Hi guys! John, the reason was the fact that I said I was ready (finished coking) to go downstairs to my parents that had been waiting for us. He said "ok in a minute" but didnt make a move to get off the couch and get ready. So, I said "I am going downstairs, ok?" He got furious, saying I am controlling him or trying to and that "old habbits die hard". It was really out of context. He was already a bit edgy when he heard we were having dinner at my parents house, he never said he had a problem, he saw that I had not made the table, so I assumed he knew. He said he didnt and that I should have asked him. I thought that was stupid since the only thing I have expressed as a wish was to spend these times with my dad. So, he had no problem being with them, but he had a problem being in their house (he goes in and out 10 times a day). Weird. I think he was trying to set boundaries... K
... you may want to add something else to your new year's goals....stop saying things that will hurt him .... for example"
<<During our fight I used on purpose one of his fav phrases "you are the worst person I have met in my life and sadly I married you" Yeah I know... He didnt take it well and he was even more hurt when I said he just "plays the good person he is a rotten person inside" . Again something that really hurt me years ago. So, when we talked I asked him if he remembered how many times I had cried myself to sleep after being told I had a chitty soul etc etc... >>
What possible good can come out of this???
Have to agree with this one. Yes, he hurt you in the past. But bringing it up this way is very destructive. If you want to discuss past hurts, the middle of a new argument is the worst time for it. Find a mutually agreed upon time, say what hurt you and how you felt, hope for an apology, and move on. You cannot reconcile if every time you have a little argument, you try to murder your opponent.
Hi Lotus, I wasnt trying to murder him although that thought has crossed my mind in the past...
I was very upset when he said that I havent changed and I am the same old woman he knew... Which was completely uncalled for. Anyway, I admit it was a not very good moment of my piecing effort and I will control my mouth better from now on... K
Believe me, I used to fight that way too. I think it came from growing up with brothers. I always had to find ways to hurt them that didn't involve strength. He shouldn't be talking to you that way either. Perhaps at a happier time you two could discuss taking the personal attacks out of the arguments. It will entail identifying what constitutes a personal attack and making both people aware of them. I'll bet if you wrote these lovely things you say to each other down in a list, you both would admit that they are not at all true, and perhaps even laugh at them.
I was going to ask you to pay me some attention (PLEASE!!) in the next few weeks to guide me through issues of miscommunication that we definitely have. I can identify them, recognise them when they happen, but I lose "coolness" and cant "talk him through" them in a constructive way. MC is needed. For sure. K
Sounds good. I'd be happy to help. Just remember, the heat of argument is the worst time to bring things up. It's best to agree to a time when you are both relaxed to talk. And it's good to start by saying something nice, like "I appreciate that you did ____, (cooked a meal, watched the kids, bought the food you like, called your parents, went somewhere with you without complaining, etc.) Breaking the ice with a compliment sets the stage for a more receptive conversation.
Then try to make a problem statement without any accusation. Such as, "I think we need to be careful with the things we say to each other when we argue." See, no accusing there. Then see what he says. Always give him a chance to add to the conversation. Once you have laid out the problem, you can either define it further, such as both of you saying what kinds of hurtful things you think should be avoided. His ideas might be different than yours, so you do want to listen to what he says. Maybe have pen and paper ready to make a list with no emotion attached. Make sure that his ideas are written down as much as yours are.
Then you want to discuss solutions. Some possibilities -- no name calling, or saying "always", "never", try to avoid cursing, stick to the subject, etc. Maybe agree on a sign that either of you can do when one person crosses the line, something like a raised fist, or another easy to see physical sign. And agree that when that sign is shown, the argument stops right then. Remember your kids are learning how to conduct adult relationships by watching and listening to you. Do you want them to say these things to their spouses? anyway, when the talk is finished, kiss each other. Yes, kiss. At least hug.
Thanks Lotus!!! OK, that all sounds clear, simple and I think feasible. We did talk about it next day and we kind of agreed such convos didnt mean we were incompatible as he used to say (proof we shouldnt be together) and that we should watch our language (we dont curse or use bad language, we use hurtful language). We are still overly "careful" NOT to get into such conversations afraid that we will end up arguing... I guess I have to lead the way. K
PS The kids were downstairs. It was just the 2 of us but I know they watch closely how we interact...
Last edited by Kalni; 01/03/1009:47 PM. Reason: PS
My love! There are ways to continue to address pertentent issues w/out attacking. That is what your focus should be. You can learn to communicate w/out walking on egg shells. That should be a goal of yours.
Otherwise, I do see a lot of positive signs from H. He is opening up at his own pace, but what he's displaying is seeming to show you that he's aware of the need to be completely transparent.
Trust can be re-built, but it will take a lot of time.
I like what I'm reading, my friend!
RTL PS - Got the FB note and I'm in agreement. Will fill you both in on more details later this week.
