Moving on with my life!

[Startingover2]

Happy New Year!

Ok, the holidays are officially over. Now we can get back to 'normal'..whatever that is. I got my tree down yesterday and now all that is left are the outside lights that my son will take down when he gets back on Sunday.

Last night went better than I thought. I went to a quick dinner with a gf and her kids and then came home. She is the one I mentioned a few weeks ago with the alcoholic husband and the twin babies. She seems to be doing well and putting up boundaries. No file for D yet, but she is headed that way. She feels a strong conviction to not D because of her faith. I get that. I feel horrible for getting a D...like I let God, my children, and myself down.

Exh sent a text early evening asking what we were doing for the night. I said we hadn't decided yet. He said 'have fun' and never heard from him again. I did notice that MOW was off his FB again.

Getting back on schedule starting today. I will be civil and friendly, but not going to allow him to walk all over our schedule anymore. Holidays are over...time to see if it was just holiday blues for him.

Here is to a great 2010 for all of us!

[kassie]

Be careful about the regrets - I have stayed in my marriage for similiar reasons but and coming to believe that there is no shame in D esp when the partner has an addiction. I know it is an illness but when people are "sick" they usually seek help until they are better and can maintain their health. "A's" who are not sober or don't seek help or maintain regular support to sustain growth can't use that excuse as far as I am concerned.

You just need to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can in the situation and growing.

[Startingover2]

I agree with you Kass. An A not in recovery cannot use those excuses.

So exh is back to sort of hiding again. No big shocker. I guess he had some issues with his d15 on NYE. He hasn't seen baby more than 1 hour combined all week. Missed his visit yesterday and does have one this morning. We will see if he makes it.

I must look as pathetic as I feel. I was hoping on the outside it wasn't showing but I guess it is.
For the past week or two my mom has been telling me about these strange dreams she has been having that exh came to her and told her he wanted to get back with me! Now I know my mom isn't a dream person, but she was just fishing for information about exh and I. She asked me last week if this was a possiblity..I said no. He has his life the way he likes it.

So tonight I am at her house for dinner (again) and she asked me what baby and I did for New Years...I told her we went to McDonald's, came home and was in bed by 9 just like every night. She said she felt sorry for us! LOL

Then 20 seconds later she blurted out "I think you need to get back with exh" I just looked at her in amazement. I said number one he has a gf and a whole string of women. He doesn't want to get back with me..he just likes playing with me. He likes his life the way it is. She said I should ask him if he would be interested in getting back together! I had the same shocked look again and she said well you have been alone for almost 2 years now, nobody has wanted to date me and I am worried you will be alone. She said baby needs her father and I said what about all the things he has done? She said well maybe you can not worry about that.

Thanks mom! I feel like crap. I feel like she is saying to me exh..the liar, cheater, alcoholic, manipulator, cruelest man on this planet is the only guy I will get so just see if he will take me back.

Wow! Just wow! I know my mom worries about me being alone and not finding anyone again. Heck, it doesn't sound real appealing to me either. I guess what was so shocking is that she basically said if I could get exh back to look the other way regarding his cheating and drinking just so I wouldn't be alone. My mom is 88 years old, had a wonderful marriage to my father, and just doesn't get it.

[kassie]

I will second that opinion !!! She does NOT get it. I think she just wants you to be happy - but your exh cannot do that. You will find someone if that is what you want. Both my kids are rethinking the whole marriage thing... they have many close friends and full lives.

I think if I had friends like they did... I wouldn't worry about being with just one person either. They really take care of each other. In the past, before I got married I had friends who had decided to stay single and have full lives. My life was full then too... maybe again.????

[S.T. _I Made It!]

wow...ya, that's not good advice from your mom. I would love for you guys to be back together...in a HEALTHY way! you should reassure her that you do not need a man in your life to be happy. and if exH can't be the right father figure for your D, there are other men in your life that can show her what a good man is like and how a good man treats women.

obviously, she wants to help you and must think that you were happier when you guys were together with your problems, then you are now. what do you think? that is an important question I think.

also, I still think that your exh is trying. remember, we sometimes have to search really hard to see the good things that they do. is he still messed up? well, duh. but I still think deep down he wants his family, but he doesn't know how to make that happen, and doesn't know if he wants to do the work either.

so, no matter what, you still have that same goal...focus on you and your goals, keep your detachment, love him as God loves us, set and keep your boundaries, and encourage his good behavior. And then wait and let him prove by his actions if he's going to change or not. It's not impossible. nothing is impossible with God.

I think it was a great idea to invite him to church (make sure you don't show any disappointment to him if he doesn't, you just act like he missed out on something great) I think the more you encourage him to be involved with God, the better it will be.

He said I chased baby around so much that I didn't stop and visit. I wanted to say someone had to watch her...he was sitting in the chair. I didn't say that of course, but did say she is my child and I cannot let her just run amuck.

wanted to mention, isn't that what you were upset about.. I recall you saying that about you chasing her around. Maybe if you hadn't chased her, he would have...(or for guys, they don't think it's as necessary to do that like us mothers do) and who knows, maybe he just wanted to look like the good dad, or maybe he did want you to visit?

I think it'd be better for you to not analyze everything he does. you just do what you need to do, and let things fall as they will. if you want to check his emails (just occassionally! I hope you don't do it everyday) then I think it can be good, if you can keep detached from it, and just take it as info.

I think you did good not saying ILY back. and not blaming him for things or having a comeback with what he says.

oh, and on the schedule. I would suggest telling him, hey, I've noticed D's scheduled visits don't work for you most of time, so why don't we change them to a different date? what about such and such day/time? then see if you guys can work something out. Are you still okay with him not calling and not showing up or does he call? cause if it bothers you, like you could be doing other things and he just wasted your time, then I think you need to mention to him that if he doesn't call by or show up by such and such time, that you will not wait for him, or whatever your boundary is, and that you'd appreciate a more consistent visit schedule this year for your D's sake.

and don't ever ever let him do the unsupervised, just always say, I'm sorry, it's not my decision to make, and I need to follow their rules just like you.

anyways, I'm really glad you had nice times for your holidays... I'm sure that was awkward at the ex-inlaws, but it sounds like they really tried to be nice and keep it from being as un-awkward as possible. I'm sure they felt it too.

[25yearsmlc]

Happy New Year!

Ok, the holidays are officially over...

Exh sent a text early evening asking what we were doing for the night. I said we hadn't decided yet. He said 'have fun' and never heard from him again. I did notice that MOW was off his FB again.

Getting back on schedule starting today. I will be civil and friendly, but not going to allow him to walk all over our schedule anymore. Holidays are over...time to see if it was just holiday blues for him.

Here is to a great 2010 for all of us!

Why is it "time to see if"...anything with or about him? Why not control your own life? Did you read my post at all? I get the feeling you read them and skim for "quick tips and secrets" to get THEM to change, and then you move along rehashing the latest misdeed or tiny melodrama or stuff that belongs in high school...honestly, MOW is someone you never had to speak with and do NOT need to ever speak with again. But here you are caring about her "unfriending you" and "re friending your X h ...10 years from now, I think you'll be cringing...so much wasted time. Or, you'll still be writing this stuff. Which is it going to be?


You do deserve better -- but life doesn't "give better" to you. You go get a better life for you, AND for your d. Get out of your own way, stop stopping yourself, and just do it. Make SPECIFIC goals w/ measurable benchmarks for progress, and start towards them now...
j-

[Startingover2]

St..I think exh wants the fantasy family. He doesn't want to do the hardwork that it will take so he just comes and plays family and its good enough for him. The rest of the time he falls off the planet. I ran into one of our old MC from the past yesterday while I was out shopping. She asked how things were going and I gave her a nutshell version. She smiled and sort of shook her head and said he is still the same isn't he? She said he is one of the most broken and screwed up people she has met yet. He is so insecure within himself that he needs so much external validation he most likely without intense therapy will not be able to sustain a real relationship for long. She was the first MC that told me to look up sociopath and how he pretty much fits the bill. She also told me what would I need to R because what he has said about the 'slow and steady' is just a cake eating motive for him. He needs to step up..I said MC, complete transparency, no substance abuse and steps to take care of that, no more OW, commitment, etc. She said to tell him you will accept nothing less than those things and stick to it.

25...I do read. I do agree. I feel a backbone when I am done reading and then I weaken. For me, I think even the negative attention from exh is what I am craving. Its something and when I am tired, lonely, bored, mad, sad..whatever it feels good to have something. Its totally flawed thinking. I get that.

I did another peek at exh's emails. He told me he stayed home NYE and had issues late with d15. What he didn't say and that I read on emails is that he was invited to a party and went until d15's stuff came up around 11. He sent an email to one of the hosts and her husband yesterday thanking them for inviting him and asking who the brunette was at the party. The hosts replied it was her friend. Exh said "wow. nice. She is beautiful. Is she single?" His heart isn't here. His heart is trying to find his next victim.

Yesterday I went shopping with baby and my mom. By the end of the trip I was a wreck. I don't know which one was more high maintenance..my mom or baby? My mom is old and sort of crabby and baby wanted to run all over the place. I only got half of what I wanted done.

Exh came and visited baby yesterday. He told me the whole story of what happened with d15 on NYE. We chatted and it was ok. He stayed 30 minutes and left. I didn't hear from him again until last night. He was asking what we were doing. I didn't respond right away. I am sick of him thinking/knowing we sit home night after night. I want that 180 mystery at least in his mind. Finally he said give baby a kiss for him and I waited 20 minutes before I responded with ok. I never told him what we were doing. Then I saw the emails he sent about brunette.

He doesn't want a real R. He wants to continue being the town womanizer.

[antlers]

25...I do read. I do agree. I feel a backbone when I am done reading and then I weaken. For me, I think even the negative attention from exh is what I am craving. Its something and when I am tired, lonely, bored, mad, sad..whatever it feels good to have something. Its totally flawed thinking. I get that.

I am sick of him thinking/knowing we sit home night after night. I want that 180 mystery at least in his mind.

He doesn't want a real R. He wants to continue being the town womanizer.

Good Mornin' Startingover2.


You've got to get to where you respect yourself enough to let go of people who don't value or respect you. And you've got to get to where you don't care what he thinks...about anything! He doesn't value or respect you, at least right now. He wouldn't be doing what he's doing if he did. And if anybody else knew that you were sitting at home, would it bother you? Then why should it bother you for him to know it? Stop caring what he thinks...about anything. You don't have any control over that anyway, so don't bother. You do, however, have complete control over your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. So, exercise the control that you DO have.

I hope you have a better day.

[kassie]

Good morning SO2,

I just want to reiterate the importance of thinking about what is "good" for you and set those boundaries with exh.
I understand you have feelings for him. I understand that you have a child together. Setting goals/boundaries for yourself will allow you to get to where you feel comfortable with yourself instead of feeling uncomfortable and trying to figure things out.

[Startingover2]

You've got to get to where you respect yourself enough to let go of people who don't value or respect you. And you've got to get to where you don't care what he thinks...about anything! He doesn't value or respect you, at least right now. He wouldn't be doing what he's doing if he did. And if anybody else knew that you were sitting at home, would it bother you? Then why should it bother you for him to know it? Stop caring what he thinks...about anything. You don't have any control over that anyway, so don't bother. You do, however, have complete control over your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. So, exercise the control that you DO have.

I hope you have a better day.

Absolutely true! I am trying to let go of the 'slow and steady' bs as that is all it was...BS! He doesn't respect me, never has so I need to respect myself.

I just want to reiterate the importance of thinking about what is "good" for you and set those boundaries with exh.
I understand you have feelings for him. I understand that you have a child together. Setting goals/boundaries for yourself will allow you to get to where you feel comfortable with yourself instead of feeling uncomfortable and trying to figure things out.

I don't think there is ever figuring things out with exh. Number one is he is still abusing substances and that will alter his thinking until he gets some real help...doesn't look like he wants it does it? Hes lost 2 families now. You would think that would be enough.