Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

(((Trent)))

I will head there in about 5 - Finishing a journal that needed to get out.

Thank you Trent - Always.

[TrentC]

Of course.

[Serenity13]

Journal~

Where to start? Anger came and went...

After talking to my Pastor today, some peace settled within...

He reminded me that once again God has given me an out however he knows that I won't take it right now.

Tomorrow I will see my lawyer once again and see where to go from here.

I went to Church and felt heavy, down, broken-hearted, hurt so bad I no longer "feel" anything, devastated beyond any words.

He watched me throughout the service, he always seems to know when something new has entered the picture and we spoke afterwards and I let him know what has happened this week...

I also told him what happened at the Altar last week.

I felt like I had gotten to the place I didn't want to be at - The place where all is said and done and I just sacrifice my beliefs and give in to H.

I asked him would God tell me when it was time - As long as I believe that time will never come.

Faith and hope are the only things getting me through the day.

The nights are the longest, filled with regrets, remorse, and a bunch of should have, would have and could have...

I wonder when black and white turned to gray?

I wonder when the day will come that I don't climb out of bed terrified of what the day will bring?

I wonder when the day will come when I can go to my Pastor in joy instead of sorrow?

I wonder if the darkness will ever lift?

I wonder when I will ever be able to just hug someone without shaking?

I wonder when the fear I battle daily will leave?

I wonder if I will ever not feel as though I am going to shatter at any moment?

I wonder when the day will come that I can breathe easier once again and look at the world through clear eyes instead of tear filled eyes?

I wonder when the day will come that I go to the Altar, take my Pastors' hand and don't break down in a teary mess, clinging to his hand so tightly, like he is my lifeline because I feel so unworthy?

I wonder how to stop feeling like yesterdays garbage?

I wonder how to take back all my power...The power over my emotions is still being held in my H's hand and I hate it and I can't figure out how to get it back?

I still wonder why we weren't good enough even though I know by now it isn't about us?

I wonder if I will ever be able to truly give 100% of myself ever again?

I wonder if I will ever "feel" loved again?

I wonder all this as I go to sleep at night...

I don't sleep good and then wake up scared each and every single day.

Because of the Faith I carry and the Hope I have, I realized that all this can go to Him as well.

Today I asked not for a lighter load but for a stronger back.

(((Hugs)))

[TulsaTime]

Serenity,

As I read through your last post, all I can say is I know EXACTLY what you're going through.

Hopefully one day we will look back on this and these questions and fears will have been answered and all things worked out for our good.

[Gardener]

Serenity, despite my "Good Night" earlier, I'm still awake and just read your journal.
A few thoughts, if I may:

Journal~

After talking to my Pastor today, some peace settled within...

He reminded me that once again God has given me an out however he knows that I won't take it right now.
Perhaps the out that God has given you is a gift. And perhaps, just perhaps, you should consider graciously accepting that gift. I don't know: just thinking out loud.

Tomorrow I will see my lawyer once again and see decide where to go from here.

I went to Church and felt heavy, down, broken-hearted, hurt so bad I no longer "feel" anything, devastated beyond any words. Fight this, woman. Imagine a coat hook at the entrance to the Church. Hang your troubles there just for the time you're inside and experience only positives when you go in. The "cr@p" will be waiting for you on the hook when you come out. And it will probably be lighter for not lugging it in with you to worship

He watched me throughout the service, he always seems to know when something new has entered the picture and we spoke afterwards and I let him know what has happened this week...What an attentive, perceptive, loving Pastor he must be!
I also told him what happened at the Altar last week. Good for you. You did it. And gave him something he'll cherish just as he did for you.

I felt like I had gotten to the place I didn't want to be at - The place where all is said and done and I just sacrifice my beliefs and give in to H. Or re-examine some of those beliefs. And face and accept reality. It takes two to profess vows, Serenity. It takes two to honor and keep vows. You are (admittedly admirably, but futilely) doing something that it is impossible, by definition, for one person to do alone. Do you think God wants you to be miserable honoring vows solo while your "H" tramples them, you, and your kids? That's not my God, anyway. He wants you to live a full life of love and joy, not martyrdom.

Look at my sitch: I honored my vows. I honor vows. They are sacred. That's what two do, not one. Mrs. G. didn't - doesn't - honor vows. I will be divorced on January 27th. And I honored my vows. But it is over. She ended it, because a "vow of one" is no vow at all!
Leave that "weakness" outside on that "hook". Go inside the Lord's House for strength. It's there, if nowhere else. When you go inside remember your name: Serenity.

I asked him would God tell me when it was time - As long as I believe that time will never come. And maybe-just maybe - God has been telling you - showing you - it's been over for a long time through absolutely no fault of yours!.

Faith and hope are the only things getting me through the day. And love: of God, of your children

The nights are the longest, filled with regrets, remorse, and a bunch of should have, would have and could have...Pardon me, but how's that working out for you? Stop,"shoulding" all over yourself! Time goes forward, life goes forward. I believe that's how God wants us to live that gift of life: not backwards. Not stagnant.

I wonder when black and white turned to gray? Don't we all? Perhaps in our grief and self-pity we allow it to turn gray,

* I wonder when the day will come that I don't climb out of bed terrified of what the day will bring?

* I wonder when the day will come when I can go to my Pastor in joy instead of sorrow?

* I wonder if the darkness will ever lift?

* I wonder when I will ever be able to just hug someone without shaking?

* I wonder when the fear I battle daily will leave?

* I wonder if I will ever not feel as though I am going to shatter at any moment?

* I wonder when the day will come that I can breathe easier once again and look at the world through clear eyes instead of tear filled eyes?

* I wonder when the day will come that I go to the Altar, take my Pastors' hand and don't break down in a teary mess, clinging to his hand so tightly, like he is my lifeline because I feel so unworthy?

* I wonder how to stop feeling like yesterdays garbage? What's that old 12-Step Program saying" Oh, yeah: "God doesn't make garbage."

* I wonder how to take back all my power...The power over my emotions is still being held in my H's hand and I hate it and I can't figure out how to get it back?

* I still wonder why we weren't good enough even though I know by now it isn't about us?

* I wonder if I will ever be able to truly give 100% of myself ever again?

* I wonder if I will ever "feel" loved again?

* Maybe, just maybe, when you decide to. When you, Serenity, stop passively (though understandably) wondering when and start doing now.

I wonder all this as I go to sleep at night...Hand it over to Him at night. He'll take it from you for a few hours, He wants you to rest, to "sleep in heavenly peace."

I don't sleep good and then wake up scared each and every single day. Why aren't you waking up with God, His gifts, and His Strength at your side and in your heart? **

Because of the Faith I carry** and the Hope I have, I realized that all this can go to Him as well.
** Don't "carry" your faith. Practice it. Live it.

Today I asked not for a lighter load but for a stronger back. I'd ask for both . But you've already got them, been promised them:a strong back. And a light burden and easy yoke to take it up with...

(((hugsto you))) as you re-think what God wants for you, His child, and not what you think you must do for Him. In my book, it doesn't work that way. You are nobly choosing Hell on Earth, but choosing it nonetheless. And He doesn't want you to just adhere to man-made rules. Personally, the only rules that I believe should be adhered to are the ten God gave Moses and the two Jesus gave us. I pray you take the difficult, but inevitable choice of choosing life. A new life. For you and your Children. A life of Christian joy, not paralyzed misery.

Besides, there is a good, decent, moral, Christian man out there somewhere praying to meet someone like you who he can cherish. Don't disappoint him. You will find each other, someday.

I hope this all didn't sound harsh. It is not meant to be. It was composed after prayer and with love[ And now I say goodnight again (and go to bed this time! )

[kara]

(((Serenity)))

This is a really quick post because I am running late to get out the door.

We can talk til we are blue in the face but at the end of the day the decision rests with you. What has God spoken to your heart or guided you to do? No, chances are that he won't come down and sit next to you and say do this or do that but he will speak to you.

There is no reason that you can't seek to find peace and joy in your present circumstances while your issues are being resolved in whatever manner you choose to pursue. HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB. I am not asking you to be a Christian Marytr but remind yourself that your joy does not depend on your H or what is going on in your life.

You have your boys and I am sure that they are a huge source of joy for you despite it all.

I know that your reality is nothing like the dream was.It isn't for many of us. But God can dream a bigger dream for us that we can ever dream for ourselves. There is nothing he can't do. There is no impossible in his dictionary. Seek his will for you and follow it. Keep trusting him and start waking up smiling, girl.

This is a little cheesy but whenever I feel a little down and out spell coming on I say to myself "I am the prize". We are not pining after someone who has gone in a different direction at this stage, Serenity. We are the prize and we are living life.

And you can talk about shoes on my thread as much as you want. That's what friends are for.

Now I am late, so I will check in with you later...

[Serenity13]

(((Tulsa)))

It is always nice to see a new face on my thread...I believe one day (hopefully soon) these questions and fears will be answered...After a very long night of thinking, I have worked out what needed to be worked out so I will post that shortly. I hope you have a wonderful day! (((Hugs)))

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener)))

Loving 2x4's my favorite lol...I read your post last night before I went to bed and thanks to what you said, I spent the better part of the night not sleeping and just truly thinking...I have come to some conclusions that you and others may not agree with that I will be posting soon.

[Serenity13]

(((Kara)))

I love you to pieces and I am thankful you keep me grounded...You (and Gardener) made me do some serious thinking last night and once I was able to get to sleep, I finally slept peacefully and awoke to watch the sunrise...It was freezing outside but I took my coffee out there on the porch and watched God wake up the world - In that moment, my decision had been firmly made.

[rockedworld]

(((Kara)))

I love you to pieces and I am thankful you keep me grounded...You (and Gardener) made me do some serious thinking last night and once I was able to get to sleep, I finally slept peacefully and awoke to watch the sunrise...It was freezing outside but I took my coffee out there on the porch and watched God wake up the world - In that moment, my decision had been firmly made.

I am so glad to hear that ((((Serenity)))
I am praying for you for the strength and grace to live out the decision you have made.