WAW, live under same roof, and still have sexes.

[Deep]

Hi,

I read your sitch since you first posted, and kept silent as I felt there are many better placed to give you some input. I think many are busy and / or occupied during this period, and Puppy for one, seems likely to spend less time on these boards. So I'm weighing in - my humble opinion, and I'm far from an expert.

Sandi has already given you great, great advice and comments. Glad to see you're taking her seriously.

Back to basics - I gotta ask, what exactly have you been doing / thinking? Let's not lose the forest for the trees. You've been engaging DB coaches and I would assume you've done a ton of the usual reading, so you know the drill. Get the basics right first.

Your M went through challenges, sure I hear you. You were not perfect, far from it, sure I hear you. You should own your part in failings in your M, ditto - great for you. What were you thinking in then extending that into justification, for YOURSELF no less, that it's ok for your W to have an A? Are you crazy? Your W is in enough of the fog by herself without any encouragement from you. She is WRONG, period. Please get this absolutely clear.

What's the big deal about this? You didn't set a boundary right at the start. The pursuing, begging, crying bit, I understand, many of us go through that, but to the extent that we think it's "Ok"? Er, no. Compassion and understanding is fine and necessary later, not now, now is not the time for forgiveness in the context of working at the M. There is this small little pre-requisite for that and it's called remorse.

So you were severely disrespected, you busted her - and let me stress that the busting itself is a BIG deal for most on here, a step many try to accomplish through great pains. But after busting her, you went back for more of the same - message being that you were not only a doormat, but a self-cleaning, no maintenance, fuss-free doormat. And you wonder how you can go about stopping her from treating you like one? Why should she?

What IS this crap about not going so low as to "snoop" on her? Hello, she is playing "hide the sausage" with OM and you should be doing everything you can to protect yourself and the kids! And please, please, please, stop assuming it is "just EA". Firstly, EAs are serious, and you are only setting yourself up for more pain if you hide behind that. Gear yourself mentally to accept that she has given herself to another man, the details don't matter for now. It's a step forward that you're looking at PIs, be clear what your goals are. You already know about OM - having a PI now is assembling your weapons of war - what war are you going to wage?

Boundaries and consequences, set them clearly. With regards to OM and you firstly, then with regards to the kids. It's ridiculous the way she flaunts them with OM. I would throw just about all inhibitions out the window where the kids are concerned, be nasty in the consequences if you have to. I would even go so far as to consider making it clear that you will explain in excruciating detail to the kids why it is wrong what she is doing.

Yes, I know ... never use the kids, never drag them in, never bad mouth your spouse. Well, if being in As is like drug addiction, I would be prepared to shield a W to the kids while working things out if she was a drug addict. But if she starts shooting drugs in front of them or introducing them to her poison, "extreme prejudice" measures would come to mind. Same goes for As.

I read a few threads where I was tempted to post my thoughts that actions towards a WAS should follow these guidelines:

- Consequences should be as severe / serious as the sitch calls for. Whatever it takes to bust the A, maintain non-negotiable boundaries etc.

- Never, ever, let your self-respect be destroyed. Be flexible, kind, understanding, sacrificing as need be, but never allow wanton disrespect and abuse to be heaped on you or the kids (if any).

- Never, ever do anything out of spite, meanness, desire for revenge, justice, getting your own back, selfishly making yourself feel better.

- As long as it is being done to save your M, never NOT do anything out of fear, be it fear of consequences for your Spouse's reactions, fear of D, fear of indifference, fear of being judged.

I hope this helps. I probably did not write this as well as I should have. Have to admit the outrage I felt for you and the sleep deprivation ain't helping . Puppy wrote a reply to Soldier Dad today that is excellent, you might want to go read that for some great advice (if not the whole 112 pages).

P.S. What CTH wrote, I respectfully disagree. Your W is pushing the envelope on cake-eating. She does not deserve a return on the "affection" she is showing you. Why? Boundary number 1 "I will not share you with another man". Right now she ain't sharing. She's his and she drops you crumbs at times. Drop OM and you can talk. You're not the sprig of celery on her main course.