Wed. Dec. 23 - H came home for lunch. I initiated a quick convo with H telling him that H's dad went to the movies that day with H's bro-in-law and nephew (something H's dad had never done before, and to let H know his family was visiting). H just acknowledged and asked if I was getting ready to go down to his parents which I affirmed.
I did some shopping and then spent the rest of the afternoon and evening at H's parents with his visiting family. Got home around midnight and H was still up doing laundry. I went in my room for a while and left my door open and was about to go out to the kitchen as H was walking into my room. H wanted me to watch/listen to a music video on my computer and I did. I finished putting away some items in the kitchen and H asked me if I was going camping. I said "Possibly." H "Well, I might need to take one of the sleeping bags." I didn't have any response to that because we have two sleeping bags, one of which is his, so I had no problems with that. We just chatted a little bit more and then went to bed.
Thursday Dec. 24 - I got off work around 2:30 and went home to finish packing and leave for my weekend camping trip. Open the garage door and missing from the trailer where I had everything packed on it were BOTH sleeping bags. My blood begain to boil and instantly I picked up the phone and called H. H answers and I say angrily "Where are the sleeping bags?" H "I told you that I was taking them." AFG "No, no, no, we both know that's NOT what you said. You said you "might be taking ONE of the sleeping bags." H "you never said yes or no if you needed them so I took both of them when I found out I was gonna be sleeping on the floor" and then silence for a minute and then "I don't know what to tell you. You can take some money from my account and go buy one." AFG starts yelling "I'm so sick of this BS!" (because in my mind I'm thinking he took both of them, one for him and mine for OW to use) H interjects "What BS?" AFG "I can't take anymore of this." and I hang up on him.
H calls me back few mins later and I didn't answer. I had gone to total, full-blown meltdown mode. How I didn't manage to smash or break anything in this house is beyond me because I threw my shoes in his room and starting screaming and crying at the top of my lungs. I don't think I've ever felt so much rage and utter agony and despair in all my life. I just wanted to take everything of his and throw it outside and then go buy a sledge-hammer and smash it all to pieces. In the middle of my meltdown I went to the drawer in his room where he is keeping all of the cards from OW. A new one was in there and she said "ILY" on it and in it now, which was new. I'm sure that came about from their long weekend tryst in the mountains (gag and puke). And then also about how excited she was for H to be spending Xmas and NewYears right next to her. I made a copy for the lawyer. But then I decided no more, it's getting way to much for me to handle seeing anything more like that. I can't go into his room anymore at all. I went for six months without digging or searching and then now for three weeks I've had to know and see all of this stuff that my brain can now not undo. It's all locked in there for good and it totally sucks.
After I calmed myself down a little bit I listened to the voicemail H left - "hey the checkbooks sitting there up on the desk in the office if you want it if that's gonna help, um, take that, you said you needed to get a phone anyhow, i would rather you do that than kinda guestimate, then at least you have an exact amount that you need to take out..anyhow please call me back and let me know, bye". I never called H back. I called Mom-In-Law and she helped calm me down further, also told me to go buy the most expensive sleeping bag I could find, lol. It sucks because I know she tries to stand strong for me and let me cry on her shoulder, but I know inside how hurt, angry, disappointed, sad, and upset this is all making her and the rest of H's family as well.
Left for camping and didn't get home til Sunday evening. I had a great time and so glad I went. Didn't end up buying a sleeping bag but did transfer $300 from H's account to mine for a new cell phone and gas/groceries.
Monday Dec. 28 - I was home cleaning, doing laundry, and putting everything away from my camping trip. H came home at lunchtime. I was sitting at kitchen bar eating my lunch. H walks past me and then turns around and says "Oh and by the way, if I'm expected to answer my phone when you call, then you better start answering when I call you. I tried calling you back like six times on Thursday and left a voicemail and sent you a text message and you never responded." AFG "I got one phone call and your voicemail. I've told you that my phone isn't working, that's why I have to get a new phone. I never got your phone calls or text. Plus I was in an area where my phone was dead all weekend." H "I called you on Thursday, not over the weekend." AFG annoyed "Fine, whatever. I took $300 from the account." H "What? Why?" AFG irritated "For my cell phone and for groceries."
H was in the office with his lunch getting on his computer. I went and pulled up a chair and sat across from him. To summarize - I told him that I think it's time he move out, go live with OW, go live wherever, I don't care anymore at this point but it's too much on me with him living here. I think he's mistaken my willingness to keep peace and be cordial with each other as my acceptance that I'm ok with his choices and decisions and behavior. Reiterated that I am NOT ok with it and that for him to come home and be friendly and laughing, joking, having conversations with me, sharing this music or video with me, watchcing a movie with me, causes too much confliction inside of me and I need to be away from him, not see him, and not talk to him. Told him that when he is ready to start being honest and open with himself and me about what is really going on inside of him and the real issues at hand with what is going on in his life (elluding to his addiction), then I will be more than willing and ready to listen to him. H said he knew that's what I was going to think, that he was going to move to the other city to live with OW, but said in almost a disgusted tone that that there was no way he was going to live with her (I just had to laugh to myself inside, knowing that I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth now). H told me Ok to his leaving but that he'd need some time. I asked how much time. H asked to give him a week. I agreed that that was reasonable. H also tells me that he's going to still have his mail come here. This was interesting because 1) He'd already given it thought as to what he was going to do with his mail, almost in preparation of this 2) He can have his mail forwarded anywhere to where he is, or get a post office box, so why the need to have it continue coming here....hmmm the only excuse left to have to come over, still have interaction with me?
I get up to leave the area and H with friendly, conversative tone "So, what cell phone did you end up getting?" Explained that it was on backorder and hadn't come in yet, but in my mind I'm thinking wtf? is he that crazy, after what I just got done saying and the tension throughout that convo and it's like instantly back to friendly mode with him.
Few minutes later in the kitchen H is about to leave to go back to work - H "Did everyone have a good time camping?" AFG sighing and thinking I can't believe he is still doing this, "Yes." H "Did you buy a sleeping bag?" AFG "No." H "Did you need a sleeping bag?" AFG annoyed "Yes, I needed a sleeping bag, but I didn't go buy one." H leaves.
Later that evening another convo ensued when H was in the living room on his phone receiving and sending texts. I had had enough of this too and said to H firmly "I'm NOT ok with you receiving and sending texts anymore out here. If you want to use your phone you'll have to do so either in your bedroom or in the garage." H gets all huffy "I can't wait to get out of here. You're just being petty now. If you don't like it, you can leave the room." AFG firmly standing her ground "No, I'm sorry, but these are common areas that we share and I don't have to be subjected to it anymore. You can use your phone in your bedroom or the garage but not out here. I don't use my phone out here and I expect the same courtesy in return." H "I don't care if you use your phone out here or not, it doesn't matter to me." AFG "Well, I DO care, and it DOES matter to me." while H is looking at his phone like he is texting. AFG stands there and stares straight through him. H looks up and says "What?" AFG "If you want to continue doing this, there will be consequences." H "Oh, so you're threatening me now?" AFG "No, this is not a threat. I am making you aware that your behavior and choices will have certain consequences." H irritated "Fine." and shoves his phone under the pillow next to him. H "Oh and I have something for you." and gets up and huffs away to his room. I stand there and wait and H comes back to living room and hands me the pair of shoes that I had been wearing on Thursday during my meltdown. H "You left these in my room." AFG "No, I actually threw them in there." H "Why?" AFG "Because I was angry and frustrated and I felt like throwing them." H looked at me kinda tense, but also smirking/laughing, and kind of like intriqued/flattered that I had given some real emotion/action (old AFG) to the sitch.
AFG takes the shoes and about to walk away and H "Oh, and you are NOT to be here when I'm moving out." AFG "Ok, I will try arrange my schedule for that." H "No, you WILL arrange your schedule to not be here." AFG "Ok." and walking into kitchen I say to H "And OW is NOT to be here to help you move out, just so we're clear on that." H sarcastically "Oh yeah, like I'd do that." I'm thinking did he honestly just say that, he has totally LOST it I think.
AFG a few minutes later "I think you are having a hard time with certain boundary issues and appropriate behavior lately. H scoffs "Oh, that's laughable. You're the one with boundary issues." then H goes on a little rampage of how what I was doing right then with him was part of why we're not together anymore and on and on. I sat down and calmly listened to him and validated and agreed with him on many of the issues he brought up. I also was able to say to him that I'm angry and hurt that he gave up and quit on our relationship and also that I feel abandoned and betrayed. H also made some comments about what about him is so horrible and bad and it's not like he's out on drugs or something. AFG "Well, yes you are, you are doing your drug of choice." H looked a little sobered by that remark because I have not just come out and said what I do know to be the truth but have continually said throughout our recent convo's that we both know the truth and what's really going on. I basically finished by telling H again that I truly hope he can get himself help at some point and do the real work at that time so he can have a healthy and good life, as that's all I've ever wanted for him. And that when he's ready to be open and honest and if he feels like I'm someone he can still trust and confide in, I'm there for him. Then I went to bed.
Tuesday Dec. 29 - I couldn't believe it but I FINALLY got a phone call back on a job prospect. The first phone call I have received back after months of job searching now. It was from one of my resume submissions from like two weeks ago as well. I was thrilled. When I was able to return the phone call I didn't reach the person directly but was given the message from the person that she would be calling me first thing the next morning. Again, so excited. Since my finding a full-time job was such an important issue to H, I decided I wanted him to be the first one I told of this news.
I was in the kitchen making dinner when H came home and was rushing through in his hurried/tense energy (because we aren't being "friendly" now). As he was leaving I said with smile, friendly and relaxed "Got a minute?" H rushed and kinda annoyed "Not really." AFG "Well, there's some news that I decided to let you be the first one I told." H stops and looks at me before opening the garage door to leave. AFG "I FINALLY got a call back on a job prospect. And it's with (medical office's name). I didn't get to talk to the person who called me yet, but she said she would call me again first thing tomorrow." H softened and interested "For what position?" AFG "They have a couple of different positions available, so I'll find out which one they are looking at me for." H nicely "That's good." and then leaves for the gym.
H came back about an hour and half later. Packed himself some of the dinner I made and left again. Had a feeling he would be back, that he probably went back to work and sure enough he came back home around 11:30 that night. I was in my room on my computer for a while. I had a couple of sex addiction therapy/recovery websites with some personal blogs that I had saved a little while ago. Decided for some reason to email two links to H. I never email H, can't even remember the last time I did. But I didn't put a subject line or any signature or words in the email. Just the two links and hit send. Maybe he'll just delete it or whatever, but maybe someday when he's ready it'll be another tool for help for him.
Wed. Dec. 30 - I got a phone call back from the job prospect and had a phone interview, then was asked in for a regular interview on Monday of this coming week, yipee! I sent a text to H "So excited! - Had a phone interview with me and then asked me to come in for an interview first thing Monday morning." Never got a response, as expected.
I cleaned the house and then H came home for lunch. I was in my room getting ready and never saw him, just heard him out in the office and kitchen. I went back to H's parents house to spend time with visiting family again. H's bro-in-law then decided he wanted to go up by himself to our house and see if H was there. H hasn't seen him in a couple years but they were really close when H was growing up. I stayed down at the in-laws and didn't tell anyone where bro-in-law had gone.
Bro-in-law came back a couple hours later. Told me he that H had been home and he was able to talk to him. Basic message that bro-in-law wanted to relay to H was that he and the family still love him and hadn't given up hope on him. Bro-in-law said H was receptive and not angry during their convo. I was very moved and appreciative to bro-in-law.
When I got home after midnight, H still had laundry going but was in his room with light on and door closed. I just went to bed.
Thursday Dec. 31 - Got up in the morning and was in kitchen making myself breakfast before H left. H came into kitchen briefly before leaving. I asked for the iron and ironing board back that he had taken from my room, which he went and got out of his bedroom for me. Other than that, not another word was said to me and I could feel the tension in the air but I wrapped up half of my egg sandwich I had made and left it for him by his work shoes and went in my room to get ready for work. When I left later, he had taken the sandwich with him.
I got off work early and came home. As I was unloading my car, H pulls into the driveway too. We both go in the house and are in the kitchen fixing ourselves lunch and doing this almost perfectly choreographed dance around each other without any talking whatsoever. Sometimes I think to myself that the air is still so charged with chemistry and tension and passion between us that if there was an accidental spark you would see a bolt of lightning strike between us body to body.
I went into the living room and ate with tv on. H ate in the office at the computer. The computer for H is likened to him sitting there with a needle in his arm shooting up heroin or sitting there drinking himself into oblivion with a 12 pack. It makes me so sad and a large part of the reason why I don't want him here anymore to have to watch him letting himself go down this road further and further. I fell asleep on the couch but heard the faint sounds of H's suitcase rolling out the door with him when he left.
I just spent the rest of the day and evening alone last night. Kinda just needed a time-out. Hopefully I'll get the divorce paperwork from the lawyer completed over the rest of the weekend.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Hit a bump in the road yesterday and last night. Ugh. Just fell into a depression yesterday and didn't leave the house despite being invited to get out. Maybe I just needed a day to wallow or whatever, I don't know. Not really how I wanted to start the 1st day of 2010, but oh well.
Last night, a little after midnight, and in the height of my loneliness, I was wearing a cute t-shirt that has a picture of Gumby standing with his arms up like he's shrugging and a puzzled look on his face and behind him faintly in the background is his horse Pokey. Above this is a caption that says "Looking for my Pokey". (Pokey was a nickname for H.) I took my cell phone and snapped a shot of just the caption and picture on the shirt (which I have to say, was tight on my boobs and little around my waist, couldn't believe how great I am looking with my weight loss) and then texted the pic to H - no words or anything, just the pic. I haven't done anything like that since before my DBing days and while I had a smile on my face when I did it, and knew in advance I would receive no response and didn't care if I did, I'm just kinda disappointed in myself that I gave him the time or energy to let him know I was thinking about him/missing him.
So - just needed to vent and tell on myself, lol. Ok, so I let myself have a couple days, it's time to get a grip and get out of this funk....ARGGGHHHH!
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
No pursuing Flower! You ARE sexy...and attractive and you don't need H to validate that! I know you're feeling down...trust me I've been feeling like crap lately too.
Pick yourself up - you can do this - we are all here to help each other.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Ok, you did it, but no more backslides! You deserve soooooo much better and you will get it with someone who is deserving of your love.
Since I feel guilty about hijacking Kara's thread with the shoe talk, I'll tell you here that I love, love, love your retail therapy! They all sound sassy. Wear them with a smile and know that you are a terrific, strong, sexy woman who is starting a new exciting chapter in her life.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Yes, AFG's shoe choices sound great. Wish I could see pics.
PH, you guys can hijack my thread anytime. Actually, its not a hijack, just friends who have never met hanging out and yakking.
AFG, I think your new shoes are saying a lot about your frame of mind. You strut it, girl!...These boots are made for walking, and that's what I'm gonna do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you. That song just popped into my head for some strange reason.
