My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

wow--I read these links and they were both scary and comforting.

I can see where the narcissism came from--xH's father is emotionally about 8 years old and very narcissistic, mom tended to disappear and felt she had no choice but to raise her sons according to her MIL's Italian model--few responsibilities, treating them like little princes, being a buffer between them and dad during disagreements.

And very definitely, there's a great level of conflict between xH and D13 when she fails to provide that "narcissistic supply" and has the nerve to differentiate a bit and establish her own boundaries about OW. Certainly OW is providing that "supply" along with her daughters...for now. And it was when I stopped providing it that things fell apart in the marriage.

The articles you cited were comforting in that they point out that if I can remain stable D13 will likely continue to choose me as a role model rather than her father; at this point that's kind of a no-brainer. Unfortunately it seems like most of the examples they used were same-gender parent-child relationships. None of them really discussed the specific issue I have been so concerned about.

Are there levels of narcissism? Probably. xH at least isn't violent, and a big part of his self-image has to do with being seen as good relationally because of his career choice. And while he certainly has been proven to lie to protect that image, he can really only carry that so far since he works with others who are also relational experts. And while he is very good at talking a good story and knowing just what to say, he has to stay within certain boundaries or he'll be "found out." He is functional, tho, and actually quite highly regarded in his field; that's a testament to his ability to manipulate and put on very good masks. If he were more severely narcissistic I think he'd be less functional.

So I'm thinking that the issue I'm most worried about--how to support D13 as she struggles with fearing losing her father's love and reduce the developmental damage associated with that--is affected by the narcissism but she is aware that, in many ways, she's an "object" to him. And that is less than helpful for her.

Anyone have any other practical ideas for supporting daughters thru fatherly emotional abandonment?