Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Hello,

I’m new to post on the board but have been following others situations.

I guess I’m like many others, just looking for some advice. Here’s my story…sorry for the long post.

My wife and I have been together for 19 years and married over 12 years. We’ve had a wonderful marriage. A few years ago my business fell on hard times and went out of business. This caused my wife and I to go through some very difficult times, financial, etc. It was very difficult to lose something that I had built for so many years. For the past two years after my company closed I have not had a steady job. My wife asked me to get one and I know I needed to get one but for some reason I just couldn’t get motivated to do so. I have done some odd jobs on the side but not a steady job that I know my wife wanted me to get. She has had her job for the past two years.

My wife separated this October, she moved out. Three weeks later she told me she wanted a divorce. She said it was too late for her to work it out. She gave me the “I love you for the years we were together but that she doesn’t have those feelings anymore”. She told me that a person doesn’t change, meaning she thought I wouldn’t change. She was referring to my lack of a job mostly. I was in shock. We had such a loving marriage that I couldn’t believe my wife could just leave like this. This doesn’t seem like the woman I knew anymore. I’m so surprised how quickly she seemed to be moving with her decisions. She recently changed her last name back to her maiden name on some things. She also wants to discuss dividing our things. All of this since October? Can’t understand why she is moving so fast? Feel like this means no hope to save the marriage on the coming months?

She has said that there is no other man. I have talked with others close to her (family and friends)who have also said there is no other man. From what they have told me she left because of my lack of a job. She has always been easily stressed out with things. My wife told me that she was frustrated by my not getting a regular job in the past two years after my company went out of business. She told me I had two years and done nothing. I can completely understand this. I guess I wanted more support from her to help me as I was obviously having difficulty after my company went out of business.

My wife originally said she would go to marriage counseling but now tells me she only wants to go for closure. We haven’t gone yet. We haven’t talked about the marriage counseling for a month now. My wife has met with a divorce lawyer but nothing filed yet.

I did find out that my wife is going to individual counseling now. I’ve been going to individual counseling since my wife left in October. It has helped me learn many things about myself and my marriage. I learned that I suffer from depression. I’m on medication now and it has been a big help. I feel like I’m out of the fog. It’s too bad that I didn’t know I suffered from this years ago as I think I could have gotten treatment and my wife and I would still be ok. Since my wife left me I have taken this opportunity to work on myself. I recently got a good job.

My wife and I have had some contact but mainly through emails only. No relationship talk. The first weeks after she separated I emailed her with loving messages. I’ve since stopped and told her that I was going to give her space. I emailed her a couple weeks ago and told her that we had been through a lot due to outside circumstances. I said that I want to fight for our marriage. I said that I hope that she would consider MC with me. I told her that I didn’t expect her to reply but to just think about it. She hasn’t emailed me back yet.

One of her family members told me that she is just burned out and for me to give her some time and space. This person said that they believe I could get my wife back. I know this is not coming from my wife but this person has no reason to lie to me. He told me to work hard at my new job to show my wife I had made the biggest change she was looking for and to give it 6 months and then he thought it would be a good time to contact my wife. This person also told me that my wife is very private and hasn’t said much as to the reasons why my wife left. A mutual friend of ours recently told me that my wife informed this friend that my wife and I are separated. This friend said my wife never said anything about getting divorced and also said that my wife never said the she didn’t still love me. My wife told this friend that she felt like she just hit a wall. I recently found out that my wife set up a new email account and used her maiden name. We’ve only been separated two months. It seems so strange how quickly my wife is moving. She has kept my last name on all of her other things though. She tells me she isn’t angry but how else do you explain how fast she is trying to cut off any ties to me? When she moved out she left all of our pictures behind.

I’ve ready both DB and DR. I’ve done my 180s. I’ve gone NC for the past three weeks. We just went on vacation together this past September, one month before she left. I thought we had a great time but when I asked her she told me she didn’t have a good time. I don’t think I believe that because we both definitely seemed to enjoy our vacation together. So I don’t know how after such a long relationship and just having returned from a vacation together, how she just left one month later. I even thought we had a great week the week before she left.

I don’t know if my wife is a WAW or in MLC or both. We are both in our mid 30s with no children. I’m confused because my wife is acting so weird. As other have said on this board, I feel like shaking her and telling her to wake up. I truly believe that my lack of a job and our finances were the main reasons my wife left. I believe these should be easy things to fix if she was willing to listen and work on things. My counselor told me that I was in such a depressed place that it was very difficult for me to move forward without therapy and medication. I’m not trying to make excuses but anyone who suffers from depression will know what I mean. Now that I’ve been in therapy and on medication I feel invigorated again. I wish my wife could see this. I wish it would make a difference for her. I told her that this is lifelong change and not temporary. I realize she may need to see this consistency for a while first and that’s fine.

The hard part is being patient. I will show my wife my changes through consistency. I believe my wife still has love in her heart for me, although I sometimes don’t know anymore. She just changed to her maiden name on FB today. Seems like she’s saying this is the start of a new year and she’s taking steps to be rid of me, even in name.

So, do I ask her to MC now or wait a bit longer? I’m afraid that if we go together now she will not have an open mind and just reinforce her desire to end the marriage. Perhaps in a few months she would be more open? I’m hoping with the NC she begins to miss being together. I don’t know. Her family has said that my wife is doing ok right now. They also told me that my wife has no bad feelings towards me and wishes the best for me. I really dislike that comment. How can you wish the best for your husband when you left them? Anyway, I’m hoping that giving my wife space and showing her my consistent changes will help her realize that we do have a good marriage and it’s worth the effort.

Do most WAW go this fast to and take these steps in such a short amount of time? Does this mean there is no hope for reconciliation? I feel like dividing our things just puts another nail in the coffin for the marriage. I love my wife and I believe she might be experiencing depression of her own and possible MLC. I’ve read that is takes time for them to come back to reality. I’m willing to wait and be patient the best that I can but everything my wife is doing seems like there is no hope for the marriage. I don’t understand how they love you for so long and one day they leave you and don’t want to work on the marriage, not even talk about it?

Do I set boundaries now and say that I’m not ready to discuss dividing our things? Do I tell her that I want to talk in person about that when the time comes? I don’t want to push her further away but I don’t want to be weak and have her walk all over me. I’d like to ask her to counseling but know that now is not the right time.

Any advice is appreciated.