Not Me...Ever part 2

[Puppy Dog Tails]

(((Tulsa)))

It is always nice to see a new face on my thread...

How about an old one?

(((((hugs)))))

Puppy

[Serenity13]

((((Puppy))))

You will always own a special little corner in my heart and I am always thrilled to see you on my thread.

[Serenity13]

Journal~Long

It has been almost 11 months since this journey started out.

11 months of heartache and tears.

Devastation and fears.

Anger and resentment have given way to a little peace and contentment.

Cake-eating, projection, blame-shifting, re-writing of marital history, demonizing me, financial ruin, children hurt, loss of self-esteem, loss of self-respect, ego deflated, more self-injury then I care to look back on, scared to move forward, can't move backwards, terrified of being stuck, confusion, disrespect, you name it and I have probably felt it.

I came here to DB in June - A little over 7 months ago...

I have found a wonderful community of people...

People in the same position as me, who while in their pain, choose to help others instead of partaking in their own pity parties.

I choose to be one of them.

I thought a lot last night over the last 11 months...

I thought a lot of the advice and wisdom given to me here as well as from my Pastor...

I thought about the "out" he speaks of...

I thought about my beliefs and whether I needed to adjust them...

The answer is yes I do and yes I have.

I still don't believe in divorce however I also don't believe in being abused and what my H has done to me and our boys is abuse no matter how you look at it.

It is emotional and mental abuse and now we can add financial abuse.

After a long night of thinking and praying and searching, I have come to the conclusion (98% - since I need to talk to my Pastor once again) that I am filing for a divorce.

I am no martyr nor do I want to be.

I have put up with an awful lot in the past year and my trials, troubles and tribulations have given me a strength I never knew I had, patience I never wanted and clarity I have been looking for.

I have increased my Faith like never before and now it is time for my new beginning.

I am no longer looking for that with my H - He may wake up one day and realize what he has done however I am now done.

People kept telling me I would reach a breaking point and I stood firm, a little piece of me still in disbelief that this is the man I married, but to take from our kids is not something I can allow.

I took my rings off this morning & I removed the suffocating guilt I wear around my neck, I looked to the sky and asked for a little more strength for the days ahead.

As for my beliefs, I still believe in love, I still believe in hope, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in having honor in all you do, value for yourself above all else, morals you can live with each and everyday...

I believe everyone should live with beliefs, common decency, ethics, goodness, honesty, honor, integrity, principles, standards & values.

I am learning to believe in myself again and I have learned that unconditional love is the most painful love there is.

I will continue to forgive and I will continue to look forward. I never wanted to live in the past and my H seems to think the past is better then the future. My present and my future are a million times better then my past and I chose to no longer look back.

My blessings are out there somewhere and I am going to find them...

Today I no longer settle for silver - Today I am looking for gold.

Will it be easy?

I doubt it but life was never promised to be easy...

Will there be tears along the way? -

Absolutely, but tears are a way to cleanse your soul.

Will I falter along the way?

That is a given however I have Him to pick me up and set me right again.

I will never be alone.

I will never be a doormat again to anyone on the face of this earth.

I will never walk on eggshells for anyone at anytime.

I will never allow a man to take so much from me again.

I will learn that I am worthy - And anyone who comes around is lucky to know me.

I will learn to nurture my self-respect and self-esteem and never allow someone else to do it for me.

I will continue to come here because I just love all you guys and if it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here right now.

[Lotus]

Good luck, Serenity. I think you have made a wise and necessary decision.

[Kemper]

Good luck, Serenity. This is a tough decision but based on what you have gone through it seems appropriate.

((((hugs))))

[soleil]

Serenity, it sounds like your head is in a really good place. Wishing you all of the best.

[The Wifey]

I stand with you Serenity. If you need me find me in the alt. I'll say a prayer for you.

[Serenity13]

(((Lotus)))

Thank you...I know you are right...It just took me quite some time to get here.

[Serenity13]

(((Soleil)))

Thank you for your kind words and support.

[Serenity13]

(((Wifey)))

I still remember that day so long ago when you offered me iron undies - I wish I would have accepted them way back when.

Thank you for everything - You are always in my prayers as well...