My story, what to do next.

[digger22]

Well here's my story. Been with my wife for 14 years, married for the last 8. We have 3 wonderful children and 2 very demanding jobs. I am self employed in construction and she is assistant ceo of a hospital.

The bomb was dropped in early oct that she was no longer in love with me and that their was nothing I could do to change her mind. Initially I went throught all the begging, pleading, crying, asking her how she could do this to the kids ect. ect.

When the bomb was dropped, It was like a woke up from some sort of hazy existince here on earth that I called my life. Since then I began to read about mars and venus, did the light her fire program. and signed up for every councelors email that I could find. 3 weeks ago I moved into a vacant house that we have, began eating right, exercising, and really feeling good about myself.

To be honest, their is nothing more that I want than to be with my wife and children, but I also realize that this may be possible. I am truly o.k with however this situation turns out, but I am hopeful for a reconcilliation.

[Gardener]

digger,
Welcome and sorry you're here, but here is the place to be and the people to be with.

Tell us more so we can help.

[digger22]

I have told her that I am o.k with whatever she decides, if she wants to work on us I will give it 100 percent effort and if she wants a divorce, I will sign the papers. I also told her that I will not file.

Currently I am laid off until March and she is still working 50 hr weeks. We have contact every day and this is where I am confused on what to do. I really want to be out of her life so that she can begin to miss me. I have agreed to come over at 5 am so she can go to work, and then leave when she comes home. We also have time together on the weekends and I'm not sure how to act. Should I be their to help her sort through her emotions. She keeps asking me to do husband things like take out garbage, carry heavy things, fill up her washer fluid ect. I feel used because I get nothing out of this and I think that she needs to learn how to take care of herself.

Any hints or suggestions on how to handle my situation with the living situation and the children would be helpful.

p.s we live right next door to each other which makes it kind of wierd

[digger22]

More info on my sitch.
W thinks that divorce will be fine for the kids. She says we don't have to do it like every other couple does. She wants me to have 50% of kids, wants me to be able to keep all my business assets (over 150k of paid for tools/eq.) She wants me to get at least half of our other assets.
She says that she loves me more than she loves the kids and that she wants to be my best friend. I tell her that she is confused and that ilybinilwy is a way to say that you care for me, but you aren't excited about me anymore. I told her that if she loves me so much, she should be able point out at least one thing that she did in the past 2 weeks that showed me love.
I went home to watch the kids this morning and I find a note saying to hang a shelf in d's room and change light bulb in garage. I want to write note back saying I am here to watch kids, not to be your handy man. I am extremely easy going, and am not real decisive. I feel that this may be part of why the bomb was dropped in the first place.
Do I need to be firm about this, or will I just come off looking like an ahole?

[soleil]

Hi there,

Did you suggest counseling to her as a couple? And she could have been the one to move out if she's the one who's all ILYBNILWY.

Keep up the good work with exercising and continuing your therapy.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Digger,

You need to move back into your own home immediately -- into your own bedroom, and into your own bed. If she is uncomfortable with that, then SHE can move out (altho tell her she is perfectly welcome to stay). Of all of the controversial topics around here (exposure, "snooping," etc.), this is one that always gets near-100% consensus: DON'T MOVE OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME.

It also has potential legal consequences, as she could get you for "abandonment." If you haven't already, you should contact a food family law attorney, preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues, and get at least an initial consultation to better understand your rights and responsibilities in your state.

NO, you should not be doing her little "honey-do" lists when you come over. She has chosen to run away from your marriage, and you are not there to be her personal handyman. If there's something that affects the kids' safety or something, or if THEY ask you to do something, then sure, but otherwise, no. Women tie their feelings of "love" VERY closely with their feelings of RESPECT, and right now, she doesn't respect you and doing things like that for her are only going to make it worse.

This is probably exacerbated by you being out of work right now.

If she asks you why you didn't do the things on her list, tell her you didn't want to, and you were busy doing thus-and-such (watching a movie, etc. -- preferably something with the kids). If she pushes you, you may want to say "I'm not the one who's trying to end our marriage here, and frankly I've decided that I no longer want to do "husband" things for you if you don't want me to be your husband. I have too much respect for myself to do that."

Have you checked to see if there is OM? Sure has some of the warning signs.

btw, I told my wife -- after several references by her to the same "I want to be best friends" thing -- that if our marriage ended this way (by her cutting and running, having an affair, and refusing marriage counseling), that I had no intention of being her friend, much less her best friend. This had a very dramatic effect on her, and she told me later when we reconciled that missing my FRIENDSHIP was a huge part of her decision to come back to the marriage.

Puppy

[Drew]

I made a very similar statement to my ex-wife about friendship:

"I am your friend within the context of this marriage."

You'd be amazed how powerful that can be.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Digger,

Sorry you are going through this. Glad you found this great site for support.


PDT is very wise and is giving you advise that has the greatest odds of working. What works is counter-intuitive. Read his post very slowly again:

You need to move back into your own home immediately -- into your own bedroom, and into your own bed.

I strongly recommend that you do this today. Every day you wait has a higher cost.

If she is uncomfortable with that, then SHE can move out (altho tell her she is perfectly welcome to stay).

I strongly suggest to be prepared to respond calmly when W reacts with anger. Calmly say "I have decide to sleep in my own bed."

It is critical to listen and validate. Calmly be a broken record: "I can understand why you would feel that way", "I must be hard to feel that way", and "I am sorry you feel that way". Focus on remembering everything she says, then post it here.

Of all of the controversial topics around here (exposure, "snooping," etc.), this is one that always gets near-100% consensus: DON'T MOVE OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME.

It also has potential legal consequences, as she could get you for "abandonment." If you haven't already, you should contact a good family law attorney, preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues, and get at least an initial consultation to better understand your rights and responsibilities in your state.

I agree. One caution: My lawyer advised "GTF out of the house". Against his advise, I stayed in the house until I had a 50/50 parenting agreement in place.

NO, you should not be doing her little "honey-do" lists when you come over. She has chosen to run away from your marriage, and you are not there to be her personal handyman. If there's something that affects the kids' safety or something, or if THEY ask you to do something, then sure, but otherwise, no. Women tie their feelings of "love" VERY closely with their feelings of RESPECT, and right now, she doesn't respect you and doing things like that for her are only going to make it worse.

This is probably exacerbated by you being out of work right now.

If she asks you why you didn't do the things on her list, tell her you didn't want to, and you were busy doing thus-and-such (watching a movie, etc. -- preferably something with the kids).

And do this as short and sweet as possible : "I did not want to." No other explanation. Then listen and validate.

If she pushes you, you may want to say "I'm not the one who's trying to end our marriage here, and frankly I've decided that I no longer want to do "husband" things for you if you don't want me to be your husband. I have too much respect for myself to do that."

beautify response.

Have you checked to see if there is OM? Sure has some of the warning signs.

btw, I told my wife -- after several references by her to the same "I want to be best friends" thing -- that if our marriage ended this way (by her cutting and running, having an affair, and refusing marriage counseling), that I had no intention of being her friend, much less her best friend. This had a very dramatic effect on her, and she told me later when we reconciled that missing my FRIENDSHIP was a huge part of her decision to come back to the marriage.

I would strongly suggest that you become skeptical of everything you believe. The WAS all follow the same "Script" when they have been seduced by OP. If you are strong enough to handle "The truth" right now, I believe it is important to do some snooping. I did not follow this advise and am now D. PDT did follow this advise and is reconciled. Face the ugly truth and do what works. Do the right thing.

[digger22]

I could get her to switch houses with me no problem. I just felt for the kids sake, I didn't want to cause them the pain of not having their mom, but looking back, wtf she is causing them to lose their dad.
Her thought's are that its better for the kids to grow up in an envirornment where the parents don't fight. I say that we both come from divorced homes, I want to make you happy, but I don't understand you and you don't understand me. Let's work on ourselves, get this relationship to the best place it could be and then decide if we should be together. She is going to counseling for herself right now, reading men are from mars, listening to light his fire, reading a book on patience (which is something she has absolutely none of) she just started working on herself so that I am hopeful to see some realization soon. Her current statement is that "I like who I am" (100% sure she won't feel the same way in a while)

WAW's out there can you help me answer this?
when my wife dropped the bomb, my initial reaction was that we need to figure out where we went wrong and work on our problems. Her responce was that I have been working on it for 14 years and now I am done. I immediately say that my car can break down, I pull it into the garage and begin working on it for 14 years, but if I don't know what's wrong and don't have the tools to fix it how could I ever expect to get it running again. she is not impressed with my story. i thought it was a very accurate assesment of the sitch.

thanks for all the support
all your help is appreciated.

[Ready2Change]

2X4- It is not about getting her to switch. It is about you making a decision (without asking her) and taking action.

"I have decided __________ " with no explaining.

You chose to move out. Choose to move back in. What is best for the kids is best for you. It is best for you to be in the house. It is best for them to see you stand up for what you believe in.


It is good she is reading those books. I strongly suggest you read the books also.