Wife wants best of both worlds

[goldeylox]

Clinging, just wanted to remind you that advice from friends is only helpful if they are a lawyer or a judge. When in doubt about your rights, or actions allowed, etc., best to check with the decision makers. Peace.
p.s. sorry for the hi-jack

[MHL]

DW82,
How are things going, anything new? Just checking in.

[dwinter82]

I hope you are checking in often...I need some quick advice.

I did not hear from the W all weekend...never do. We had a discussion this morning about the D and were simply going over some of the logistics. Then about an hour ago she emails and ask if she can take me and the kids out for my B-day or make dinner for us at the house. I call my parents and seek their advice and they say don't do it...stay away!!

I think this is her attempt to keep things nice between us or to keep me from hating her since she knows what she is doing is wrong. Or, she is simply being doing something nice for the kids as well. In any case, I have made my mind up on the tough love approach and to move on but I am unsure how to handle this situation. My heart says do it but my brain says stay away.

[dwinter82]

So we have nice family time on New years day and then she sends the D paperwork the following morning. Then, this morning we have a D conversation and then she ask if she can take all of us out for family time. I know she definitely wants a D and I know she spent the weekend with the OM...this is getting to be to much.

[MHL]

DW,
I don't know what to tell you. I am in the exact same place except there is a lawyer involved.......I think I would take the family time and show her the changes in you still. As far as the D paperwork goes, do you have to sign it? Does it matter in your state?

[dwinter82]

I opted not to do the family time (as much as I wanted to). I think if anything I need to be consistant in my approach. If there was not an OM involved this decsion would have been a no brainer.

As far as the D goes, I need to sign. Everytime we dicuss the D it reminds us of the situation. At least having the D behind us may allow us (her)to focus on positive things, or at least less on the negative things. If I saw doubt in her eyes or some mixed signals I would likely try to slow things down but I am not seeing any of that. Like you said, she is in the "love phase" with the OM so her mentality is likely not going to change. If that ends (and I have my doubts) then we can see what happens.

I need to emotionally remove myself from her and accept the situation for what it is.

[ClingingToHope]

I need to emotionally remove myself from her and accept the situation for what it is.

I did a bunch of family time on Christmas with W and her family and the girls loved it.

But I did it because we are still married. If we D -- and I'm meeting with a L Wednesday to see my options -- I'm not going to do any family time for at least a year.

Birthdays will be hard, but I'll make big deals of my time with them.

Maybe after a year I'll be OK and the pain will lessen and it will become normal.

All this family time may be confusing your kids as well.

[dwinter82]

Having to limit family time is like getting kicked in the groin by a marching band...it sucks. You are right though, it is confusing for the kids (sends mixed signals) and makes it more difficult for us to move on. For my W, family time is going to eventually change and include the OM and that is my next big hurdle.

Tough love is difficult and may not be right for everyone, depending on the situation. I think it is right for my situation and I am not going to second guess it. Having said that, I still want to have some level of flexbility when I feel like it is not going to hurt me or if the kids will benefit from it. Going cold turkey, as you suggest (one year), sounds a little to rigid to me. Who knows?!

[MHL]

Hey Guys,
I have 2 different opinions for both of you, and you know what opinions are like don't you? They are like a$$holes, everyone has one....I have to laugh a little otherwise I would go nuts.

CTH,
While I haven't read your entire thread your sitch from the time of the bomb is not that long. I know coming up on a year, but you are not getting a response from your current DBing efforts, have you tried changing and seeing what happens, experiment a little, what do you have to lose. If she is not pushing it then why do it? Can you not "move on" without a piece of paper saying you are no longer married? Pretend you are divorced w/o actually doing it, is that an option? (I will catch up on your entire sitch tonight)

DW,
I think I agree with you on the D thing in your sitch. Get it over with and then that is one less issue between you guys and unfortunately you will have to see what happens with this guy. Meantime, you can move on mentally and it might help you individually. Can't believe I said that but my sitch changed and I was living in lala land for the last 2 weeks. I will post in my sitch.

[dwinter82]

Well, I am fighting it today. I think I am still in the "shock mode". We have been seperated for 7 months and it is still hard to fathom the situation. However, I ask myself even if she were to have a change in heart, would I be able to work through it. I am still in crisis mode, so the answer right now would probably be yes. Later however, could I overcome the resentment? Do I honestly want to be with someone who is capable of such bad behaviors?

In my presence, my D6 told the W yesterday that she did no want her to be unmarried. The wife kind of shrugged it off with not much to say. The W is in such a differnt frame of mind right now and I am not sure who she is. Her judgement and aproach is so clouded. She is convinced she is on the right path. I wonder if things continue down this path and she for instance, marries the OM, will she ever understand the damage she has cuased and/or feel any remorse for her actions? Will she take any responsibility??!!

I need to quit thinking about this stuff.