Not sure if you've considered this aspect or not, so here goes. What's holding your W up from giving you the info you want could well be an unwillingness to face the depth and breadth of her own shame. It's a form of denial. And while denial does involve deceit, it doesn't quite carry the full weight of outright lies. Behind the shame is fear - fear of what you will think of her, fear of what SHE will think of herself and fear of what you will DO with the information she reveals.
Will you use it to bludgeon her with for the rest of her life?
Will you use it in a hostile divorce?
Will you use it to trash her name in the community?
Will you put it on a blog on the internet? etc.
If you can validate, and then alleviate, the fear and shame, she may move forward. Right now, you and she are in adversarial positions. Is there a way you can maintain your own boundaries and yet become a source of (emotional) support for her? Is there a way you can become a team instead of adversaries?
Yes, she does have to face her shame to move forward. She can do that best if she doesn't have to face any fears, rational or not, that you will rub her face in it.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
