For now, he needs to find ways to be a husband, partner and friend to you. It all takes time and you've been at this for a long time and I hear you about being frustrated, but you want him completely "done in the oven" before he returns. You don't want him at 80%, but you could settle for 99.9%. If he were to come home now, he would most likely run again. That would be so much more painful for you.
If you have time, try to do a search on DebM. Her husband was a bit like yours, i.e., standing in two ponds with toes in both. It took her husband a while to finally make the move home. Now, I want to caution you, if your h does return home and keeps his bags and boxes packed...don't unpack them! They need to have the control over this and they will do it when they feel like they can live within their own skin.
Control issues? He still perceives you as trying to fix things. You will need to step back, stop making suggestions and let him take the control back in his life. I know you are trying to help him, but he is seeing it as trying to tell him what you both are going to do. In other words, he thinks everything will be the same ole, same ole when he comes home...you the fixer, etc.
Do something different...don't be so readily available...let his calls go to voice mail and return the calls later. If he asks where you have been just say out or I've been busy working on whatever in your home. He knows that you are there for him, but he needs just a little nudge in knowing that you are not going to always be there at his beck and call and be his fixer. Can you do this?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
