Any tips to deal with Jealousy on my part

[HHIF]

Allot of what you have said sounds so much like what I have been through.We have been married 26 years currently living together like roommates after a six month seperation and her filing for D then changing her mind we have now been back together almost 2 years.

I have always been very jealous even though she never gave me a reason to be,that jealousy and control finely caused her to say she had enough,felt smothered and then came the ILYBINILWY.

She went to her 25th class reunion for a weekend without me and I of course questioned her about every little detail of what went on and even though I really believe that she did nothing wrong except enjoy herself with old friends,I couldn't let it go,I let my jealous mind create all these worse possible things that could have went on and drove her right out the door.
I have no proof of OM,she did go through a time where the cell was never out of her sight and I suspected maybe a EA but I think once again it was be being insecure and jealous.

Since finding this site and started DBing,things got better because I learned to back off of her and focus on GAL.It's funny when I stop pursuing she is allot more talkative and tells me things without me asking.

As of now we still have no physical contact except every now then when she lets me know she wants some and I have no problem taking care if that itch even though it's just sex not making love.

I believe all of this is both WAW together with MLC and I am hanging in there and waiting for her to make it through to the other side.

The jealousy thing will make you and her crazy if you don't get it under control.

[g450]

I hear ya HHIF. And Im glad you are at least still together.

Ironcally I really hid my jealousy so it was not really an issue during our 22 year marriage. In fact, I really wasn't jealouse at all until now.

This only recently started with the bomb being dropped. I figured that an OM would make sense since I could not comprehend her just simply "falling out of love" with me. And her secretive phone calls and facebook thing is what set me off and sparked my suspicions.

But she may be going throught the midlife change and may very well feel that she does in fact no longer love me.

I guess Im just having a hard time coming to terms with this.

Once she moves out in two weeks I will go gray and stop persueing. Its just too hard not to persue while she is living in the same home as me right now.

We will see what happens when we are separated. Wish me luck.

[HHIF]

I didn't want the seperation but it did do me good,it gave me time to step back and do allot of reading and praying.

I do wish you luck,like me you have allot of years together and it is really hard to understand when the woman you have spent you life with and at one time was very much in love with you now is ready to just walk away.

This site and reading DR helped me realize that I shouldn't pay much attention to things she says or does because it is kind of like a alien took her over and I'm just being patient and waiting for her to go through this and hoping she realizes what a good life and husband she has been blessed with.

But she does have to go through it herself and her way,no matter how much I want to show her and help her I can't,she has to do it herself and her way.

[newmama]

figured that an OM would make sense since I could not comprehend her just simply "falling out of love" with me. And her secretive phone calls and facebook thing is what set me off and sparked my suspicions.

You are correct. Unfortunately many many As have one or both of these components in common.

But she may be going throught the midlife change and may very well feel that she does in fact no longer love me.

During the time she is with OM she probably feels this way but it is not permanent!

Once she moves out in two weeks I will go gray and stop persueing.
Its just too hard not to persue while she is living in the same home as me right now.

I do know for a fact that it is hard to not pursue while she is there, BUT I strongly suggest you take one day at a time and give yourself a goal each day related to being gone or being distracted or not appearing sad...you will feel so good about yourself if you do any or all of these things NOW. It will help you prepare for when she leaves, too. In fact, maybe she needs help packing? You could box up some of her stuff for her without her asking.

((g450))

[g450]

Well she is all packed up. I was planning on taking the day off to help her move. Most people are telling me not to help her but I disagree.

I want her to see me as the good guy during the move before I go grey or black. Still waiting on my darn DB book to arrive.

From what I can tell, she is in fact having an EA with somebody over the phone / internet (listented to her talk to this person). But I see no evidence of any current or past PA. Still scares that crap out of me thinking that it's possible.

The person she is having an EA with may not even be male (not that this matters). I just don't know. Not knowing is torture for me. She is very convincing when she assures me that there is nobody. But from what I read here, WAW's and MLC wifes can be good liars. I really want to believe her. All I can do is give her the benefit of doubt.

She has been acting a bit strange this weekend. She spent all day cleaning the kitchen and oven etc. I told her she didnt have to bother with that. Ironically, in the 20 years we lived there, the place never looked that clean.

[newmama]

Most people are telling me not to help her but I disagree.

I want her to see me as the good guy during the move before I go grey or black.

Whoa, have you read Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair?" He says to do this! check out marriagebuilders.com.

Can she afford to go stay at a motel until her apartment is available? I made WH do this and it was way less painful to not see him glowing with anticipation for his new life.

.

She is very convincing when she assures me that there is nobody. But from what I read here, WAW's and MLC wifes can be good liars. I really want to believe her. All I can do is give her the benefit of doubt.

I was 100% sure that my WH was "just friends" with OW because he assured me repeatedly until her exH started sending nasty texts and he finally confessed. My WH was an angel before all of this so I really wanted to believe him.

g450, I only tell you this because, believe it or not, you might feel some relief knowing all this weird behavior is due to an A AND NOT BECAUSE OF YOU. I know I felt relief at knowing the truth.

She has been acting a bit strange this weekend. She spent all day cleaning the kitchen and oven etc. I told her she didnt have to bother with that. Ironically, in the 20 years we lived there, the place never looked that clean.

guilt.

Again, if your W is having an MLC induced A, you have very good odds at R after she goes through her journey. (if you want her back)But if you do not make self improvements the R won't last. So get started after you mourn the loss of your old marriage. Self improvement also helps to take your mind off of her and prepare for a new life if that is what happens.

[P17]

Well she is all packed up. I was planning on taking the day off to help her move. Most people are telling me not to help her but I disagree.

You may do. But they tell you that for a reason ... they know better. Let her move herself. You are just being needy, clingy and really really nice ... not what she wants. Take advice, you've not been through this before. We have. Take advice or ignore it. It's up to you.

It's really cool though because your W is having an affair and you help her move. You're such a nice guy. What does she have to do to not help her move?

I want her to see me as the good guy during the move before I go grey or black.

She won't see you as a good guy regardless of what you do,. She will see you as needy, clingy and a guy who help's her move out ... she will see you as a sap, nothing more.

From what I can tell, she is in fact having an EA with somebody over the phone / internet (listented to her talk to this person). But I see no evidence of any current or past PA. Still scares that crap out of me thinking that it's possible.

Then why are you accepting this?

The person she is having an EA with may not even be male (not that this matters). I just don't know. Not knowing is torture for me. She is very convincing when she assures me that there is nobody. But from what I read here, WAW's and MLC wifes can be good liars. I really want to believe her. All I can do is give her the benefit of doubt.

Oh, they are not good liars. They are PERFECT liars. She is lying to you.

She has been acting a bit strange this weekend. She spent all day cleaning the kitchen and oven etc. I told her she didnt have to bother with that. Ironically, in the 20 years we lived there, the place never looked that clean.

What does your gut tell you? Accept what it does and move on from there ...

[g450]

Your right. I should not help her move.
I guess my problem is that I want to believe her.

The EA could also be an old girlfriend but still an EA.
I just don't have any proof that she is lying.

I will take your advice to heart and simply go dark.
It's all I can do at this point. As far as 180s, and GALing. Im a doing that now. But I am having a hard time detaching. This will be easier once she is out of my home.

I don't have my DB book yet so most of what I am doing I learn from here and lifetwo.com. Thanks all. Ill keep posting any progress or otherwise.

[chatterbug]

Remember the stick of Plan A.

If I was you I would start to date right now. Before she leaves.

Get dressed up and start going out right now. Act as-if.

Let her know what she is losing.

Also let her know what is unacceptable.

Hiding the phone. Trip away without you. Tell her you are going to see whats out there since she is.

When she counters that. Put your hand up and say " Enough. I have decided that since I am single I am going to see whats out there."

Read up on some Robx posts to get the idea.

[HHIF]

I helped mine move her stuff to the condo she was going to,we had friends trucks along with mine.

One of the guys did say he didn't know how I could do this but I didn't want to sit around and act mad or pout and yes I did want to see the place that she was moving into.

After that I backed away and left her alone but she had friends telling her she was crazy for leaving and I think the guilt of our kids being here and her moving out got to her and she was moving stuff back in in less than two weeks.

I played it cool and we stayed under the same roof and for a few weeks before she said she couldn't take it and needed to leave.

I then made a mistake and instead of saying go ahead and run again,I thought about our kids and told her to stay here and I would move out.

That one lasted six months before she asked me to move back home,hindsight I should have let her go,I made it to easy on her by letting her stay here with the kids.

So now almost two years later we are here in limbo land living like two roommates with our kids.