Trying to move on

[C-Bart]

CTH,
Well it sounds like you have decided to move out of limbo land. First let me say good job. Now let me add a word of caution. Make sure that when you are talking to your W you are coming from a position of strength and self control versus an emotional outburst. This could come off as a simple escalation versus a loving decision if you are not in the correct frame of mind. Think loving boundaries and taking control of your life versus manipulating, punishing or controlling her.

[C-Bart]

Lotus and Gima,
50% is better odds than I have currently!

I think this is a hard one to quantify. After all there are different types of WAS. Also one of the underlying themes of troubled marriages is lack of hope. I guess hope and having and open mind and heart are not one in the same.

My W is open to going but does not have much (any) hope that things will change. That being said she jumped at the opportunity to attend. In fact she had a sitter lined up within an hour of our conversation.

She also has no idea of the man that I have become. It is amazing what time can do.

I'm hoping she will be presently surprised with the entire experience.

[Lotus]

C-Bart, you are so right. Lack of hope is a marriage killer. Good thing is, hope is contagious. I think it may be one reason Retrouvaille is effective. When you hear the stories from the presenting couples, you cannot believe that they reconciled. But there they are, sitting in front of you, with tears in their eyes, holding hands while they tell their stories. If they can do it, you can too. That's the message that I heard.

[mishka422]

The finances are just such a mess. Essentially she'll owe me a lot of money but have no way to get it -- so I don't know how that works.

FYI CTH - The final decree means exactly diddly squat. If they can't pay what they owe you, too bad. No one is going to come after them for it, you can't garnish their wages for it (only CS can be garnished by you), the credit card companies could care less what your decree says they will come after whoever is making some money and take it. Example, all of our credit cards were joint accounts. The decree gave me CS (of which I get less than 1/4 of what he was supposed to pay due to job loss), he was to pay all of the legal costs (never got a cent), he is supposed to pay 1/2 of all credit card bills (I've never seen one cent and the cc companies will not work with me and I can't pay them). If you are not prepared to take on ALL costs including possibly the mortgage on a house you are not living in, then don't file until you sort all of that out.

Trust me, the courts will do nothing for you other than cement your time with your kids. Everything else is a free for all. The judge will sign off on virtually anything regarding finances because they know that it won't be enforced by the law. It's civil. It's totally up to you to enforce all by yourself.

Good luck with that.

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka. That's what I'm afraid of and I'm going to have to talk to the attorney about that. Here's my thought. If at the very, very least I get joint physical custody and then we are just splitting expenses and there's no child support, I can live with that. That's $370 a check I wouldn't have to turn over.

There's always bankruptcy. I have my place to live and my car and I'm on my credit union board of directors so when I need a loan in the future I think I'll be OK.

Really, the one thing, the ONE THING that is giving me pause is having to explain to the girls why it was me who filed.

In a way, isn't that proof I'm doing the right thing? That I'm only willing to stay in limboland for the sake of the girls.

[ClingingToHope]

Weird feeling today. The L is supposed to call me this afternoon. My resolve starts to crumble but then I imagine W out partying 'til the cows come home on New Years and it gets my focus back.

Just saying the words "I want a divorce" is going to be difficult.

[C-Bart]

Weird feeling today. The L is supposed to call me this afternoon. My resolve starts to crumble but then I imagine W out partying 'til the cows come home on New Years and it gets my focus back.

Just saying the words "I want a divorce" is going to be difficult.

So you're saying that you are filing for divorce because your W went to a party?

Your resolve is crumbling because you are using anger as a motivation.

Do you think you would be less angry when your XW goes to a party next new years eve?

You really need to talk to your wife about changing your original agreement. There are multiple reasons for this the biggest being that if a court sees that what you have in place is working they will not change it. Do this before you file because after you cross that line it is war and you are dealing with a ticking time bomb.

By the way, when you calculate CS the non-custody parent should get credit for the days they have custody. So if you have 50% custody you should get a % of from the established 26% you stated in a previous post.

[MHL]

CTH,
I would hold off also, my W contacted a lawyer and it is turning into something neither of us wanted and it feels so out of control. Maybe you could just go for a consultation get a dose of reality of the divorce process. There are other forms of moving on, acceptance etc. Deep breathing, don't do something you might regret later.

[ClingingToHope]

Well, I'm getting my first dose of reality. W would have to agree to 50/50 joint physical custody. If she doesn't, courts in our county don't order 50/50. They pick one house and the other gets visitation rights.

I'm meeting with my L on Wednesday and he'll break down my options.

[ClingingToHope]

Do you think you would be less angry when your XW goes to a party next new years eve?

Yes. It's much different if it's your ex-wife out hanging out with the townies than your wife.

Don't you think?