Looking for my new normal

[givingitmyall]

That sounds good.

What about picking up a new cookbook and learning a whole new style of cooking - Lebanese, Mediterranean, Thai, whatever? You can treat your kitchen as a new classroom and learn something in the process.

Maybe you could even make meals for the less fortunate or older people in your town - bet a local church could help hook you up with that. You learn new dishes and help someone less fortunate. Win-Win.

[Gardener]

I do have the following guys all waiting for their turn: Jim, Dave, Derron, Norm, Doug, Jeff, and others... but they're all on hold. Some sent messages: We can just talk if you want...

Glad to see some humor in this now.

But whoever these guys are: LOSE THEM!

[Norm914]

I do have the following guys all waiting for their turn: Jim, Dave, Derron, Norm, Doug, Jeff, and others... but they're all on hold. Some sent messages: We can just talk if you want...

Glad to see some humor in this now.

But whoever these guys are: LOSE THEM!

LOL!!!

[Gardener]

Hello-

I found a sexual abuse support forum online to tide me over until I can see my IC and can get some face-to-face support. I'm waiting on the registration approval from the administrator; I'm not sure yet if it's the right place for me (the message boards are all private so I can't poke around just yet), but I'll give it a try- it couldn't hurt.

I'm also checking into Sex Addicts Anonymous- again, I'm not sure if it's the right place for me, but I'll try. I can't believe it's come down to this for me.

I'm calling the IC on Monday to see what I can arrange there. She might have some referrals or something for local groups. I'm not sure what angle to approach all this from.

I want to be furious at H- what the he!! did he do to me, and mad at myself for letting him...
I feel nothing though.

I'll post the list of my positives shortly- I'm working on them.

Hell, girl, you just posted a bunch of positives!
Keep going. You re taking action. You are taking back your self. You are doing great!
(((Bunny)))

[Dia]

Hi, Bunny,

I'm not sure which part of things you wanted my input on?

Here's what jumps immediately to mind. There are things all of us do that we know don't work. We do them because of what they are SUPPOSED to do for us.

Speaking very directly about sex...

My guess is that you're having sex because it's SUPPOSED to make you feel loved. On a less grand scale, having a lot of sex with a lot of people means they really like you! (cue Sally Field) And who wouldn't want to be popular, to be really liked or to be loved?

There's an illusory high to it. Even while you're telling yourself how you're the belle of the ball, some part of you knows it's hollow. And the kicker is that you don't know any other way to be. It's supposed to work, so you do it. But it doesn't work. And you sort of knew it wasn't going to work when you did it. But maybe this time it WILL work. So you do it again. Rinse, repeat. And somehow, you also manage to convince yourself that the reason it doesn't work is your own fault. But it's still the only thing you know how to do, so you're confused and trapped.

I'm not sure if this is the cycle for you or not. A lot of people get trapped by it, and it's not always sex. It could be food, alcohol, drugs, gambling or any number of things.

It's a little like that nuke movie from the 80s. The only way to win is not to play.

Yeah, stop cold turkey and stay stopped for several months. Because even if 'it' isn't working in terms of feeling loved and appreciated, it's still screwing with your brain chemistry and those things take awhile to even out.

And no judgement at all implied here. Obviously, I wouldn't know what the cycle is like if I hadn't experienced it at some point.

Hopefully, this is where you wanted the input. If not, please point me in the appropriate direction.

[Gardener]

Dia,

Hi, Bunny,

I'm not sure which part of things you wanted my input on?

Here's what jumps immediately to mind. There are things all of us do that we know don't work. We do them because of what they are SUPPOSED to do for us.

Speaking very directly about sex...

My guess is that you're having sex because it's SUPPOSED to make you feel loved. On a less grand scale, having a lot of sex with a lot of people means they really like you! (cue Sally Field) And who wouldn't want to be popular, to be really liked or to be loved?

There's an illusory high to it. Even while you're telling yourself how you're the belle of the ball, some part of you knows it's hollow. And the kicker is that you don't know any other way to be. It's supposed to work, so you do it. But it doesn't work. And you sort of knew it wasn't going to work when you did it. But maybe this time it WILL work. So you do it again. Rinse, repeat. And somehow, you also manage to convince yourself that the reason it doesn't work is your own fault. But it's still the only thing you know how to do, so you're confused and trapped.

I'm not sure if this is the cycle for you or not. A lot of people get trapped by it, and it's not always sex. It could be food, alcohol, drugs, gambling or any number of things.

It's a little like that nuke movie from the 80s. The only way to win is not to play.

Yeah, stop cold turkey and stay stopped for several months. Because even if 'it' isn't working in terms of feeling loved and appreciated, it's still screwing with your brain chemistry and those things take awhile to even out.

And no judgement at all implied here. Obviously, I wouldn't know what the cycle is like if I hadn't experienced it at some point.

Hopefully, this is where you wanted the input. If not, please point me in the appropriate direction.

Absolutely perfect, Dia.

I've been supporting Striong Bunny Girl because she needs it and deserves it. But I can only do so from a man's perspective (a man who woukld love to get his hands on Bunny's H, by the way)

You (and the other ladies chiming in here) are much more spot on.
And with all of us, her IC and her admirable strength, she's going to make it.

"Insanity" is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"

Bunny is well on the road to escaping her H's imposed insanity, thank God.

[SpyBunny]

Hopefully, this is where you wanted the input.

Dia- yes, it is. I've always had special respect for your input, thank you! Like Gardener said, an extra female perspective is very helpful. Bridge, Kimmie, DQ and Goldey have been very helpful also in the last few weeks.

And I am amazed by the support I got from the guys also- Gardener, GIMA, IWITW, Trent, VH, and others. Everybody's concern got me headed in a new direction, and I am incredibly indebted to this forum- I couldn't have done this alone!

Update: I got the approval for the other forum a little bit ago, and I'm working on my first post there. I'll see how that goes. I'm kind of re-processing everything in a new light now.

[TrentC]

And I am amazed by the support I got from the guys also- Gardener, GIMA, IWITW, Trent, VH, and others. Everybody's concern got me headed in a new direction, and I am incredibly indebted to this forum- I couldn't have done this alone!

You're fortunate to be surrounded by guys here who have the same attitudes about sex and intimacy in marriage.

You deserve better than what your H is offering you. I'm confident that by this time next year, you'll be on your way towards achieving it.

[Gardener]

Trent (and Bunny),

You're fortunate to be surrounded by guys here who have the same attitudes about sex and intimacy in marriage

Dead on friend, unlike the many spouses we -men and women alike - are/have been dealing with.

One change though - but an important one -to your post and to SpyBunny's:

And I am amazed by the support I got from the guys men also...

And,

You're fortunate to be surrounded by guys men here who have the same attitudes about sex and intimacy in marriage.

Big distinction: Too many guys in this world. Not enough men.

Goodnight, all.

[TrentC]

Big distinction: Too many guys in this world. Not enough men.

Goodnight, all.

Duly noted, Gardener.