For now, he needs to find ways to be a husband, partner and friend to you.
I think this is the most frustrating part. He is still in such a selfish place that I'm not sure he will ever be able to be a husband or a partner.
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You don't want him at 80%, but you could settle for 99.9%.
My H made the 80% comment to the C a month ago and I believe was moving closer to me up until his Christmas vacation. You are right though...I don't want to settle. My H told me the other day that he isn't 100% sure about moving back. I told him that I deserve 100%.
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Control issues? He still perceives you as trying to fix things.
You are right again. He does have fears that things will be the sam ole, same ole but deep down he knows I have changed and have learned to be more accepting of things for what they are. My H still claims that he has let women (mother, girlfriends, XW, D & me) control him all his life and he isn't going to let that happen again. On some level, I understand what he is saying but if we are ever going to move forward, he needs to let all the baggage that he has heaped onto me go and start fresh. I'm not sure he can.
I did look up some of DebM's posts. It was recommended to her to go dark at some point. If she did, it wasn't for long. It sounds like her H transitioned back fairly quickly in comparison to my H. My H has been fence sitting for a couple of years now. We have been in MC now for almost 2 years. However, the M issue has been somewhat on the back burner for the last 6 while I have been helping my father recover from his stroke but now it is time for me to do something different regarding my M. I wanted to start the new year moving forward with my life...I was hoping it was going to be with my H. I did make it clear to him that I needed to move forward with or without him. My H never called yesterday...I guess I am not surprised since I told him not to. I gave him a reason to run and hide this time.
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Do something different...don't be so readily available...let his calls go to voice mail and return the calls later. If he asks where you have been just say out or I've been busy working on whatever in your home. He knows that you are there for him, but he needs just a little nudge in knowing that you are not going to always be there at his beck and call and be his fixer. Can you do this?
I can but maybe it is too late. Maybe our hours of talking the other day pushed him away for good. I am not sure. We talked about him take his things from my house but he couldn't seem to deal with it. He told me to give everything to the Goodwill (although I know he didn't mean it). I can accept whatever happens but it just makes me sad that 2 people that seem to love each other can't seem to work things out.
I struggle with the fact that my H is still a broken man and with the uncertainty that he will ever truly heal. I just know I don't want to spend my life like this and I don't want to spend the rest of my life without a partner. I don't know what my next step will be. I'm back to detaching, GAL and focusing on myself and my kids. It won't be that hard.
Thank you for helping me through this. Sorry I have not always been the best at taking the advice that has been given to me...I suppose there is still a part of me that thinks my situation is different. I need to stop that.
