What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[bluerain]

Its Alaska time, Im an hour earlier than even west coasters. Why are you up so late? Besides, its my first day off in weeks, I need to milk it for as much as I can! Its not on DVD yet, but it starts in the theatres on the 8th.

[Sleepy]

Last night I was on call and was up all night. I had the opportunity to read and get to know some of you who had commented on my thread and get to know your sitches. I feel more connected to all of you now and I gained more self confidence and power by reading.

When I pray to God I ask Him for guidance. He has lead me here, to all of you.

I made a comment on Junco’s thread about exposing an affair. My W lead me to believe that it was the wrong thing to do and things would have worked out if I hadn’t. She brainwashes me by telling me that everything is my fault. Cutterbug chimed in and told me that exposing it was the right thing to do; Let her live with her guilt and cheating and expose her for what she really is. I didn’t do it to be vindictive or ruin her reputation, it just happened via careless whispers.

I have had the opportunity many times to stray. Secret admirers have sent me e-mails asking me to meet them somewhere, nurses have asked me out. I have received many temptations as a married man. Last night a nurse gave me her cell phone number. I never thought that my wife was one of those women. She said that she initiated the phone call to the OM to get this all started and then claims that I “opened the can of worms”. I resisted all that temptation and stayed faithful even though my marriage wasn’t that great. I felt that affairs were selfish and I would be hurting not just my wife but my children and my entire family.

I remember being moved by by a movie I saw a few years back called “The Family Man” with Nicolas Cage. He was hit in the head by a 2x4 and saw life for what it really was. There was a quote in the movie that I remembered “ once you make a deposit at the bank of infidelity you can’t cash out.” That is so true. I tried to make some changes after seeing it but they didn’t stick. My W needed to change too. I needed my own 2x4. I’m sure she has made efforts and I didn’t reciprocate and I made efforts and she didn’t reciprocate. We have never worked on the R together at the same time.

I was up all night and things started to die down at 6 am. In the past, I would have just gone to the call room and slept. But this morning I decided to do something different. I went home. When I drove into the garage, I got out of the car and my wife came downstairs in a panic. She seemed flustered. “You scared me. I didn’t think you would be home until 7”. She said that her heart was racing. I thought that’s odd?

I went inside and found all the lights and TV on. My daughter had some friends over for the night and they all had fallen to sleep on the couch. I thought “ What in the heck?” My wife is usually on top of this and it was totally out of character.

I went back up to her room and asked her what was going on and told her what I found. As I walked out I opened the bathroom door which was closed and just looked in. She took offense to that. I just walked out turned all the lights and TV off then went to bed.

I woke up at 11 am and my W came in the room explaining the situation. She demanded an apology from me. I was tired and didn’t feel like talking to her. I said both of us have trust issues. She said “I don’t have any trust issues,you do! ” I wasn’t going to apologize to her. I told her that she was acting weird. I just wondered why. She said “this is never going to work”

I walked away and almost asked her that we should go to the Retro weekend but I stopped. She followed me around asking me “what?” again and again.

I finally used the method to ask a spouse to counseling from the DB quotes R2C started. She said “I’m not going to that....That’s a Catholic seminar for those who want to save their marriage!”

I said “OK” and walked out. She followed me saying “ If you wouldn’t have kicked me out of our bed, I would have been able to stop those kids last night” I told her that I didn’t kick her out. She made the choice to leave. You can move back whenever you want. She replied “ When hell freezes over”........Man that hurt. I didn’t respond I just walked .

She has two friends. That's her only support group. Both of them think she is crazy. She says that there isn’t another man. She desperately wants to prove to me that this M is ending because of me. I just can’t believe it. I’m the only one trying to save it.

[Lotus]

Boy, for a minute there, I thought you were going to say you found a man in the house! Glad that didn't happen!

Unfortunately, there are women married to professional men who believe that they can get a nice alimony and child support payment by divorcing and don't need to live with the man at all. I'm sorry that your wife is not welcoming to you when you come home. She does sound closed minded on the subject on improving your marriage. That is a real shame.

[SpyBunny]

It sure sounds like she was up to something though, even if a man wasn't physically present. She wouldn't be so out-of-sorts if she was doing something innocent. Can you check her computer- maybe she was up all night chatting/webcamming/etc? That could explain inattentiveness to the kids even though she was physically at home (but mentally checked out).

[mindfull]

Doc... What Bunny said! I thought the very same thing when I read your post.

[Sleepy]

I don't think she was. She said that she went to bed at 11 pm and the kids woke up on their own at 1 am then turned on the TV. She is punishing my daughter. Of course, It was all my fault because I "kicked" her out of our bedroom.

She knows I am deleting history from my computer now and demands to know what I am doing. She says I can check her computer. She says she is transparent. I remain silent. There is no way I will expose this site.

I will remain dark and mysterious. It is killing her to find out what I am doing. I think it's best to let her mind think the worst.

I thought things were going better.

Her fantasy is that I divorce her, give her full custody of the kids, she lives in an expensive gated community without any change in her lifestyle $$ and without me.

I tell her that I am going to work part time so on my weeks I devote full attention to the kids when I get them. I wouldn't have to worry about nanny duty to get them to school and pick them up because of my work schedule. When she hears this she starts crying. "I will have to work full time and I will be a lousy mother" I now know she is trying to manipulate me.

Lotus is right.

[Lotus]

Lotus is right.

Can I quote you on that?

[givingitmyall]

Her fantasy is that I divorce her, give her full custody of the kids, she lives in an expensive gated community without any change in her lifestyle $$ and without me.

Welcome to the club.

Your job is to pop those fantasy bubbles little by little by calmly telling and showing her what the reality of post-D life will look like. As you pop them, she's going to be angry and tell you you are being unfair and unreasonable. And that will be the sign you are on the right track.

HER decision, but you help bring the reality to her in the way of real consequences.

[Sleepy]

Lotus is right.

Can I quote you on that?

Heck yeah!!!!

[Sleepy]

Today my W became suspicious about my phone and computer activity. I spent a lot of time recovering from my all nighter in my BR but she would pop in to my room and ask what I was doing. She pressed me to check the phone but I refused. I told her it is no business to her and was private.

I am detatching. This is what I have to do.

I went up to my sons room and we watched cartoons together. I fell asleep. Next thing I know she came up there and started cleaning up the room. I get a sense that she is following me around. After she woke me up, I stayed there a little then left and then went downstairs with my kids.

I will not let her know about this site. It has helped me so much. She asked if I was surfing Porno. I couldn't stay dark on that comment. I cracked up and so did she.

It looks like detachment is the way to go. I have the livestrong article and carry it with me. That is my next goal to maintain.