Another Sad Deployed Soldier/Dad

[Another_Soldier]

Well last night started out ok, got off work and that is usually when i get to talk to the W and Kids. I made plans to go to the Morale Welfare & Recreation ctr and DID. I got back to my room and there was a messenger said hey... you there???

I answered a little after 10 and her message was at 1900 or so. I did answer back just to reassure i was alive i am in a combat zone, but told her i was tired and had to get a shower then to bed. I asked her how the kids were said they were doing great but they missed me. I told her to tell them i love them and give them hugs and stuff for me like usual then told her good night.
Nope, just left it at Good Night.

Well while trying to sleep i just couldn't get it out of my head that she had called OM BABE and told OM Kisses. I just still can't figure out if she knew that i wouldn't approve of her talking to OM and even stated it, why would she do it and say what she said.
Feeling pretty down right now...I wish i could get a copy of the IM chat session she had with OM. I just have to know for sure what really happened.

"one day at a time"

[SoldierDad]

AS,

you remind me of - ME!!! I have been hit with many 2x4's lately from the experts on this board.

You, as well as I, have to STOP worrying about what our W's are doing.

Lovingly detach AS. As hard as it is, you have to do it. I struggle with it every day.

STOP trying to figure out what she has said/done, it is just going to drive you crazy-take it from me-I KNOW!!!

Get busy, go to the gym, get your mind off of her, and what she is doing. Even if she IS doing something-is there ANYTHING you can do about it? NOPE, not a thing.

Let Go and Let GOD my fellow Warrior.

[Another_Soldier]

Last night was a little better night. FIL and I spoke for a little bit, he knows about the previous PA and didn't approve and I am the S he never had, so he was a bit angry with the W but as i have confided in FIL before i know that he will not react or say anything unless i say it is ok. He believes just as well as i do that it would make matters much worse than they are now. The reason i spoke with him because i wanted to limit the amount of nights the kiddos are sleeping over at MIL & FIL's house so it would minimize the amount of the WRONG free time she would have. Also that she needs her family right now and my MIL is so kind hearted that she ALWAYS wants the kids for the weekend to give her time to herself which she don't need right now. I should be leaving here in about 3 weeks so will keep you updated as to how everything is going.

A good positive note...The wife contacted the C yesterday but got the voicemail, not sure if she ever got a call back. Maybe find out tonight after i talk to the kids.

One Day at a Time!!!

[givingitmyall]

AS,

Just be careful about what you tell FIL. Push comes to shove, my guess is he would choose his D over you.

[Another_Soldier]

True i would have to agree about him loving her more than me. He is more angry at the fact that He didn't raise her that way but doesnt' want to cause any more trouble either. He wants to handle it a different way as to ensure she is being good without going the route of saying anything to her about the whole ordeal. He has said that she has seemed more down over the last couple weeks and he could use that to his advantage to keep her around FIL and MIL. The "worried parents syndrome"

[givingitmyall]

True i would have to agree about him loving her more than me. He is more angry at the fact that He didn't raise her that way but doesnt' want to cause any more trouble either. He wants to handle it a different way as to ensure she is being good without going the route of saying anything to her about the whole ordeal. He has said that she has seemed more down over the last couple weeks and he could use that to his advantage to keep her around FIL and MIL. The "worried parents syndrome"

No question he should be worried. I would too.

But, if she suspects you are tampering with her family (and she will think you are trying to turn them against her even though I know your intentions are honorable), that could blow up in your face. And, even if FIL knows she's doing wrong, it would be unusual for him to take your side over hers. He has to live with her as his D for the rest of his life. He doesn't have to live with you as a SIL.

My old high school football coach used to say as many accomplishments as we achieve, we must never lose sight of the fact that we are all (and he meant EVERYONE) expendable and replaceable.

And, unfortunately, as a SIL, and not a son, you ARE replaceable. FIL might not like it, but that's the truth.

Just be careful. Lots of risk and downside there.

[Another_Soldier]

Well last night was kind of rough for me i tried to go wihtout contacting W and waiting to see if she would actually make first contact. Well I couldn't go to bed last night without telling W ILU and miss her and the kids.
**I stated earlier that i made contact with OM and told him that he needed to just stay away and she found out. When i woke this morning there was a message that said she wasn't happy with what i had done and said i keep pushing and pushing and asked if this $hit was ever going to stop with me. I broke.... I just broke and told her that i just feel like i am fighting to keep my family together and fighting for my M and happiness. I told her that I had a bad feeling about the guy and don't trust him because I being 10,000miles away like he could try to intrude again and i didn't want him to do so.

I feel like i really messed up and now feel worse than i have since all of this has come to light. It's hard because the signals i get from her are so "f"ing confusing. I can't tell every time i talk to her if i am pushing or pulling.

uggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrr

I thought of not contacting for the next few days but don't think i can do it i don't think that i am strong enough to not contact, plus i have to call the little ones in a day or so. There was no response to that last part i told her and it kind of worries me....

3ft from the edge

[SoldierDad]

AS,

You need to calm down, and take a deep breath.

Stop contacting your W. Unless it has to do with the kids, STOP.

Is there anything you can do from where you are at? NO. If she is having an A, there is nothing you can do but establish your boundaries with her.

You are strong enough to go dark, you are an American Soldier-a Warrior.

Of course she isn't happy, you are ruining her fantasy.
DO not contact the OM anymore.

Set boundaries.

You can recover from this. We have ALL made mistakes.

[Another_Soldier]

I understand what your saying SD, i am just truely having a real hard time with this whole thing. I was the guy that would never get married and there were no women out there that would tie me down then now W came along and BAM!!!

I can't even do my job right now because i just have been so freaakin stressed and don't want to get any of my battles killed. I do serious work and can't even focus no mater what i try. All i can think about is...Does she want to be with me? Where do i stand with her, husband or the guy that just pays the bills?
These are all things and i'm sure you've had some similar questions in your head but there is more than that and they won't go away. I try to stay as busy as i can but you know how war is. Your over here to and there is a lot of down time some times and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

I am VERY comitted to working on the M but just feel so alone and lost, depressed, can't eat, throw up for no reason, go to the latrine to just cry and i am just hurting sooooo bad and don't know what to do any more.

[SoldierDad]

Hey man, it's NOt gonna be easy. You have got to concentrate on the mission at hand - What can you contol right now? YOURSELF.

Let go and let God. This means to let go of what you can't handle right now, and let God take care of it.

I'm sure you have younger Soldiers relying on you to be the leader they expect. You OWE that to them, and THEIR families. They are counting on you to bring their loved ones home.

Focus on right now, don't worry about the future, you can't control it anyway.

Hang in there, be strong, and be there for your troops.