Ok, been at work today. Feels good to be working again.
I have some thoughts:
1. When I was "home" W and I discussed other man/men. She denied any sexual contact-I know that is a lie. If/when we go to counseling, is this when I address this? What if she continues to deny in counseling? I KNOW she slept with at least 2 OM.
You need to call lies AS THEY HAPPEN, and refuse to engage any further with her when she's lying to you. If this is in person, then you walk out, and if it's on the phone, you end the conversation by saying "We both know you're lying to me right now -- it's very disrespectful, and I've decided I'm no longer going to tolerate it. Please call me back when you're ready to be truthful with me. I think I deserve at least that much." And then hang up.
In a MC context, what I advise is to call B.S. at the very first instance in the MC session. Get up, thank the counselor, and tell them both that you see no sense wasting your time and money in marriage counseling if your wife isn't going to be honest in the sessions. Tell them you'd love to continue once she admits to her affairs, so that you can all hopefully deal with the issues in an atmosphere of full honesty, and deal with any and all issues, including your own role in the dysfunction in the marriage.
2. W tried to explain the PI report to me that the date was wrong, they were just friends, she wasn't in his room - "you know me better than that". I kept telling her to stop lying, but she persisted
If she persisted, that is when the conversation should have ended. Honesty is either a boundary of personal integrity for you, or it isn't. Once you continue the interaction after the boundary has been violated, without consequence, then you've basically given your tacit approval to the violation and indicated it's not that important to you.
, and changed the subject. STILL hasn't admitted to any wrongdoing.
3. W talked to me about OM from dallas-they went hiking, took some pictures-which she sent me one, SHE kissed him, nothing else has happened
Oh, gee, she kissed another man who's not her husband, when he was overseas serving our country. Is THAT all.
, he gave her an black onyx ring for X-mas. When I told her that the relationship needed to end for us to begin to work on our M, W replied with "I don't know how I feel right about him right now"
My response would have been "Then there's really nothing else to discuss. When you're ready to get all these third people out of our marriage, and work on it, let me know. In the meantime, I'm not really sure how I feel about remaining married to someone who treats me so crappy."
"OM and I would never work out-his family is full of doctors, lawyers, professionals, and I am not on their level",
UNBELIEVABLE. Nothing here about "OM and I would never work out because I'm married, and it's inappropriate," or some such -- just all about HER. This statement alone indicates how deep in the affair/entitlement fog she is, SD.
"it's hard to end something that hasn't gotten started, we're friends right now"
Whenever I got the "just friends" thing from my wife, I said something like "First of all, we both know that's not true, but even if it WERE true, you're basically telling me that you're willing to put a friendship ahead of your relationship with your HUSBAND, which is a dealbreaker for me. I cannot remain in a marriage where my wife places a higher value on a friendship with another man than she does on me, I'm sorry."
4. I told W when we were talking at home that I wouldn't share her with OM. Do I need to tell her that from time to time, to remind her of my boundary?
Not with WORDS, necessarily, but by your ACTIONS you need to (like examples above).
5. We spoke of counseling, and working on our issues to rebuild our M before I left, do I bring that up to her to remind her of what we talked about? We BOTH agreed to go to counseling, but the last text I got from W concerning our M was "Im not sure of anything right now Soldier Dad"
NO, it's not your job to "remind" her of things, or to "teach" her right now. "This is your mess; you need to clean it up" needs to be your mantra. She knows what she needs to do -- the ball is in her court. When you continually remind her of your boundaries, you actually WEAKEN them, not strengthen them. Firm, resolute boundaries need only be communicated once or twice.
