It's so easy people really overlook it sometimes!

[nightshade]

Know what you mean Fran.
I actully never really give a thought to different sex friendships until my h first affair, and even then not too much. I happen to have more male friends from my childhood than female - I was a bit of a tomboy and faster to get into a soccer game or the ultimate cops and robbers play than to play with dolls and make dinners LOL so much so that many girls avoided me 'cuzz I use to loose patience too fast when trying to play with them heheh -.
I never had a problem with my h female friends before. Even now, I don't .. not really. Both ow were not exactly friends. They were ows. Women that suddenly appeared in his life and were able to turn it upside down, but not the person we call or write when we're feeling down, or when we're so happy we want to share that with them. They were never there to support him, or shared any of the things friends share.
But, having said that. I also have to think the other way. It certainly is easier to go from friendship to something more. We already know and like the person. We most probably already share many interests. We already care about the person. We're already used to count on that person. I think what keeps it separated is the fact that we view it as a friendship and don't want to loose that status. And an affair would certainly spoil the whole thing once started, or over. Still at certain times of stress or strong emotions it can happen, and sometimes not even our values can wake us up on time - I suppose. But I also think that an affair born of such a relationship specially if there was still some respect for each other, would easily be ended once the realization that it was happening surfaced.

Meaningless affairs baffle me too. If they're meaningless why do they happen? Or rather - we already got an idea of why they happen - but why do they go on.. and on...?
I wonder if the same conflict avoidance that got our hs to not discuss any problems in the marriage with us, and opt for the affair instead, can play a role on why they continue. They just don't want to go trough the unpleasant situation of having to end it.
I know that in my h's case there is quite a lot of this involved. Even in situations that have nothing to do with his emotions or any affairs. Recently I had proof of this once again. Because he had to quit his job in order to end the affair we found ourselves in a rough financial spot. Having just spend money on buying the trailer we wanted to get for many years and some more getting everything the way we wanted, suddenly there was no income coming. Bills got behind and payments were not made. People were calling us - obviously trying to get those bills payed - and I was the one talking to them. After a while I was left with no more answer nor the will to talk to them once more, explaining the same things over and over again. I asked him to be the one talking to them. AT least for a bit so I could get a break - it is stressfull specially when you don't know when you can get everything up to date. DO ya think he did it????? I got excuses like I'm working I can't call them! - wait a second I"m working too, I can't call either! or I'll call after I finish.. this or that. Not once did he talk to this people. Why? because it was unpleasant. So better to avoid it, not deal with it. Let it go. Had I not talked to them one last time, we could now be without our car that is actually needed for him to do his job. He can't work without it, and stil, he wasn't able to bring himself to call this people and try to work something out.
Could this be why he wasn't able to end this last affair? Or why he also had to quit his job 5 years ago in order to really end it? I think it plays a big part of what happened. IN both cases he did tentatively end it a few times to restart after some time when they pushed for it.
It is a possibility.

HUgs
nightshade