Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Ok, been at work today. Feels good to be working again.

I have some thoughts:

1. When I was "home" W and I discussed other man/men. She denied any sexual contact-I know that is a lie. If/when we go to counseling, is this when I address this? What if she continues to deny in counseling? I KNOW she slept with at least 2 OM.

2. W tried to explain the PI report to me that the date was wrong, they were just friends, she wasn't in his room - "you know me better than that". I kept telling her to stop lying, but she persisted, and changed the subject. STILL hasn't admitted to any wrongdoing.

3. W talked to me about OM from dallas-they went hiking, took some pictures-which she sent me one, SHE kissed him, nothing else has happened, he gave her an black onyx ring for X-mas. When I told her that the relationship needed to end for us to begin to work on our M, W replied with "I don't know how I feel right about him right now" "OM and I would never work out-his family is full of doctors, lawyers, professionals, and I am not on their level", "it's hard to end something that hasn't gotten started, we're friends right now"

4. I told W when we were talking at home that I wouldn't share her with OM. Do I need to tell her that from time to time, to remind her of my boundary?

5. We spoke of counseling, and working on our issues to rebuild our M before I left, do I bring that up to her to remind her of what we talked about? We BOTH agreed to go to counseling, but the last text I got from W concerning our M was "Im not sure of anything right now Soldier Dad"


Interested in any thoughts on this. Thanks.

[SoldierDad]

Ok, found out some more info on OM.

he works for same company as my W. He is 8 years older than my W, and is 2 years older than me. He has sent her pics of himself and his son. He is a regional mgr for the same company, he lives and works in the dallas area, and visits our base weekly to check on the "projects". This is how they initially met. What if anything should I do with this info? I am sure there is a policy prohibiting their relationship, as this company is VERY prominent on ALL military bases. Also it is common knowledge that my W is married, and he knows this as well.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ok, found out some more info on OM.

he works for same company as my W. He is 8 years older than my W, and is 2 years older than me. He has sent her pics of himself and his son. He is a regional mgr for the same company, he lives and works in the dallas area, and visits our base weekly to check on the "projects". This is how they initially met. What if anything should I do with this info? I am sure there is a policy prohibiting their relationship, as this company is VERY prominent on ALL military bases. Also it is common knowledge that my W is married, and he knows this as well.

I would expose them, via a letter sent to their Human Resources department. I did this with my wife, and although the gym ended up taking no action, they at least talked to my wife and her OM, and I do think it caused them to at least "cool it" while at work. I just felt it was the right thing to do.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

puppy, should I send the letter anonymously? Also, the person that works in my W's HR dept, is also one of her friends, so don't think that will do much good. The corporate HR dept, is located in Dallas, I think this is a better option, should I send the letter there? What should I write? Thanks.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

SD,

See my thoughts in red, below.

Puppy

Ok, been at work today. Feels good to be working again.

I have some thoughts:

1. When I was "home" W and I discussed other man/men. She denied any sexual contact-I know that is a lie. If/when we go to counseling, is this when I address this? What if she continues to deny in counseling? I KNOW she slept with at least 2 OM.

You need to call lies AS THEY HAPPEN, and refuse to engage any further with her when she's lying to you. If this is in person, then you walk out, and if it's on the phone, you end the conversation by saying "We both know you're lying to me right now -- it's very disrespectful, and I've decided I'm no longer going to tolerate it. Please call me back when you're ready to be truthful with me. I think I deserve at least that much." And then hang up.

In a MC context, what I advise is to call B.S. at the very first instance in the MC session. Get up, thank the counselor, and tell them both that you see no sense wasting your time and money in marriage counseling if your wife isn't going to be honest in the sessions. Tell them you'd love to continue once she admits to her affairs, so that you can all hopefully deal with the issues in an atmosphere of full honesty, and deal with any and all issues, including your own role in the dysfunction in the marriage.

2. W tried to explain the PI report to me that the date was wrong, they were just friends, she wasn't in his room - "you know me better than that". I kept telling her to stop lying, but she persisted

If she persisted, that is when the conversation should have ended. Honesty is either a boundary of personal integrity for you, or it isn't. Once you continue the interaction after the boundary has been violated, without consequence, then you've basically given your tacit approval to the violation and indicated it's not that important to you.

, and changed the subject. STILL hasn't admitted to any wrongdoing.

3. W talked to me about OM from dallas-they went hiking, took some pictures-which she sent me one, SHE kissed him, nothing else has happened

Oh, gee, she kissed another man who's not her husband, when he was overseas serving our country. Is THAT all.

, he gave her an black onyx ring for X-mas. When I told her that the relationship needed to end for us to begin to work on our M, W replied with "I don't know how I feel right about him right now"

My response would have been "Then there's really nothing else to discuss. When you're ready to get all these third people out of our marriage, and work on it, let me know. In the meantime, I'm not really sure how I feel about remaining married to someone who treats me so crappy."

"OM and I would never work out-his family is full of doctors, lawyers, professionals, and I am not on their level",

UNBELIEVABLE. Nothing here about "OM and I would never work out because I'm married, and it's inappropriate," or some such -- just all about HER. This statement alone indicates how deep in the affair/entitlement fog she is, SD.

"it's hard to end something that hasn't gotten started, we're friends right now"

Whenever I got the "just friends" thing from my wife, I said something like "First of all, we both know that's not true, but even if it WERE true, you're basically telling me that you're willing to put a friendship ahead of your relationship with your HUSBAND, which is a dealbreaker for me. I cannot remain in a marriage where my wife places a higher value on a friendship with another man than she does on me, I'm sorry."

4. I told W when we were talking at home that I wouldn't share her with OM. Do I need to tell her that from time to time, to remind her of my boundary?

Not with WORDS, necessarily, but by your ACTIONS you need to (like examples above).

5. We spoke of counseling, and working on our issues to rebuild our M before I left, do I bring that up to her to remind her of what we talked about? We BOTH agreed to go to counseling, but the last text I got from W concerning our M was "Im not sure of anything right now Soldier Dad"

NO, it's not your job to "remind" her of things, or to "teach" her right now. "This is your mess; you need to clean it up" needs to be your mantra. She knows what she needs to do -- the ball is in her court. When you continually remind her of your boundaries, you actually WEAKEN them, not strengthen them. Firm, resolute boundaries need only be communicated once or twice.


Interested in any thoughts on this. Thanks.

Hope that helps.

Puppy

[Frosty Michael]

it's hard to end something that hasn't gotten started, we're friends right now"

Ugh! It's not hard to end something that hasn't gotten started! She's avoiding having a clear response to a simple request, and she's also probably lying up a storm.

4. I told W when we were talking at home that I wouldn't share her with OM. Do I need to tell her that from time to time, to remind her of my boundary?

You shouldn't have to be habitually reminding her. But you will have to remind her every time you catch her continuing her relationships with OM and be firm.

5. We spoke of counseling, and working on our issues to rebuild our M before I left, do I bring that up to her to remind her of what we talked about? We BOTH agreed to go to counseling, but the last text I got from W concerning our M was "Im not sure of anything right now Soldier Dad"

Probabbly it's best that you let her know in a loving respectful way that you're not sure of anything either, and until she gets serious about saving your M continue on DBing and acting as if you're heading for D.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

puppy, should I send the letter anonymously? Also, the person that works in my W's HR dept, is also one of her friends, so don't think that will do much good. The corporate HR dept, is located in Dallas, I think this is a better option, should I send the letter there? What should I write? Thanks.

By all means go the Corp. HR route if local HR is a friend of hers, but I would "cc" the local HR dept. And NO, you do NOT do it anonymously!! That would be viewed as WEAK. Remember, you are now operating from a viewpoint of "What is The Right Thing to Do in this instance? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing here in front of me?" -- remember? So, if it's "The Right Thing to Do," why would you hide behind anonymity? That would be tantamount to doing what cheaters do, when they proclaim their love is "special," yet they want to lie about it to everyone in their life.

My wife was seething, and asked me "Did you send a letter to the owner of the gym about me and (OM)??!" Very calmly, I said "Yes I did." No further explanation, just "Yes I did." She then, if I remember, said "Did you REALLY think that would help you get back together with me?" or something like that, to which I said "That didn't enter my mind either way. I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do." She then told me how PISSED she was, and I validated -- "I understand, you're livid. I would be too, if the situation were reversed. I'm really not doing anything based on how angry it makes you anymore, I'm just trying to do what's best for me and my family right now."

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Ok, Puppy

What you wrote in reference to my thoughts is what I SHOULD have done. Now that we know I didn't do exactly that, do I have any recourse to do/say those things?

I liked this:
"When you're ready to get all these third people out of our marriage, and work on it, let me know. In the meantime, I'm not really sure how I feel about remaining married to someone who treats me so crappy."

Also, I have the picture of them together that she sent me, should I include this in my letters?

I think this would be a good boundary to establish with her, as I am so far away right now - thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ok, Puppy

What you wrote in reference to my thoughts is what I SHOULD have done. Now that we know I didn't do exactly that, do I have any recourse to do/say those things?

I liked this:
"When you're ready to get all these third people out of our marriage, and work on it, let me know. In the meantime, I'm not really sure how I feel about remaining married to someone who treats me so crappy."

I think this would be a good boundary to establish with her, as I am so far away right now - thoughts?

Oh trust me, the way she's behaving right now, you'll have many more opportunities.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Puppy,

I really liked that boundary, and think it will do some good.

Also, I have the picture of them together that she sent me, should I include this in my letters?

Also, what should the letter include as far as content? Should I also send a copy to the Commanding Officer of the company? They have an active duty Officer as the CO.