Well, I think I do need to mention amounts based on a lot of stuff from past history together. Specificity is a lot of what he was talking about when he said I was never clear about what I wanted.
"Help more with housework" is vague.
"I want you to take full responsibility for the dishes," is specific. In fact, unless I'm missing more than I think even the DB stuff says to get as concrete, quantifiable and specific as possible.
??
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Well, you know him better than any of us do! And I dont think that it will be received poorly by him based on where the two of you are right now. And if he wants more specificity, then certainly, give it to him.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Personally I wouldn't want to be told exactly what to do. I like the approach of asking to have your needs met with little "lets figure out the details together" thrown in. That way I would feel more included in developing the program as opposed to being told exactly what to do.
I like your approach Dia.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I'm here to wish the very best that 2010 has to offer to you and yours. 2009 was sure was a stinker, wasn't it? Thank God and Greyhound it's gone!
I have a whole bunch of stuff to post, but I'm going to have to do it in bites.
Short version - things are great! I did a DB session on my own, then the day after Christmas, H and I slipped in to see my most excellent IC in the desert for a 2 hr session focused on *drumroll* ... validating feelings.
So I've got stuff to share from both of those sessions, plus some of my own personal musings.
Here's the first of the latter as it applies to reconciliation...
The end of detachment, re-attachment if you will, is hard. And since it happens both quickly (for me) and under the radar, it's a perfect set-up for having it come out of nowhere and bite you in the arse!
Stuff that didn't used to matter all of a sudden does. Stuff you used to blow off gets under your skin again. And most of all, your self image very quickly becomes vulnerable to your partner's moods, feelings and perceptions of you. YIKES!!
It's an insidious slippery slope. Some of it is necessary for re-bonding, and some of it is a gold-plated opportunity to change old boundary patterns before they can become entrenched again.
In my case, when I was struggling so hard with H being invalidating, it really threw me. It felt as if he wasn't just invalidating my feelings or my perception of events and reality in general. It felt like he was invalidating ME. The message seemed to be, "Your feelings are worthless drivel, so *you're* worthless drivel, too."
And after two years of not letting him put that on me, all of a sudden I let him. And I didn't even realize I was doing it. All the crap that I was feeling, all of the labels I'd been expected to wear came out in spades. Unreasonable. Demanding. Hormonal. Over-emotional. Malicious. etc.
There are two - ok, three - parts to fixing all of that.
1) Realize it's happening.
2) Stop accepting the negative self-talk. Your partner might think or say that stuff, but as with vampire, it can't come in unless you invite it.
3) Work with the partner on the negative messaging.
We are currently doing all of the above. Or rather, I'm doing 1 and 2. *We* are doing 3.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I'm so glad you're doing well. I know you have a lot of people to catch up on, but can you take a look at my new thread when you get a chance, please? It would mean a lot to me.
