's important now. the A is there. I need to work on more important stuff such as GALs, self-confident, physically and mentally in shape.

...stop assuming it is "just EA".

It was a misconception on my part about EA and A. I got it now.

...having a PI now is assembling your weapons of war - what war are you going to wage?

Please see above. OM cannot walk out free on this. He should pay a price to screw up my family. What else can I take to make his life miserable, please let me know.

Boundaries and consequences, set them clearly. With regards to OM and you firstly, then with regards to the kids. It's ridiculous the way she flaunts them with OM. I would throw just about all inhibitions out the window where the kids are concerned, be nasty in the consequences if you have to. I would even go so far as to consider making it clear that you will explain in excruciating detail to the kids why it is wrong what she is doing.

I have told her not to do it again, otherwise, I do my best to not exposing my kids to OM and whoever is associated with him. I'm thinking to file a court paper (I forget what it is) stopping or not allowing someone to have a contact with my kids. I have not checked with my L about this. I talked to him this morning but didn't ask him.

I'm thinking to tell my D9 about OM. I think I should force W to tell D9 that instead of me. I'm reluctant because of hurting her kind of thing.

I'm going to have a conversation with W today or tomorrow about kids, school, co-parenting time. She texted me two days ago if I don't move out, she will move out with the kids(I checked with L. She will have a problem later on in a custody fight). I have not responded back to her. Do you think when we have a conversation should I tell her about boundary #1? If she wants to move out, go ahead because I don't allow such behavior in my house.

I was about to give her a 2-week notice, but Sandi said timming is not right and waiting for more responses. However, now if W mentioned about her moving out, I think I should tell her to move out.

What do you think?

I read a few threads where I was tempted to post my thoughts that actions towards a WAS should follow these guidelines:

- Consequences should be as severe / serious as the sitch calls for. Whatever it takes to bust the A, maintain non-negotiable boundaries etc.

- Never, ever, let your self-respect be destroyed. Be flexible, kind, understanding, sacrificing as need be, but never allow wanton disrespect and abuse to be heaped on you or the kids (if any).

- Never, ever do anything out of spite, meanness, desire for revenge, justice, getting your own back, selfishly making yourself feel better.

- As long as it is being done to save your M, never NOT do anything out of fear, be it fear of consequences for your Spouse's reactions, fear of D, fear of indifference, fear of being judged.

I read these guidelines word by word. I don't think it's never to late to act upon it.

...Drop OM and you can talk...

I have not included OM into my thoughts how to deal with M and A. Don't know that's what you mean. Please clarify.

Thanks again. Look forward for seeing your comments. I do need helps to straight my thinking.