Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

Journal~

Where to start? Anger came and went...

After talking to my Pastor today, some peace settled within...

He reminded me that once again God has given me an out however he knows that I won't take it right now.

Tomorrow I will see my lawyer once again and see where to go from here.

I went to Church and felt heavy, down, broken-hearted, hurt so bad I no longer "feel" anything, devastated beyond any words.

He watched me throughout the service, he always seems to know when something new has entered the picture and we spoke afterwards and I let him know what has happened this week...

I also told him what happened at the Altar last week.

I felt like I had gotten to the place I didn't want to be at - The place where all is said and done and I just sacrifice my beliefs and give in to H.

I asked him would God tell me when it was time - As long as I believe that time will never come.

Faith and hope are the only things getting me through the day.

The nights are the longest, filled with regrets, remorse, and a bunch of should have, would have and could have...

I wonder when black and white turned to gray?

I wonder when the day will come that I don't climb out of bed terrified of what the day will bring?

I wonder when the day will come when I can go to my Pastor in joy instead of sorrow?

I wonder if the darkness will ever lift?

I wonder when I will ever be able to just hug someone without shaking?

I wonder when the fear I battle daily will leave?

I wonder if I will ever not feel as though I am going to shatter at any moment?

I wonder when the day will come that I can breathe easier once again and look at the world through clear eyes instead of tear filled eyes?

I wonder when the day will come that I go to the Altar, take my Pastors' hand and don't break down in a teary mess, clinging to his hand so tightly, like he is my lifeline because I feel so unworthy?

I wonder how to stop feeling like yesterdays garbage?

I wonder how to take back all my power...The power over my emotions is still being held in my H's hand and I hate it and I can't figure out how to get it back?

I still wonder why we weren't good enough even though I know by now it isn't about us?

I wonder if I will ever be able to truly give 100% of myself ever again?

I wonder if I will ever "feel" loved again?

I wonder all this as I go to sleep at night...

I don't sleep good and then wake up scared each and every single day.

Because of the Faith I carry and the Hope I have, I realized that all this can go to Him as well.

Today I asked not for a lighter load but for a stronger back.

(((Hugs)))