Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[sandi2]

It seems the two of you sure are together a lot for a S couple. Does she ever give any hints as to what she does in her spare time?

[MrBond]

She's pretty open to me as to what she does in her spare time.

At night when she doesn't have the kids, she stays home and has dinner alone if her sister's not there. Or she'll go to the mall by herself.

On the weekends, she'll either stay home or go to the mall by herself or with her sister.

She's been asked to go out to outings with her friends a few times and she's turned them down.

This is pretty much 100% true on her part because sometimes I do ask her to join us if I thought she was lonely sometimes. That's why I mentioned that I was worried that it was depression on her part.

[sandi2]

I am concerned the depression is worse. If she was GAL, or some OP was involved......but this picture is one of a person who has given up and can't take pressure from a M and family life.

[MrBond]

Sandi or anyone else.

Any suggestions then? I sometimes feel real guilty going out with my friend as I feel that my W is going through depression. However, she would have her mood swings and get angry at me. I just don't want to abandon her, yet I feel there's nothing more I can do. That it's all up to her.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck,

I went through the same with my friend up in NY. Alot of people told me it was normal. I had even thought about telling my WAW about it to help offset some of the guilt, but fortunately, some of my close friends hit me with 2x4's before I did that......

Sounds like you're doing good.

Take care brother

[ClingingToHope]

Let it go. Don't save her. She has to realize the problem.

[sandi2]

I appreciate how you feel about your W, Stuck. It shows you still care about her a great deal. I know you have tried to get her to go see a specialist, but you can't kidnap her and drag her there against her will. I had thought that maybe after so much time she would realize that what she's feeling is not normal and that she needs help with it. But, I had a nurse to tell me that when people live with something all the time......it becomes the norm to them. Hard to imagine, isn't it?

Anyway, I think you are feeling a mixture of concern for her well-being with the fact you are moving forward. Just contine to do what you believe is the right thing for you and trust God to take care of those things you can't control. I say that so easily,right? But, I have had to learn a few things the hard way....and we can learn to lay it in His hands.

Merry Christmas, Stuck. I hope the New Year will be much happier for you.

[MrBond]

Okay, thought it's been a couple of weeks, so I think it's time to update.

Well Christmas was good. My W came over and stayed the night. She said she would sleep on the couch, but I told her that as long as she was under this roof, she would sleep in bed. So we slept together and got up with the kids to see them open their presents Christmas morning. After that, she left with them to her sister's for the day and I picked the kids up later that night to take them to my parents' for Christmas dinner. I dropped them off to her later that night.

I had the last couple of weeks off, so the times that I didn't have the kids, I spent them with my friend. We had a long talk last week Wed. and essentially I told her that I couldn't give her more than what she wanted right now, so we decided to break it off. Sad, but I know I'm not ready for any of that right now. My M is still my priority.

New Years Eve, my W worked half day and spent time with the kids before I picked them up for New Years Eve dinner with my folks. We called my W at midnight to wish her happy new year and it seems as if she was in bed since 8.

On Saturday we all went out to see Alvin and the Chipmunks (the W and kids) and I dropped them back at the sister's after. On Sunday I had the girls and she later called to wish them goodnight. I asked her what she did today and she said she just stayed home.

She still stays home all the time and seems melancholy but oh well.

As for me, I'm happily detached. Even with my friend gone, I can say that I enjoy my life now and am not looking for anything. I remain standing for my M, yet I'm not "waiting" for anything. I have left everything up to the J-Man upstairs and know that either way I will be okay.

[sandi2]

Did you ever see any kind of reaction out of your W when you were seeing your lady friend? If you could never pick up on anything......then she did not feel threatened at losing you to the other person.

I know it would be very hard, Stuck, but my suggestion would be to stop the family outings. She still gets to be with you and the kids every weekend, so that is filling whatever emptiness she might would have toward the "H & children" thing. See what I mean?

I agree in that this routine needs to be shanken up. She gets to live outside of the M like she wanted (even if she is not seeing anyone) and yet she still has that attachment you are giving her with the "family" unit every weekend. I believe if you stop including her in these family times and leave her out of whatever you have planned with the girls, it may shake things to the next level, IDK, but nothing is moving forward right now.

You can continue to stay in this limbo stage of S or do something that will cause her to take another look at you dropping her from your life. B/c really, you haven't done that and that is why you were not able to go farther with your friend.

Actually, I was relieved to hear that you broke it off with the friend b/c I was concerned it would have be a rebound for you.

Haven't seen you around the board as much, but I always hope that means you're GAL. You are needed here, however, whenever you have time.

Take care,
Sandi

[MrBond]

Thanks Sandi.

She would know I would go out with different people, but she wouldn't really show any reaction to it. Even when we do the "family" thing, she seems like an empty shell.

I guess it's like what you felt and how 25mlc's H felt when you were in the middle of your problems. The thing is, there came a point where you realized that something was wrong and decided to do something about it.

Right now, my W is stuck in her world.

Today I took my youngest to the Zoo and she actually called a few times to see what we were doing. There are periods like that where it seems her old self is peeking through. But no matter. She has to figure things out on her own.