After an extremelly busy week I'm back reading all the posts that I missed and as usual trying to go back to the first messages on the threads, but I still find it a bit confusing sometimes. What can a person do here to find a thread that just started??? LOL just joking I do find lot's of excellente ideas and advice in this site and it is comforting sometimes to come here and remember that I"m ot the only person in the world going trough this.
But my post today doesn't have much to do with my own situation:my husband's affairs, at least not directly. It's more like a surprise/shock revelation... not even revelation because I already knew how easy was for things like this to happen, but it certainly scared me at first!!!!
I have this best friend. We grew up basically together - at least everytime I was in Portugal we were together. Our parents were also great friends and we used to spend so much time together. When I was away from Portugal, we used to write to each other and keep in touch.There is a special caring for each other born from sharing so much of our past. This friend is a man. Well he is a man now, he was a little boy when we became friends LOL. Because we are so close, we share many things. He seems to know when I need some support and is always there with a nice word or some crazy story to make me smile. Likewise I can feel when something is not well with him.
He's been married for as long as I have and his wife is also an old friend.
A few years back, when he was seriously ill and had to stay home he bought a computer and we kept in touch by email regularly.
I talked to him about Rui's first affair, and about this second one as well. We shared ideas and tools we found useful in working on our relationships and he was there for me again.
A few months ago I received an email from him that got me a bit puzzled, but maybe I was too involved in what was happening to me too really read the "small print". He was telling me how much he was finding himself thinking about me and my problems and how much he would like for us to be closer so he could help more. He already does a lot, but on the other hand it seemed a normal comment and I didn't think about it anymore.
He had some hard time with his health again and I kept in touch more often.
A few weeks ago, I had another surprise email where he was telling me how upset he was that his wife wanted to use the computer while he was writing to me and couldn't she just stop and let him write. - yeah.. I know some of you are getting the idea by now......
Still I wasn't picking up the signs yet. Pretty naive coming from someone that is actually trying to help a husband to recognize boundaries huh?????
MOre messages about time spent together in the past, wishing we could be closer still, the fact that he prints my messages to read on the train on the way home, how much he misses them when I don't have a chance to write and a... what if! what if we hadn't married who we did ? Maybe we would have ended up toghether huh??? And I'll call you next week, I miss your voice!
Ok.. I can't be dense for too long. Now this scared me. It wasn't on the program and I certainly wasn't doing anything for this.
SO when he called on tuesday we had a long talk. ABout 2 hours long distance LOL GOod thing we're both quite logical people. THere was indeed a pattern starting and neither had actually noticed it.We reafirmed boundaries dicussed some of the things happening and got back on the "friendship" track. But all this got me thinking. It is indeed very, very easy to get caught in a situation that we're not planning and might not even notice until it's too late. The other side of the coin is of course what we do with it. It would be easy to keep getting more and more attached trough those emails and who knows where it could end, I've seen and heard of way to many affairs starting like this. Indeed the fact that he was taking much more time for our friendship than for his own family and relationship can in itself be considered some sort of an affair already. The fact that I was relying so much on his support could certainly be considered an escape from the difficult times in my own relationship and an affair as well. Just that it wasn't, but it could very well be in the way to become one....so...when do you cross the line???? DOn't know that one, but know that once we realize what is happening it is our response to it that counts. HOw we react to it and deal with the whole situation. Now, it was so easy to talk and reafirm all the boundaries that we had stepped over without noticing. What makes it easy for some people and impossible for others? My H assures me he wasn't looking for an affair, and that when he realized what was happening it was already late. And he wasn't able to get out of the situation. So what made it so difficult for him to jump back into the line of acceptable? How come he wasn't able to go" oops.. I crossed over by mistake, let me correct this now before it gets even worse." ?
AM I rambling again? I know I have the tendency LOL
Still wanted to share this with you. Specially with the people still struggling with the "how come it happened?". I already knew and understood well how easy it is to happen, but having it almost happen to myself made it even more clear. Most people certainly don't go around looking for an affair. And a lot of people get caught on one before they even had a chance to think about it. But again.. it's what you do with the realization that you're there that makes the difference.
And I'm stopping here for now. My soon his asking for help with his homework and a snack so I'll be back later. Hugs to all nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
so I'll be back later.