My story, what to do next.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Digger,

Sorry you are going through this. Glad you found this great site for support.


PDT is very wise and is giving you advise that has the greatest odds of working. What works is counter-intuitive. Read his post very slowly again:

You need to move back into your own home immediately -- into your own bedroom, and into your own bed.

I strongly recommend that you do this today. Every day you wait has a higher cost.

If she is uncomfortable with that, then SHE can move out (altho tell her she is perfectly welcome to stay).

I strongly suggest to be prepared to respond calmly when W reacts with anger. Calmly say "I have decide to sleep in my own bed."

It is critical to listen and validate. Calmly be a broken record: "I can understand why you would feel that way", "I must be hard to feel that way", and "I am sorry you feel that way". Focus on remembering everything she says, then post it here.

Of all of the controversial topics around here (exposure, "snooping," etc.), this is one that always gets near-100% consensus: DON'T MOVE OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME.

It also has potential legal consequences, as she could get you for "abandonment." If you haven't already, you should contact a good family law attorney, preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues, and get at least an initial consultation to better understand your rights and responsibilities in your state.

I agree. One caution: My lawyer advised "GTF out of the house". Against his advise, I stayed in the house until I had a 50/50 parenting agreement in place.

NO, you should not be doing her little "honey-do" lists when you come over. She has chosen to run away from your marriage, and you are not there to be her personal handyman. If there's something that affects the kids' safety or something, or if THEY ask you to do something, then sure, but otherwise, no. Women tie their feelings of "love" VERY closely with their feelings of RESPECT, and right now, she doesn't respect you and doing things like that for her are only going to make it worse.

This is probably exacerbated by you being out of work right now.

If she asks you why you didn't do the things on her list, tell her you didn't want to, and you were busy doing thus-and-such (watching a movie, etc. -- preferably something with the kids).

And do this as short and sweet as possible : "I did not want to." No other explanation. Then listen and validate.

If she pushes you, you may want to say "I'm not the one who's trying to end our marriage here, and frankly I've decided that I no longer want to do "husband" things for you if you don't want me to be your husband. I have too much respect for myself to do that."

beautify response.

Have you checked to see if there is OM? Sure has some of the warning signs.

btw, I told my wife -- after several references by her to the same "I want to be best friends" thing -- that if our marriage ended this way (by her cutting and running, having an affair, and refusing marriage counseling), that I had no intention of being her friend, much less her best friend. This had a very dramatic effect on her, and she told me later when we reconciled that missing my FRIENDSHIP was a huge part of her decision to come back to the marriage.

I would strongly suggest that you become skeptical of everything you believe. The WAS all follow the same "Script" when they have been seduced by OP. If you are strong enough to handle "The truth" right now, I believe it is important to do some snooping. I did not follow this advise and am now D. PDT did follow this advise and is reconciled. Face the ugly truth and do what works. Do the right thing.