I've been lurking for some time now, and I think what I have figured out, though it has taken me a few months of reading, that my wife is a prototypical MLC W. I originally posted my case under "newcomers", and got a rash of people telling me that my wife is having an affair (something that I think may be possible, but I really don't think so... so if all of you could at least stick with that for now I'd appreciate it!).
Here is my basic situation:
HI to all.
I am in need of help and guidance.
Here is my story.
I'm 36. I've been married 9 years. I am still very much in love with my wife. We have twin 6 year old boys.
I just completed 9 years of training to become a heart surgeon. My wife was with me through all of that, raising the boys, often alone. I thought everything was ok. It was bascially like being in navy seal training for 9 years.
Well we move to our dream place, dream job and one month into in my wife tells me "not in love anymore, I'm numb." She has an opportunity 4 hours away to start a foundation for something that she has always wanted to do. She wants to go do it. I feel like it is the only chance we have and let her go. She takes the boys with her to a city 4 hours away to pursue this opportunity.
This was in september. So Oct-December she has been trying to get this foundation project off the ground that involves pediatric palliative care-- but it has not happened the way that she has hoped that it would. I of course knew it would not just happen, but it has been a source of sadness and frustration for her.
Over the last few months what I have noticed are all the signs that this is MLC. She has re-written our past. We had a lot of great times. We were best friends. But I was away a lot. For sure when I was home I was often decompressing from the pressures of my work at the hospital, which was grueling. When we had the kids I did not do a good job of helping her. So now she says things like "I am a failure". "You deserve someone better than me".. "If you loved me like you say you do you would have treated me differently". "All I wanted was a friend". "you abandoned me 10 years ago".
she is seeing a therapist who she loves. It is very emotional for her. she tells me that her father was never home, and they think that has a big effect on how she grew up-- feeling insecure and abandoned-- I did the same-- at least she feels that way.
It is a rollercoaster for sure. Over the holidays things were tough. She went down to the place where I did my cardiac fellowship and I met her down there. She took a road trip on her own, which is something she has never done before for two days (I know--some of you doubt she was on her own...but I really think she was...). I gave her the space she needed-- and on last wednesday she called me as I was driving down. I had written her an email the night before, quoting maya angelou-- about how people forget what you say or do but never forget how you made them feel... and how I understand how I made her feel. And how my goal for this year, at the very least, was for her to feel compassion, kindness and respect from me.
well she called and there was a softness in her voice I hadn't heard in a while... she told me how much that letter meant to her, and how she actually believed me (I have been bending over backwards the last 6 months, trying to show her I've changed, helping with the boys, cleaning-- all these things-- and I sincerely have). She wanted to meet me for a drink.
we had the drink, she gave me a hug, touched me on the leg... I had that hope.
the next day, she asked me about my job. well, my job is not working out (no work for me to do here), and I have the road paved to leave here and start a new job--- a good one-- in the town where she is. I did not want to bring this up, but she brought it up. BIG MISTAKE. I should have said "lets just discuss it after new years". I think I may have had a chance at something special that night... but we got to talking about it, and me potentially moving in-- and I'm sure all of you are shaking your head, since you know the MLCer doesn't need to hear something like that. She shut down, we had a nother R discussion that night and that was the end of the upswing on the roller coaster.
I watched the kids that night and she went over to her sister's bar to be with her mom... again I'm sure there was nothing else going on there.
Weird thing was she told me before she left that she was looking at me in the hot tub and she knows shes been a "bitch" but wanted to jump my bones there. she got a look in her eye I haven't seen in... I don't know.. years? we kissed, talked about maybe even hooking up.. and that was that.
drove up with her the next day, we had a little bit better day.
Stayed at my house the next night-- we slept with the boys, and the next morning I helped her get ready to go, packed, kept a happy appearance (I've been trying to DB and detatch lovingly) and sent her on her way.
she called 10 minutes later to thank me for helping her go. Then we texted back and forth about 60 times.
When she got to her town she called me because she wanted to share with me how beautiful it was there.
First texted me this am to tell me to take my flax seed (something we are doing together)... then 10 mintues later called me this morning to thank me for new tires we got, tell me the boys went off to school, and she had a happy day planned.
I one thing I have noticed, is when I back off a little, but am there lovingly and supportive, she comes back to me... but then when we talk about the future, us, any of that crap...it is like, as she said, "the wound being split open again".
I tried the going dark thing and given the fact that she feels I "abandonded her" and was "never available" I feel this is not productive. Much of the info on LBS with MLCers seems to corroborate this.
she has been crying a lot over the last few months, has very low self esteem, says she does not feel beautiful (even though she is absoultely drop dead gorgeous (men come at her all the time... she was asked to be a J Crew model.. things like that).
Jack-- I really like what you have written and you seem like you could be a help to me.
I honestly feel like I have a better understanding now of what is going on. I'm convinced, reading these posts, that she is in MLC.
